


The Revenant

by delicaterosebud



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Abortion, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Manipulation, Found Family, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Horror, M/M, Mpreg, Oral Sex, Slut Shaming, Spanking, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-04-07 11:53:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 46,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19084492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delicaterosebud/pseuds/delicaterosebud
Summary: In response to a worldwide shortage of omegas, a rapid transformation sweeps through Radiant Garden, leading to the development of the prison-like Academy system, where omegas, enrolled at birth, are indoctrinated with traditional values that benefit only their alpha masters.Far from his homeland, Saïx is no longer bound by the complex rules of Radiant Garden, which had followed him from the Academy to the home of his assigned alpha. Even while free, however, Saïx cannot run from his past. The trauma of being rejected by Lea, the alpha to whom he had devoted his entire life, haunts him still, long after the loss of his heart.Desperate to find some form of meaning in his life, Saïx turns to an unlikely ally who may very well be the death of him.





	1. Chapter 1

Saṃsāra. 

That was what the temples called it. The soul’s endless journey through multiple, mortal shells. The karmic cycle of life and death, escapable only through the attainment of pure enlightenment. If a man lived a good, just life, embracing honesty and virtue, then he could climb the karmic ladder approaching nirvana, closer to the coveted end.

But if he scorned the temples’ teachings, if he spat upon the concept of human kindness, his karma would grow, weighing him down, heavier than any earthly burden.

That was why there were so few omegas left in the world – or so the monks in Radiant Garden so often preached. So much time had passed since the world’s creation that human beings as a species had grown and improved so drastically that they were beginning to tip the karmic scales. Social welfare and gene therapy spelt a quick end to poverty. Fewer criminals walked the streets. With the recent focus on human rights, nobody ever heard of genocide or chemical warfare in the news, anymore. Now, more people than ever were content to lead good, decent lives, caring for their friends and neighbors. Humanity climbed the karmic ladder together as a whole, but because of that, there were now fewer stragglers than ever left to rot on the bottom rungs. 

In current years, alphas had grown plentiful, dominating society, while arguably “lesser” humans who carried the heaviest karmic debt – the cripples, lepers, and omegas of the world – were now nearly nonexistent. Nobody mourned the shortage of the former, but with only a handful of omegas surviving to maturity, alphas everywhere were getting antsy. Birth rates were at an all-time low, and people were getting older. Humanity was dying out. By instinct, every alpha wanted to breed, and yet, for every warm, wet hole, there were twelve alphas lining up to fight over it.

When omegas were so rare and so precious, any children of the “weakest sex” were herded up by the government, to be enrolled into their sponsored omegan Academies, where gods only knew what happened to them. 

Saïx never talked about it, and nobody asked.

But whatever was going on within those walls, it was bad enough to warrant guard towers and tracking collars. Electric fences lined the rooftops. Iron bars blocked bulletproof windows, if only to discourage defenestration. 

Considering everything that Saïx had endured, from rejection, to dehumanization, to public humiliation, Axel was surprised that he hadn’t tried to end it, yet. He knew plenty of alphas who wouldn’t be able to take the heat, in his shoes. Hell, Axel didn’t think that even he could walk around bearing that scent: the smell of a fallen omega, unmated, yet sullied by an alpha’s knot. That scent burned brighter than any red letter. It was the mark of a whore. An “un-omega,” too dirty to be accepted into any home or family. If they weren’t recollected by the government and “reeducated” in the Academies, never to be seen again, they were thrown out onto the streets and forced to resort to prostitution or gods only knew what else to survive.

Saïx was lucky, perhaps, that he’d died and become a Nobody before he could fully mature. Upon his eighteenth birthday, he would have been forced to report to the Academy wardens with proof of his changed scent and mating mark. Just two more years, and Saïx would have faced the consequences of his dishonor. Paying the ultimate price for his failures. 

In a way, it wasn’t fair. 

Axel was the one who had knotted him, and yet only Saïx would hang. Though they’d both been active participants, there would only ever be one “whore” amongst them. The strangest thing of all, however, was that during his heats, Saïx lived up to the title. 

Despite his aloof personality, he swallowed his pride in the bedroom, fucking like an omega straight out of the pornos. Arching his back, he put on a shameless show of submission, purring and trilling, those sounds worming straight into an alpha’s subconscious. He knew all the right ways to stroke Axel’s ego – though of course he did, when he was an Academy omega: a government trained perfect partner. A loyal companion and eager bedmate, Saïx could be charming when he needed to be. 

Axel felt powerful, pounding into Saïx’s body as he writhed beneath him. Blinded by the scent of an omega’s heat, he fucked the mess of slick and precum thick and frothy, easing the way for his growing knot. As he felt the pressure building, Axel dug his fingers into Saïx’s neck, holding him down in an instinctive grip to ensure he couldn’t run. A knotting was always painful, and theirs was no exception. With neither warning nor ceremony, Axel forced his knot past the rim – and Saïx let out a silent gasp, trembling from the strain. Though Axel was sure he’d wanted to flee, the omega never tried to pull away. His fingers curled, clawing desperately at the mattress, and yet he arched his back all the same, dutifully pressing his ass against Axel’s hips to deepen his thrusts as he fucked him through the first spurts of come. 

It was only instinct. 

Axel hadn’t mated him when they were fourteen years old, and he wouldn’t mate him now. They both knew it, just as they knew that the skies of their isolated world were black, and yet Saïx exposed his neck, regardless. Perhaps a good, decent alpha would have bitten him and given him that mating he coveted, after he’d served him so well, and yet Axel just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Binding himself to Saïx for the rest of his life wasn’t a future that he’d wanted for himself.

Ignoring Saïx’s invitation, Axel shuddered through the throes of his orgasm. Grinding into Saïx’s ass as he milked his cock. The strength seeped out of his bones, and yet, by some grace of the gods, he stopped himself before his arms gave out and he collapsed onto the omega below him. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed until the heat wore off, and they both returned to their senses. After catching his breath, Axel had intended to comfort his old friend. He truly did. He was going to stroke Saïx’s hair, and hold him close, and apologize that he couldn’t mate him. He was going to tell him that he was a good omega, regardless. That he didn’t need a mate to be worth something. That he did a good job, and that Axel would stay with him for as long as he wanted. 

But the real Saïx, the one that wasn’t bound by hormones and scents, had a way of repelling him. After being knotted, an ordinary omega would have cried, or whimpered, or begged to be held, but Saïx did _nothing_. 

It was almost as though the life, itself, had been bled from his body.

Lying there like a corpse, cold and still, Saïx never shifted. He remained propped up on his shoulders and knees, his gaze, a thousand miles away. He stared off into the distance, his eyes empty, veiled by long, blue hair, soaked through with sweat, draped onto his pillows.

Plummeting from his fleeting high, Axel coughed awkwardly into the ball of his fist and tried not to look at him. He couldn’t fight the thought that what he was knotting was not a beloved friend but a dead body, half-rotted.

Though he’d never been more sexually repulsed by anyone or anything in his entire life, trapped by his own knot, Axel couldn’t pull out of him. He winced as another gush of come emptied into the cold, pliant body pinned beneath him. The only evidence that Saïx hadn’t suffered from a heart attack and died during sex were the rhythmic pulses of his inner walls, even when the man himself lay completely still.

Axel clamped his hand around his mouth; he was going to be sick.

Throughout every knotting they’ve ever shared, Saïx never said a single word – and that time was no exception. His silence spoke volumes. Axel stared down at his cock and begged the gods to hurry up and let it deflate, so that he could run back to the safety of his den and pretend that Saïx was happy somewhere else, with a loving alpha and six pups. If he focused on that imagine, he could forget the fact that he’d used his body and tossed him to the wayside like he always did.

…Even if, technically, it was Saïx who used _him_.

He needed a way to get through his heats, and for some reason that Axel couldn’t understand, he wasn’t willing to take suppressants. He’d tried to convince him, once or twice, but Saïx just looked at him like he was scum and told him that he hardly had any right to order him around. It wasn’t as though Axel was his alpha or anything.

That argument, that guilt trip, never failed to shut him up. 

Half an hour into the knotting process, and Axel was positively sweating from dread and anxiety. Even when he could still feel the contractions around his cock, he was tempted to check for a pulse, just to make sure that the omega pinned beneath him was still alive and breathing. He settled for making conversation, instead. 

“That was good,” he muttered, stroking the curve of Saïx’s ass, playing at pillow talk. “ _You_ were good.”

Unsure of what to do, Axel draped himself over Saïx’s back and pulling him into a hug in a blatant mockery of tenderness. He hadn’t expected a thank you, but he had never expected the omega to shudder in his grasp, shrinking into himself. Running away as best as he could. Even Axel, as oblivious as he could be, at times, recognized that as a clear rejection. 

Defeated, he sighed, his hips stuttering as he released his embrace and ran his sweaty, slick-soaked hand through his hair. The minutes ticked on like centuries. Eager to put an end to their farce, Axel dug his knees into the bed, grounded his palms, and tried to pull out – only to find that his knot held fast.

Suddenly, then, Saïx whispered – his first words in almost an hour.

“Why are you so intent on making this harder than it has to be?” 

His voice cracked, exasperated, as though he, too, couldn’t wait for their knotting, their torture, to be over. It wasn’t the rejection that crushed him but Saïx’s stone-faced misery in the face of it all.

“Sorry. I know it’s uncomfortable,” he signed, subtly trying to lean over and get a glimpse of the omega’s face from his limited angle. He couldn’t see him without shifting his cock any further, and he wasn’t willing to torment Saïx by adding a muddling layer of pleasure to his punishment. “Is there anything I can do? You want me to roll you onto your side, or something? …Isa?”

He waited in silence. It felt as though hours had passed, and yet Saïx didn’t respond. He only lay there, staring at the wall. 

“Don’t call me that,” he commanded, sounding so intolerably exhausted. “Just stop talking and be quiet. I don’t want to hear the sound of your voice.”

“…Huh? What’re you -”

“What did I just say?” Saïx growled, snapping his head around to glare at him with those sharp, golden eyes, turning cold and predatory. Humiliated, Axel would have fought back if not for the fact that, almost immediately afterwards, Saïx’s anger drained right out of him, replaced by an expression of absolute, crushing sorrow as he collapsed back down onto his pillows.

By all means, it should have been shameful, cowering before an omega, but when that omega was Saïx, Axel was more than a little willing to allow social norms to fly out the window. After all, Saïx was the ultimate omegan paradox, with the diligence and loyalty of a mate, the temperance of the virgin, the shameless confidence and musky scent of the experienced whore, all grounded by the prudence and authority of the mother.

And it was always a combination of those traits that rendered Axel helpless in the bedroom, every single time. He may have been the alpha, but it was Saïx who ran the show. 

“Sure. Fine. Whatever you want.”

They lay there, sealed together, for another forty-two minutes and eighteen seconds. Axel had kept count of every single one. The second his knot deflated, he tried to pull away, but he didn’t withdraw his cock a single inch before Saïx’s elbow slammed against his stomach, sending him reeling. He doubled over, clutching himself.

“What was that for?!” Axel snarled.

Glaring back at him with palpable disgust, Saïx tugged his blankets up to his neck, curled into himself, and squeezed his eyes shut. 

“Turn off the lights on your way out,” he grumbled, refusing to move a single muscle for himself. Axel couldn’t help but roll his eyes. His was the only omega in all the known worlds who would dare to speak to his own alpha with such flagrant disregard for his authority – perhaps because, all things considered, Saïx wasn’t _really_ his omega. 

Though he’d been knotted hundreds of times, he didn’t have a single mating mark to prove it.

Even Axel’s patience had its limit. Staring down at that little lump beneath the blankets, his anger grew, and he snapped.

“You know, that’s a hell of a way to treat the guy who comes down here once a month, just to get you through your heats,” Axel scolded, knowing full well that Saïx wouldn’t heed his complaints. He never did. “Maybe I should let you go without my company for a month. Then maybe you’d stop being such an insufferable cu –”

Even in his seething anger, Axel was able to stop himself before he’d completely let go of his own morality. There was something particularly nasty about referring to an omega as nothing more than the sum of their parts – not that Saïx would have cared if he had, when that man was so taciturn, and when he’d certainly been called far worse by better.

But just because Saïx wouldn’t care, didn’t make it right. He was still an omega. Still the one stuck holding the short of the stick. Even if he couldn’t walk down the street without dodging stones and sexual slurs, he didn’t need to hear those kinds of derogatory words from the closest thing he had to an alpha.

“You don’t have to be such a jerk about it,” Axel corrected himself with a reluctant sigh. “I’m doing you a favor, you know?”

“Are you? You’re the one who created this problem in the first place.”

He couldn’t take the blaming anymore.

“Yeah, well, I’m trying to make up for it, aren’t I? I’m here in bed with you instead of sitting on the sofa with Roxas and Xion, aren’t I? This is the first time we’ve all had a day off together in weeks. You think I wanted to miss out on movie night for _this_? The least you could do is show a little appreciation for once in your life. You make this entire knotting thing so difficult. I swear, every month, it gets harder to convince myself to come back here. You are just… so fucking frigid. You think punishing me for not mating you is going to change my mind? You’re just confirming that it would have been a mistake. Maybe the reason why no one wants to mate with you isn’t because you’ve been knotted already. Maybe it’s just you, Saïx. Maybe the problem is you.”

Axel regretted those words almost as soon as they’d left his mouth. Only after reconsidering what he’d said did he realize he’d made it sound as though Saïx were intrinsically unlikable – which was a line of reasoning that his omega had surely considered before, in the past. Maybe Saïx _was_ unlikable. Maybe he was frigid, just like he’d said, but at that point, there was hardly any reason to rub salt in the wound. 

Every omega wanted to feel loved. He knew that the insult must have stung. 

Sucking in a deep, heavy breath, Axel closed his eyes and prepared himself for a verbal onslaught – for Saïx to turn on him, claws out, and call him every name in the book… but what followed was nothing more than silence. The scathing lecture he’d anticipated never came, and Axel cracked an eye open, daring to take a glance at the omega by his side. 

Saïx didn’t talk for a long time, after that. He was motionless, lying so still that Axel couldn’t even tell if he was breathing. A cold sweat dripped down his back. He wondered whether he really did have that heart attack, after all.

“…Saïx?”

“You should go,” he said, at last, in cold, quiet monotone. His voice barely rose above a whisper. “And you don’t have to return next month, if guiding me through my heats is such a chore.”

“It’s not,” Axel relented, reaching for him, before finally thinking the better of it. “The sex is always great. You’re a good omega,” he tacked on at the last moment, heaping on the praise – knowing that Saïx wasn’t ever going to hear it from anybody else. “You’re good. Even if you’re not what alphas are looking for, you don’t need a mate in order to be somebody.”

No response.

Either he wasn’t listening, or even after all those years, Saïx still hadn’t shaken off that “Academy omega” mentality. He wouldn’t be able to convince him, regardless. With an unrelenting heaviness in his chest, Axel got up and started putting on his clothes, ignoring how Saïx lay motionless in his little nest of blankets, soaked through with cum, and slick, and blood. Just as he was about to leave, however, Axel turned back.

“Do you want me to stay?” he offered, for the first time in years. “We can have our own movie night. I can make you dinner, help you shower… I can hold you if you want.”

It wouldn’t be the same as having a mate, but it would be close. If they hadn’t already fucked and failed at mating, if Axel hadn’t already refused to bite him, then perhaps his behavior could have been interpreted as courting.

Saïx didn’t take the bait.

“What I want, Lea… is for you to gather your belongings and go.”

He watched him twist beneath the blankets: that little rustle of fabric as he clutched his arms around body, just barely curling into himself in a pathetic mockery of intimacy. There wasn’t a single omega in all the worlds that didn’t want to be held and nuzzled after a knotting. He knew that.

All those years, and Axel still couldn’t understand him: why Saïx would reject his kindness when he desperately needed it most. It must have been his way of punishing him, knowing full well that his pain and his torment were shared. Saïx always was the vindictive type, exactly the kind of man who would cut off his nose to spite his face.

Perhaps Axel should have insisted and stayed, regardless. He knew that it would have made all the difference: that Saïx would have appreciated the concern and attention, even when he pretended to be angry. In a way, however, when Roxas, and Xion, and a night of classic movies were calling his name, Axel just didn’t want to expose himself to Saïx’s hardship. It wasn’t worth it.

It never was.

______________________________________________

“Remember, young man, that you are being granted guardianship, not ownership, of an omega. The omega is a friend and a partner. Not a slave.”

“Why is it wearing a collar, then? Kind of looks like a slave to me,” Lea asked, earning himself a sharp elbow in the ribs. His father, sitting beside him in their cheap, plastic chairs, glared at him in silent warning. Lea had always hated those chairs; his school used the very same brand. One leg was always shorter than the other. To distract himself from the boredom and bureaucracy, Lea tipped his chair from side to side and prayed that he would tip over and break his leg, if only that would send him home.

“Sorry,” his old man chuckled, making a poor job of masking his anxiety. “You know how kids are. Lea’s a good boy, and he’ll take good care of your omega. Won’t you, son?”

“Yeah…” he grumbled, kicking the leg of the warden’s desk. 

According to his dad and all the teachers at school, he was the luckiest boy in their neighborhood. Only one out of ten, or perhaps fifteen, alphas from the poorer rungs of society ever got assigned an omega by the state. Most of them were doomed to lives of ‘eternal loneliness and blue balls,’ whatever the hell that meant. 

If he had to be honest, however, Lea didn’t even _want_ an omega, just like he hadn’t really wanted a puppy for a birthday, two years ago. It was cute, at first, and he liked playing with it, but buying it food with his own allowance meant less ice cream on Saturdays. Taking it for walks had meant less time to sit in the house and play videogames. He didn’t want that responsibility all over again, and definitely not for a stupid omega. Lea always considered himself lucky to be an only child, but now, he was going to have to share his room, and his toys, and his ice cream, regardless. 

Frankly, it was bullshit. 

“You don’t seem excited,” the warden remarked, resting his elbows on his desk and leaning forward, getting a better glimpse at him. “This is a big day for you, you know.”

“I know. I just wanted a girl, that’s all,” Lea grumbled, much to his father’s chagrin. He could practically see the hair rising on his old man’s neck. 

“Lea!”

“What? It’s true! Why do I have to get stuck with this one? In the movies, there’s always a lineup, and the alpha gets to pick the omega he wants! I don’t want this one. I want a girl.”

“Lineups are a thing of the past. That’s how things were for your grandparents, but there’s been a bit of a shortage in recent years,” the officer explained in calm, patient monotone. “Each omega is assigned to a citizen using a random number generator. This omega was chosen to be placed with you. It’s either this one or none at all, I’m afraid. If you don’t want it, however, we can reassign it to another alpha.”

“No!” Lea’s father interrupted, answering on behalf of his son. “He’ll take _this_ omega, and he’ll be grateful for it. Won’t you, Lea?”

“Yes, Dad. …Whatever.”

“Alright,” the officer sighed, bringing out another heavy stack of paperwork that fell against his ornate desk with a loud thump. Lea couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the mere sight of it. “Then let’s get started. Just sign here, and here. Initial here.”

Because this was _exactly_ what he wanted to be doing on a Saturday: filling out stupid forms to get a stupid omega that he didn’t even want, just because his dad said that he’d be thankful he did ten years later. It was so dumb. Ten years was as good as an eternity. He didn’t want to get stuck taking care of an omega in the present just so he could have a mate later, just like he wasn’t interested in depositing his birthday money into the bank, like his dad told him to, either.

That had been a waste of time, and so was getting an omega. 

From the corner of his eye, Lea could see that omega looking at him, stealing furtive glances when it thought that no one was looking. It almost looked nervous. They made eye contact, and it quickly looked away, going right back to staring at its little white shoes. 

“Well, that does it!” the warden said, gathering up his papers and slapping on a final stamp. Turning to the little omega by his side, he gave it a firm nod and a stiff, joyless smile. “Looks like today’s the day after all, 7S. Congratulations. Serve your alpha well, you hear me? I don’t want to see you back here.”

“Yes, sir,” it replied in a voice so quiet that Lea could barely hear it over the hum of the air conditioning unit. 

“Why don’t you go say hello to your new alpha?” the warden recommended – though when the omega, this 7S, only sat still, paralyzed with fear, the warden pressed a button on his watch. The omega didn’t quite flinch, but an expression of mild displeasure flashed across its features as it grasped at the collar locked around its neck. 

“I apologize,” the officer continued. “7S is usually so well behaved. I don’t know what’s gotten into it.”

“It’s probably just nervous,” Lea’s father said. “A new home, a new alpha – those are some pretty big changes, especially for a young omega like that. My mate wasn’t assigned to me until we were eighteen years old.”

“We’ve found that omegas tend to transition better if they are integrated into the den at younger ages,” the warden explained with a joyless smile that never reached his eyes. “It’s still fully trained at eight years of age, of course – 7S can take over all of your domestic chores immediately – but it is still only a child. It won’t be ready to mate for another six years or so.”

“I see. Well, my boy here will look after it in the meantime. Why don’t you go say hello to it, first, Lea? As an alpha, it’s your duty to take the lead.”

He just wanted to go home. 

He already had to miss a morning of gaming with his friends just to come out to an office in the middle of nowhere. Rolling his eyes, he slid out of his chair and dragged himself over to the little omega. 

“Hi,” he grumbled, with a pout that only deepened when the stupid thing wouldn’t even look at him.

He could see its chest rise as it took a long, shuddering breath, as though preparing itself for the performance of a lifetime. 

“Good morning, Alpha,” the omega said, finally looking up at him with a trembling smile that dripped of fear and insincerity. “My serial number is 7S, but I look forward to getting a real name, soon. You can think of one whenever you’d like. I’ll be serving you from now on. In return, I hope that you’ll take good care of me. …I hope that we can be friends,” the omega tacked on after a brief pause. 

It must have gone off-script. The officer glared down at it with such intense hatred that even Lea reeled back in horror. At the very least, 7S didn’t seem to notice.

“I already have friends,” Lea declared, still wallowing in his bitterness. “I don’t really want any more.”

“Oh. …But I’m a good omega. You’ll see,” the omega replied, still smiling, even when it was clear to him that it was just as miserable as he was. “I’ve been training my whole life for this. I won’t let you down. You’re the most important person in the world to me, Alpha.”

Lea already hated it. The way it talked, always giggling and stuttering, as though it couldn’t get through a single sentence without losing its nerve. He hated the way it focused its gaze on his nose and his mouth, instead of up into his eyes, like a normal person. It was a liar and a fake. He’d already convinced himself of that.

“Just stay out of my way and don’t touch my stuff.”

Ignoring his omega’s pleas compounded with his fathers, Lea turned and stormed out of the room. He didn’t want an omega, and there was nothing that would ever convince him otherwise.

Nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

Saïx was late to breakfast that morning, though that, in and of itself, was nothing remarkable. 

Dizzy from the stress of his heat, for two or three days afterwards, Saïx was always a mess. It took a toll on him, made evident by his limp and the bruises on his wrists. Saïx always blamed his tardiness on his injuries, but Axel knew the truth: it wasn’t the physical pain that held him back as much as it was the loneliness. 

The day after a knotting was sacred. With an omega’s hormones running high, all of those mating instincts came rushing in like a tidal wave. There was an intrinsic need to love and be loved. To care and to coddle. That fact was so well-known, so widely accepted, that there wasn’t a single workplace in all of Radiant Garden that didn’t allot their mated alphas an extra monthly holiday, just for the days that followed heats. Denying an omega their gods given right to bond was considered just as cruel as abandoning one on the street.

After taking a knot, there wasn’t a single omega that didn’t want affection.

For ages, Axel had thought of Saïx as the sole exception to that rule until that night, five years ago, when his heat had fallen on the day of their old anniversary. In a moment of weakness and perhaps even grief, Saïx had approached him after supper that evening, after his heat, and asked if he would deign to stay the night. 

Axel could smell the booze on his breath. He’d been drinking again, breaking every law in Radiant Garden. He should have never agreed to stay, but, if he had to be honest with himself, he was afraid of what Saïx would have done if he hadn’t.

The moment he’d stepped through that doorway into his nest, Saïx tugged him into his arms and held him in a crushing embrace so intolerably tight that Axel felt as though his ribs would crack and his lungs would seep out from the holes torn into his chest. They shared a pizza and played card games late into the night, just like the old days. Turning back the clock, they were pups again. Ten years old, snuggling on the sofa. Saïx stroked his hair, and smiled, and called him _Alpha_ … and Axel was more than happy to play along, when it felt like he’d gotten the old Isa back, after all those years of drifting apart. 

Everything had been fine – up until the moment when Saïx had kissed him and asked him to say, “I love you.” Even if it wasn’t true, he’d wanted to hear it. 

He’d _needed_ it.

A part of Axel knew that he should have smothered down his morality and lied, but, looking down at Saïx’s hopeful smile, glowing with a youthful innocence that he hadn’t seen in years, Axel just couldn’t bring himself to do it. That had been the end of it all. His rejection shattered the illusion, and, as Axel held him in his arms, he could all feel all of the love and omegan affection bleeding out of Saïx’s body. He watched with suffocating dread as his little, manicured fingers unfurled from his shirt and slowly folded back down onto his lap. He felt the frigidity of his distance as Saïx pulled away from him, to sit on the other end of the sofa, alone. 

They didn’t talk for almost an hour, afterwards. Sitting there, staring at their cards in silence, they couldn’t even look at each other.

Saïx’s next words, when he’d regained the courage to say them, were to ask him to clean up his mess and leave. Axel had obeyed and walked through that door, and Saïx had never asked him for anything again, ever since. Not a hug to soothe him through the morning after or a cup of a breakfast tea to serve as a gesture of respect – or one of apology. 

Saïx didn’t want anything from him, any longer. Neither his mercy nor his kindness.

Ever since that day, even when Axel was the one to offer his services, Saïx always refused. He could hear the longing in his voice. He could see it in his trembling body, desperately craving an alpha’s touch. He could smell it on his breath at ten in the morning. Moonshine and cigarettes. 

It must have been painful.

He was certain that the first thing Saïx did in the mornings, after waking up alone and cleaning up the come, was roll over and reach for the bottle under his bed. 

It was because of that mental image that Axel lingered in the dining room as long as he did, even after his friends had long finished their breakfasts and had begun trickling out of the room. He’d even gone so far as to reject Roxas’s offer to have ice cream on the clock tower that afternoon. It pained him to think about it. He could have been in Twilight Town having the time of his life with his two best friends, but instead, there he was, torturing himself. Waiting at the breakfast table for a dead man walking, Axel tapped his fork against the edge of his plate. A nervous tic, hammering at the porcelain. 

Cold eggs and sausage congealed on his plate, uneaten. 

______________________________________________

It knelt on the carpet by his feet, waiting patiently for him to finish up his videogames so that it could make him dinner and get him ready for bed. With his father working third shift again, Lea could stay up as long as he wanted – and he wasn’t tired. 7S had been kneeling for more than four hours. Its knees must have been aching, but Lea couldn’t see why he should allow it to use the living room furniture, when it wasn’t even a part of the family. 

He’d already told that stupid thing to go away and do whatever it wanted, but it insisted, every time, that it only ever wanted to be with him. Even when he lost his temper, when he pushed it down, and yelled at it, and locked it in the closet, its loyalty never wavered. After every punishment, it went right on back to serving him. Lea wondered when it would finally have enough of being his punching bag and just leave him alone, already. 

The turning point had to be close. He could tell that it was breaking down. Following the wardens’ teachings, 7S still smiled when he looked its way, but during the odd moments when it thought that nobody was watching, Lea could see that smile fall. Looking so small, it would huddle into itself, tugging at its little, white robe, designed to make it appear gentle and pure instead of like the karmic monster that it really was. The monks had tried to convince him that his mother’s karma had been heavy, too, but Lea never put much stock into that. They were wrong about her. For as long as he’d been blessed to know her, his mother had been a wonderful woman: loving, kind, and fair. In comparison to her, what was 7S? Strutting about in his mother’s white bell collar, gifted to it by his father, 7S’s mere existence spat on her memory. 

He couldn’t wait to be rid of that thing. Once that omega was gone, Lea could take that collar and hang it right back up in the living, next to the family picture of the three of them, right where it belonged. With 7S gone, he would have his room and his bed all to himself, again. He could go back to eating pizza and chips for dinner instead of getting stuck with whatever 7S decided to make for the evening. 

To its credit, and though Lea would never admit it, 7S wasn’t a bad cook. The problem was that its recipes were far too similar to the ones that his mother used to make. With remembrance came sorrow. For some reason he couldn’t understand, being served that same, familiar comfort food had made him angrier than if 7S had purposefully tried to poison him. Lea didn’t know how to put that into words, and so he’d said nothing at all. He’d only screamed and thrown his plate against the wall. 

“Did you want some more cookies, Alpha?” 7S asked him, suddenly.

Slamming his thumb against the pause button, with an exasperated roll of his eyes, Lea glanced at the empty plate on his lap before shifting his gaze, cold and hateful, to the creature kneeling at his feet. 

“Didn’t I tell you not to talk to me when I’m gaming?” he growled. “If you make me die, you’ll regret it.” 

“I-I’m sorry,” the creature stuttered. “I just thought that –”

“Well, whatever you were thinking – stop. It’s annoying.” Sighing, Lea took his plate and shoved it into his omega’s little, gloved hands. “…Get me the fudge kind, this time.” 

Before he hit rewind, however, the omega reached for him, timidly tugging at the seam of his sweatpants. 

“Do you want me to bake something for you, instead?” it asked, forcing on a smile. “I know over a hundred different cookie recipes. I’m sure I can come up with something that you’d like.”

“Yeah – I don’t think so. The only homemade cookies that I ever liked were the ones that my mom used to make. It was her special recipe, and I really don’t think you’ll be able to make anything like that.”

“Oh, but I can. There are no special recipes,” 7S replied – and for some reason it smiled while doing it, like it took joy in mocking his mother and everything she worked towards. Lea glared at its smiling face and gripped his fingers down onto the cushions, cutting off his blood supply until his knuckles turning white. “That was probably just something she told you for fun. But all of us Academy omegas are taught from the same books. We all use the exact same recipes.” 

“No,” he explained, slow and loud, so even an omega as stupid as 7S could understand, “My mom told me that her recipe was _special_.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s just a figure of speech,” it chuckled. “What was in those cookies, Alpha? Just list off the things you remember, and I’m sure I’ll be able to fill in the blanks. I can make your mother’s ‘special recipe,’ too. You’ll like it just as much. You’ll see.” 

Was it calling her a _liar_? He saw that omega’s moving, but he didn’t couldn’t hear the sounds. Blood rushed between his ears, crashing loud and deafening. Wild, impotent rage boiled up within his chest, and the next thing he knew, he was screaming. Within a split second, he’d pinned that omega onto the floor and slammed his little, balled-up fists against its chest, its face, anywhere he could reach.

“Shut up!” he screamed, grabbing onto the collar of its robe and slamming it down onto the floor until he swore he heard its skull crack. “Shut up, shut up, _shut up_! You don’t know anything about her! You’ll never be like her! I’ll never love you! I hate you! I _really_ hate you!”

Disgusted, he pushed himself away from his omega’s body and huddled into the corner of the sofa. Tucking his knees against his chest, Lea trembled, burying his face in his arms as he cried quietly into the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He didn’t know how much time had passed, until he’d cried himself out. His eyes were swollen, and thick, goopy mucus was running down his nose. He wiped his face with his blanket and glanced over to where he’d left 7S – only to find that his omega was gone. 

A part of him knew that he should have gone and looked for it, if only to say that he was sorry. He’d hurt it before, but never like that. He’d yelled… but not like that. 

But instead, reaching for his controller, Lea un-paused his game, even when his hands wouldn’t stop shaking. He played until midnight, losing his boss fight ten times in a row. 

Throwing in the towel, Lea made himself some instant noodles and went back to his room for the night. For some reason, he hadn’t expected 7S to be there, waiting for him – with a little plate of pre-made fudge dipped cookies sitting on his desk. When he looked closer, Lea realized, with horror, that there were drops of blood on the edge of the plate – and bloody paper towels in the garbage.

His gaze shifted up, and he saw it. 

7S sat on his windowsill, looking out at the woods behind the house. With its knees tucked up to his chest, it looked twice as small as it already was. Its little bell collar chimed in the breeze. When Axel called its code number, it didn’t even look at him. 

It didn’t even pretend to care anymore.

“Can I ask you something?” it asked, in a voice so quiet that Lea almost couldn’t hear it over the wind and the bells. 

“What is it?”

He was expecting it to ask for food or water. Even when it was the one who prepared all the meals, it wasn’t allowed to eat without Lea’s express permission. It couldn’t even sleep unless he said so. It couldn’t shower and properly tend to its wounds.

It must have been hungry, but for a long while, 7S didn’t say anything at all. It only looked out the window in pensive silence. It toyed with the strings on his curtain, wrapping them around its index and middle fingers, constricting them until all traces of color bled away from the digits. When, finally, it spoke, its voice had dropped, turning low and quiet, melding into the cool, night air. 

Its real voice, without all of the baby talk, was beautiful. Lea stood frozen in place, a fly in the web.

“The wardens always told me that if I was a good omega, and if I listened, then I would find an alpha who loved me, someday.” It turned to him, then, craning its neck. It did so slowly, frozen in time, like rust, cracking away from its vertebrae. Its eyes shimmered with unshed tears that smelled of wood rot and petrichor. For a long time, it looked at him. It didn’t speak again until all evidence of its shame and its sorrow had dried away and disappeared. “That was a lie, wasn’t it?” 

“I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I always knew, even if I pretended that I didn’t,” it continued, shrugging off his ignorance, as though it had never expected him to understand in the first place. For some reason, it laughed. Breathy, quiet little chuckles that echoed through the air with forlorn solemnity. Lea would never forget that sound. Not for the rest of his life. “People always say that I was evil in my past life, and that’s why I’m like this, now. But if that’s true, and I’m really as bad as they say, if my karma truly runs so deep, then I don’t see why anyone would ever care about me. It only makes sense that they wouldn’t. …That you wouldn’t. I don’t blame you for hating me. But still…” Its voiced trailed off, fading into the suffocating silence of Lea’s little bedroom. “I wanted to believe. I wanted to know how it felt to have a love like that. But I guess that was stupid of me. Wasn’t it? 

That was the most that 7S had ever spoken to him and the first time that it ever mentioned anything other than how it could serve him or what he wanted. Lea didn’t realize how unnerving its silence had been until the moment it actually, truly spoke. He didn’t know whether he wanted it to stop or to keep going. 

“I guess _I’m_ stupid,” 7S continued, leaning its head against the wall. 

“I don’t think you’re stupid,” Lea heard himself say, before he could truly think it through. “Not for wanting to be loved, or for believing what the wardens told you.”

“No. I really am stupid. Even if other people lied to me, and that’s on them, I was the one who was gullible enough to believe it. It’s my fault for getting my hopes up in the first place.” It closed its eyes and took a deep breath that shuddered through its wiry frame. “‘Don’t talk back. Do as you’re told. Be good.’ I thought that if I could do all of that and more, then I would find an alpha who loved me. But I think I get it, now. No matter how hard I work, it won’t make a difference. My karma is just too heavy. The problem here, the reason nobody loves me, isn’t because of what I can and can’t do. It’s because of what I _am_. And what I’m not. It’s not some odd combination of traits that makes me unlikable. I am unlikable inherently.”

He didn’t know what it was talking about. It used words that he didn’t understand in combinations that were too long, too tricky. 7S was smarter than it looked. He’d always known that, and yet it was during that time that the depth of its intelligence truly sunk in through the depths of his own understanding.

Lea didn’t know what to say to it, but he knew he had to try. 

“Just because I don’t love you doesn’t mean that nobody ever will,” Lea said, trying to reassure it with words that he knew rang hollow. “You know, my dad said that he thinks you’re a better omega than my mom was,” he confessed. “He says that I’m lucky that you don’t talk back, like she used to. He says you’re a good omega.”

“It doesn’t matter what he thinks. Nobody’s opinion matters to me but yours. How do you feel about me, Alpha?”

They both exactly what Lea thought about it, but he just didn’t have the strength to put those thoughts into words. Not with 7S, looking at him with that tight, self-depreciating little smile, as though it had already given up on… _everything_.

“Would you be happier if I wasn’t around?” it asked, when Lea didn’t answer.

“Maybe. …Yeah, I guess,” he admitted with a sigh, filled with more guilt and sadness than he’d ever intended. “I wish there was a way I could get you to go somewhere else, but my dad says it’s too late to send you to back to the Academy. And he won’t let me give you to any of my friends, either.”

“I know something we could do,” 7S said, looking at him with an odd expression in its cold, blue eyes, caught between curiosity and tentative fear. “Your dad never has to know that you were in on it. You can blame it all on me, and by the time anyone finds out, I’ll be long gone.” 

“Are you gonna run away?” Lea perked up, quickly making his way over to the window. The joy, the excitement, in his voice were almost palpable. 

“That’s not a realistic option. The Academy’s officers would find me. They have a sample of my scent in a little glass vial hidden in the vaults.”

“Then how am I supposed to get rid of you?” he asked, growing exasperated – but 7S only smiled, as patient as always. 

“There’s a secret that all of us omegas pass around in the Academy.” 7S stood upright, then, digging its toes into his carpet. “If you mix bleach and cleaning solution in a bucket, then… that’s it. It’s a special omegan recipe that forms a cloud of smoke that will make me disappear for good.”

“Really?!”

“…Really. I just need your permission to make it, and everything will be set.”

He almost couldn’t believe it. He knew that omegas learned all kinds of things in the Academy, but he never would have thought that magic was one of them. It was almost too good to be true. He was excited at first, but the more he thought about it, the more he began to doubt. That mixture sounded so familiar.

“Wait a second,” Lea stuttered, thinking back to everything his father had told him about safety – about all the stuff he wasn’t allowed to play with. “I think I heard about those things, before. Aren’t they dangerous?”

“In some ways, I suppose that they are.”

Lea worried his lip and thought back to his lessons. His father had never told him, exactly, what happened to kids who played with them, but he knew it wasn’t good. He was starting to think that a person couldn’t didn’t just disappear in a cloud of smoke – at the very least, not without paying a price for using that kind of magic in the first place.

7S sighed. “There’s nothing to worry about. If I shut the door and lock the windows, then you and your father will be fine. I’ll be the only one who will disappear.”

“Like… you’ll just vanish into thin air?” Lea asked, incredulous. “Are you sure? Do you actually know what’s going to happen to you?”

“I do. But the details about what happens to me aren’t important. The only thing that matters is that you won’t have to put up with me, anymore. That’s what matters, right?”

“I-I guess…” 

With that admission, 7S started walking off towards the bathroom. Like a lost, little sheep, Lea trailed after it, anxiety, bubbling up in the pit of its stomach. Before 7S could reach for the door, Lea clamped his hand down around its wrist. 

“Wait!” he cried. “Y-You know, I don’t think this is such a good idea, after all. My dad told me not to play with cleaning stuff like that. He said it was dangerous. I… think that maybe the other omegas in the Academy were wrong. Maybe you won’t actually disappear. Maybe you’ll just get hurt.”

“What if I do?” it asked, but instead of fear, or shock, or horror in its voice, there was only… confusion.

“What do you mean, ‘What if you do?’ You might get hurt! Aren’t you scared?”

7S stilled, its face, expressionless. 

“Come on, Alpha. Let me show you something.”

Taking Lea’s hand, 7S led him into the kitchen. 

It took a frying pan out from the cupboard and placed it onto the stove before twisting the knob to turn on the gas, turning it as far as it could go. Tiny sparks burst into flames, dancing beneath the metal, brighter than anything Lea had ever seen. 

“What are you doing?” he asked, his fear, building by the second. 

“I want to show you that whatever happens, it’s okay. Even if it hurts, I can handle it. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Without a single word of warning, 7S pulled off its little white glove and pressed its fingertips down onto the burning pan. An echoing sizzle pierced through his eardrums, louder than a firecracker. 

“Hey, stop!” he shouted. “What’re you doing?! _Stop it_!” 

He tried to reach for it, to pull its hand away from the pan, but 7S only extended its other arm, blocking his way. 

“You shouldn’t come any closer,” it warned, “You could get seriously hurt if this pan falls on you, or if you bump up against it.”

Oh, like it was one to talk.

“What about you?”

“I’ll be fine,” it insisted. “Even if there’s permanent damage, once I mix up those ingredients… it won’t matter, anyway.”

Despite the concern that it had shown for its own alpha, 7S didn’t give itself that same kindness. It never removed its fingers from the pan, even when the metal charred his skin black, and smoke began to rise from the tips of its burning fingers. Finally, after what seemed like ages of Lea’s incessant screaming and begging, 7S turned off the stove and peeled back its hand, splaying out his fingers for him to see. 

“Don’t be afraid. Here. Look. …I’m tougher than everyone thinks I am.” 

A thin, black layer of burnt flesh, as smooth and shiny as glass, had formed over its fingertips, though the longer Lea stared down at the damage, the more he noticed cracks, forming in the residue. Fluid-filled blisters began to rise through the surface, pushing through the gaping wounds. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Lea asked. “Doesn’t that hurt?” 

7S took his hand and ran their fingertips together. He touched the burns and the blisters. He knew that they were real, that they must have been painful, and yet 7S never so much as flinched. He’d wondered, for a moment, if the rumors were true, and omegas couldn’t feel pain, after all. 

“Yeah. It does,” 7S replied, much to his surprise. “It hurts a lot.”

Lea quickly pulled his hand away, as he blinked back, confused. 

“Then why aren’t you crying?”

Gods knew he’d be bawling his eyes out, if their roles were switched. 

But 7S only shrugged. 

“In the Academy, there was a foreign omega who was born in a village where it always snowed. She lived there for five years with a homeless man who took her in as his daughter – before the Academy’s officers found them both and sent her to live with us. She used to tell me how the winters here in the city are so warm she’d wake up in a pool of her own sweat, even on the coldest nights. Even when our heating unit broke down for a week, and it was so cold I lost the feeling in my toes, she was still sweating through her blankets.” It smiled, then, losing itself to the fondness of its memories, if only for a moment. “It’s… kind of like that, I suppose. I’ve been taking punishments in the Academy for as long as I can remember. The pain is always there, so… I’ve just gotten used to it, I guess, like she’d gotten used to the cold.”

“When you say ‘punishments,’ what kind of stuff are you talking about?” Lea asked, even when he wasn’t entirely certain that he wanted to know. “Like spankings? Or…”

“I’m not allowed to tell you that. As your omega, it’s my duty to preserve your innocence until you come of age,” 7S stated in steady monotone, as though reciting a passage from some manual, somewhere. 

Lea looked down at his feet and tried to stop his mind from wandering.

“Well, maybe when we’re bigger, you can tell me, then.” 

“I won’t be able to do that. If you make me disappear, I won’t ever come back. That will be beyond my abilities.” 

It occurred to Lea, then, that 7S still hadn’t answered his questions as to what would actually happen to it. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like mixing up bleach and cleaner wasn’t some formula to make a person disappear. He was starting to think that his dad was right, and the whole idea was starting to sound more dangerous than fantastical by the second. 

“Hey, 7S? You didn’t tell me, earlier. What’s really gonna happen to you when we put all that stuff together?” Lea asked, still looking down at his feet, if only to avoid the steely gaze of those unreadable, blue eyes. 

“I… can’t tell you, Alpha. I’m sorry, but like I said before, I have a duty to preserve your innocence. I’ll disappear and get out of your life. That’s all I can say. There will be some noise, and it might smell a little, but don’t open the door. Once everything in the bathroom is quiet, just wait a little bit longer, and then call your father or the Academy wardens. They’ll take care of everything else.”

“So, you get to know what happens, and I don’t?” Lea huffed, stomping his feet. “That’s not fair! I’m your alpha, aren’t I? That means you have to do everything I say. Right?”

“Yes,” 7S admitted, though certainly not joyfully. “That’s correct.”

“Then tell me!” He shouted, shaking his omega’s shoulders. “I order you to tell me!”

Never once did it ever fight back. It stood there, limp as a ragdoll, as he jostled it about. Finally having enough, 7S brushed his arms aside and leaned against the counter. It stared back at him, unblinking – its eyes, half-lidded. 

“Very well. If that’s what you want,” it sighed, crossing its arms. “The truth, Alpha… is that mixing those chemicals together will result in my death. Bleach and ammonium-based cleaners, if combined, form a chlorine gas that’s lethal to anyone who breathes it in for an extended period of time.”

…

What was it 7S had said? 

It was almost as though the world had gone dark in the work of a moment. The continents crumbled away, cities and mountains, toppling into the sea, until nothing remained standing but their humble little kitchen – and just the two of them, standing beside each other in suffocating silence.

“Do you even know what dying is?” Lea asked, horrified. He couldn’t understand how anybody could ever speak so casually about something like death. Surely, 7S didn’t know what it entailed. There was no way it possibly could. 

“Yes. I do,” it answered. Lea wasn’t convinced.

“If you really understood, then you’d never tell me to help you with something like that. Dying means that you go to sleep and never wake up. Ever! The monks say you’ll get reborn into something else, but they were wrong about my mom, and they could be wrong about Saṃsāra, too. Maybe once people die, that’s it. Lights out. Do you really want to take that kind of chance?”

“It’s not much of a gamble to me. I don’t have anything to lose,” 7S stated. “I’m not so certain that death is all that bad, anyway, whether it leads to a second life or not. Either way, I can accept whatever comes next, whether it’s another life or oblivion. I’ve had a lot of time to get ready for it.”

“What do you mean? We’re only kids!” He didn’t even have enough time to get himself ready for another year of school once summer vacation was over. He couldn’t even imagine thinking about preparing himself for something like death. “How much time was there?” 

“Eight years,” 7S answered. “That’s almost a decade. You don’t think that’s a long time?”

“Not really…” 

He was still in primary school; he wasn’t even a big kid, yet. Axel still liked to watch cartoons and play with toys. He was just a pup. Until 7S had mentioned it, he’d never even thought about dying, himself. Death was something that came from grown-ups, like his mother and his grandpa.

Not for kids like 7S.

“Well, I think it’s a very long time,” it commented. “The days drag on, and each one is harder than the last. Life is too long in general, don’t you think so?” 

No. Frankly, he didn’t.

“Or maybe I’m the only one who thinks that, and it’s just my life that’s too long,” the omega echoed, its voice, dying down a shuddering whisper. “You think so, too, don’t you? I have a lot of years left ahead of me. It’d be a pain for you to get stuck as my mate for all that time.”

Lea wasn’t so sure of that, anymore, but even when he’d wanted to say something, he couldn’t muster up the courage. He looked down at his omega’s smiling face – and it paralyzed him. 

“I know what I’m doing, and I’m ready for it. So you don’t have to be afraid,” 7S said, tilting its head with a cherubic little smile. “You can blame it all on me, remember? You can say that I was stupid and mixed up the wrong solutions when I was cleaning the bathroom. Your dad can’t get mad if it’s an accident. Especially one that’s all my fault.” 

“I’m not going to tell him anything because we’re not doing this,” Lea insisted, even when 7S seemingly ignored his protests. 

It turned on its heel and walked towards the hallway. 

“Hey, wait! Listen!” Lea begged, jogging after it. Clinging onto its wrist. “E-Even if you think you’re ready to die, I don’t think this is a good way to do it. It’ll probably hurt really bad.” For some reason, that was the only thing he could think about – the pain. 7S, convulsing on the bathroom floor as it coughed and sputtered. Bloody tears, falling down its cheeks. “It’ll hurt really, _really_ bad! Aren’t you scared of that? Even a little?”

To his relief, 7S stopped in its tracks, lingering in the hallway as it shifted its weight from side to side. 

“I… don’t know. Maybe, I guess,” it answered. “I didn’t really give it much thought. To be honest, Alpha, I’m _always_ scared. But thinking about dying, now – dying from the gas… maybe I’m a little more scared than usual.”

“Then we shouldn’t do it. Come on,” he said, tugging at the omega’s arm. “Let’s just go back to my room and go to sleep. We can think about another way for me to get rid of you.”

“No. I can do this,” 7S said, with a silent and dignified resolve in its voice. Despite everything they’d gone through, when it looked up at him, it was with a smile filled with something almost akin to affection. “You’re the only person that’s ever been nice to me, so I can do this, if it’s for you.”

“…What are you talking about?” Lea whispered. 

He’d been bullying 7S ever since he’d met it. He only spoke to it when he barked it orders – to shut up, to go away, to stand in the corner until it got so hungry, he could hear its stomach rumbling from across the room. 

There was nothing nice or good about the way that he’d acted. 

“I did some really bad things to you,” Lea continued. “I was –” 

He was a jerk, just like the big kids at the park, picking on people that were weaker than him. 

“You were kind,” 7S insisted. “Nobody’s ever gotten so afraid for me when I was in pain, or… stopped to think about whether I was scared, before. It was really, very kind of you to think about me.”

He was too shocked to say anything at all. How anyone could talk like that was beyond him – but perhaps it was another situation like the omega from the snowy village. An omega so accustomed to being treated with cruelty would recognize even the smallest kindnesses… wouldn’t it? 

“I’ve been ready to die for a very long time,” it insisted, “And look –” it added with a gentle smile, as it flicked at the blisters on its fingertips, peeling back the burned skin. “I can take the pain. Really, I can. So you don’t have to worry about me. I promise. I’ll be just fine.” 

Blood and pus dripped from its fingertips, splattering onto the kitchen tile. Again and again, 7S peeled away at the skin and burned muscle – and the entire time, its smile never wavered. 

Lea felt bile pushing at his throat.

“It’s okay,” 7S reassured him, as Lea shuddered in pure revulsion, staring down at the blood and the gore. “I never had the right to live, in the first place. And no one would miss me, anyway.”

“That’s not true!” Lea finally said, all of his pent-up frustration, bursting like a firecracker. The strength of his own voice pierced through the kitchen with a startling furor. For the first time since they’d started this talk of pain and death, 7S looked just as shocked as he did – until its eyes, blown wide, settled back down into their usual quiet calm. It didn’t believe him. Lea just knew it. Biting his lower lip, Lea began to wonder just what 7S meant to him. “I would.” 

He didn’t realize he’d been crying until 7S cradled his face in its hand. It brushed its thumb against his cheek, soaking his tears into its little white glove.

“It’ll be okay. The Academy will take care of everything. You won’t even have to look at my body. You’ll get your mother’s collar back and your room, and you’ll be able to forget all about me. Once the officers clean up the mess, it’ll be like I never existed in the first place.” 

That was the last straw. Grabbing the omega’s burnt hand, Lea dragged it to the bathroom sink and held its fingers beneath a steady stream of ice-cold water. Still weeping, he washed away the blood and the pus, as he scrubbed at 7S’s hand, peeling away his dead, burnt skin. 

“I’m sorry…” Lea hiccupped in between his sobs. “I’m sorry for everything. When I said I hated you and wanted you to go away forever, I didn’t mean it. I won’t let you die, so stop talking like that. You’ll be fine, okay? Everything’s… going to be fine.” 

He scrubbed until the bleeding stopped and his omega’s fingers turned a deep, raw pink. The pain must have been intense, and yet it never flinched. Not once. Lea wiped his runny nose on his sleeve before digging around under the sink for ointment and bandages.

“What are you doing, Alpha?” 7S asked.

“Stop calling me that! I’m sick of it!” Lea grabbed it by the shoulders and shook. And for some reason, his omega looked more horrified, then, than it had when it had burned itself on the stove. “Just call me Lea.”

“But that’s your given name.”

“Well,” Lea began, gathering his courage and pressing onward, “friends don’t call each other ‘Alpha,’ do they?”

Genuine curiosity flashed across his omega’s eyes, and it looked up at him, full of childish wonder that made his heart feel light. 

“Friends?”

“Yeah,” Lea agreed, forcing on a smile. “That’s what you wanted when we first met, right? To be friends?” 

“…Yes. It was.”

“Then let’s do it. Let’s be friends starting now. And as friends, I want you to stop calling me Alpha and start calling me Lea. And from now on, I’ll call you –” His omega’s eyes lit up brighter than the moon and stars, as though it couldn’t believe that his naming day had finally come, after all those years of being nothing more than a number. 

“Isa,” he decided, with a firm nod and a gentle smile. “If you’re okay with it, then that’s what your name’ll be,” he said, placing a gentle hand on his omega’s chest. 

“Where did that name come from?” he laughed. Since the moment they met, it was the very first time that his omega’s smile ever reached his eyes, crinkling gently at the corners. “Don’t get me wrong: it’s nice. I’m just wondering whether you made it up on the spot.”

“Well… maybe,” he answered, chuckling as he scratched at the back of his neck. “I think short names are the coolest. They’re really easy to memorize, so when you introduce yourself, no one will ever forget you. That’s the whole point of a name, isn’t it? To make sure people remember you.”

“A name of my own…” Isa said, with that same, pensive expression that he could never quite read. “It’s nice. But to be honest, I was kind of afraid that you’d name me something stupid. You hear all kinds of horror stories in the Academy.”

“I wouldn’t do that!” Lea answered, amazed at just how personable his little omega could be, when he was actually given the chance to talk. “This is supposed to be my way of saying sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me,” Isa answered, and his smile strengthened. “You’re my alpha. I’ll always love you. No matter what.”

______________________________________________

He’d been sitting in the dining room for hours, cutting his eggs and sausage into soft, spongey bits, just to pass the time. He was too nauseous to eat, and yet his anxiety kept him plastered in his chair. Waiting. Even when he knew that there was an ice cream bar in Twilight Town with his name on it, Axel felt as though leaving that kitchen would have meant giving up on Saïx entirely. And as distant as they’d grown over the years, Axel wasn’t ready for that. 

He waited and waited, until it was closer to lunchtime than breakfast – but his patience hadn’t been in vain. The first thing Axel noticed was the scent. The first note held a sweetness like any other omega’s scent, virginal or not, and yet beneath that hid a layer of smoky musk, reminiscent of an alpha’s sweat. Deeper still, however, wafted an exotic allure, thick and viscous, that turned heads better than any perfume ever could.

It was the scent of a fallen omega. A slut. 

Saïx turned the corner, and their eyes met. 

Axel could see his feet minutely shift towards the hallway, as Saïx was surely overcome by the omegan urge to flee, and yet, fighting off his instinct, he grounded his stance. He couldn’t run from what he was, and so he embraced it. With a whore’s shameless confidence, he stalked into the kitchen with unshakable poise. 

Saïx didn’t say a single word as he walked past Axel towards the coffeemaker. 

It was typical, really. Axel didn’t have a doubt in his mind that Saïx could spend the entirety of his belated breakfast in bitter silence, even when the alpha that had knotted him was sitting right by his side. If he didn’t want to live in silence forever, as the alpha in the room, it fell to Axel to take the lead and bridge the gap between them. Gods knew Saïx wouldn’t lift a finger to help, when giving Axel the cold shoulder was so classically, poetically omegan. Embodying the very image of a lover, scorned, he would turn up his nose and say nothing, just as always. 

“Morning, Saïx,” he greeted through a tight, joyless smile. 

He could see his shoulders tense. 

“…Number VIII.”

“You’re kind of late this morning. You feeling okay?” he asked, careful to keep his voice soft and nonconfrontational. Walking on thin ice. 

“I’m well enough.”

“I, uh… don’t know about that. You look kind of pale. Come on – sit down. Let me cook something for you.” When he received no response, Axel coughed into his fist and forced himself to continue onwards, bravely. “I know my recipes aren’t anywhere close to being as good as yours, but I’ve been practicing. Xion found this cookbook in Twilight Town, and we’ve all been learning how to cook together, ever since. Me and Roxas made some chocolate chip pancakes the other day that were actually pretty good. You want me to make you some?”

Saïx took a deep breath that wracked his wiry frame, and for a moment, Axel thought that was the end of it. They’d have nothing left to say to each other – until Saïx set down his mug and sighed, low and quiet.

“I’d rather starve myself, first.”

Axel didn’t doubt the sincerity of those words. Not for a moment. 

From what little he knew of the Academy, from Saïx’s testimony, back when they still considered each other as friends, he’d learned that even meals weren’t guaranteed. Food was considered a privilege, to be withheld as a punishment or on nothing more than a warden’s whim. Hunger had been a norm for even a “good omega” like Saïx, and he’d grown accustomed to it, just like he was used to pain and the creeping shadow of death. It was nothing to fear and instead a sad, unbreakable reality to tolerate in silence. 

Indefinitely, if needed. 

“But you love pancakes,” Axel whined, teasing despite the growing uneasiness between them. “Do you not want any because I’m the one who’s making them? …Or because it’s Xion’s recipe?”

“Careful, Eight. Speak so often and so fondly of your companions, and the Superior will begin to suspect collusion,” Saïx scolded, as he prepared his meager breakfast, not of pancakes, or eggs and sausage, but of simple coffee, laced with moonshine. When he uncapped that familiar, silver flask, Axel could smell its contents, even from that distance. Like unfiltered gasoline, its caustic vapors stung him fiercely. His eyes watered. He didn’t know how Saïx could drink something like that. Unfazed, his omega slipped that flask back into his hidden pocket and took a sip of the poison. “Have you forgotten the most unfortunate fates that befell our last set of traitors? We wouldn’t want Lord Xemnas to suspect any treachery amongst your group in particular. Would we?”

Axel shuddered. Friend or not, he wanted to wipe that snide little grin right off of Saïx’s face. Back when they were children, he never looked like that – as though he could stand at the gallows and smile, as Axel and his friends stood ready for execution, struggling to breathe beneath the nooses, cinched tight around their necks. 

He’d probably laugh when they hanged.

“Who’d ever put that idea in his head? You?”

“If I must,” Saïx said, hiding the evidence of his vices back into his coat. That admission shouldn’t have hurt him as much as it did. “I know where my loyalties lie.” 

“Do you? Here I thought you were supposed to support your alpha,” Axel grumbled, more aggressively than he’d intended. He regretted taking that tone as soon as the words came out of his mouth. “You know: for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and all that.”

“I have no alpha,” Saïx replied, bringing down the guillotine. “As such, I may as well act within my own best interests. I have nothing to prove and no potential mates to impress.”

Axel had the strangest feeling that it wasn’t Saïx’s confidence talking as much as it was his hopelessness. No one to impress, indeed. He was used goods, and there was no denying that fact. There wasn’t an alpha in all the worlds who would accept an omega who had already been knotted. Sloppy seconds carried a stigma. Even in Radiant Garden, where omegas were so scarce, mating a fallen omega implied that a person wasn’t “alpha enough” to find themselves a proper mate. 

Who would ever want to subject themselves to that kind of shame? 

Saïx’s fate was as good as sealed. He would never find a proper mate. Not one that wasn’t desperate, who wasn’t crude, and who wouldn’t beat and belittle him – or try to, anyway. Axel didn’t have a doubt in his mind that any alpha who’d dare to strike him would be reduced to nothing more than a thin, red paste, splattered on the side streets and staining the edges of Saïx’s claymore. 

“You don’t have to be so fatalistic,” Axel tried to reassure him. “When I said, yesterday, that you didn’t need a mate to be somebody, I didn’t mean that you should give up on yourself,” Axel tried to clarify, though he knew that it was too little and far too late. Saïx had given up ages ago. Behind closed doors, when he dropped his feigned confidence, Saïx always sounded so defeated. 

It was getting worse over time, the more they both began to realize that searching for their missing friend was likely a lost cause. Axel missed her, of course, but he suspected that she meant more to Saïx than to him. It was meeting her than had given Saïx a new purpose in life, after Axel had already rejected him. Even when he’d already been knotted, even when he smelled like a whore, the third member of their happy little trio had fallen head over heels in love with him, not as an omega – but as a man. 

She was an omega, just like him, but she loved Saïx, all the same, choosing him over all the alphas in that castle. She loved how sullen he was. How pensive, how thoughtful. 

She was supposed to be his savior. 

“Don’t patronize me. _You’re_ the one who’s given up,” Saïx hissed, sneering down at him with his canines bared. “We have a mission to accomplish, and yet look at you, dithering about, wasting time, pointlessly reliving your childhood with a boy and a puppet.”

“I thought I told you to quit calling her that,” Axel snapped – though he hoped that Saïx knew that he would have stood up for him in exactly the same way, if anyone questioned his humanity. “Her name is Xion. She’s my friend just as much as Roxas is.”

“If that puppet is a real girl, then what does that make me? What am I to you?” Saïx asked in that paradoxical voice, soft and classically omegan, and yet with a cold, underlying aggression that made his skin crawl. 

Though it nauseated him to admit it, in truth, Axel didn’t have an answer. Saïx wasn’t his mated omega. He wasn’t a friend, or a partner, or an ally. He was just –

A warm body that he knotted once a month, out of obligation instead of desire.

Axel shook his head.

“What am I, Eight?”

“You’re a person, too, _obviously_. You’re not an ‘it’ any more than she is,” Axel continued, as he slowly made his approach, as though comforting a wounded animal, “You know, I don’t understand how you can talk down to her like that when you should know, more than anyone, how it feels to get treated like you’re garbage.”

“You’re wrong,” Saïx said, looking back at him with that unwavering, half-lidded gaze. His golden eyes were dull. Foreign and unreadable. “Even when I didn’t have a name of my own, I never felt anything. The Academy was what it was. I was never dissatisfied with my lot in life. I never knew any better. You were the one who changed that,” he continued, his voice, softening. “But if I had known that this would be my fate –”

He wanted to grab him by the shoulders and scream at him to stop, but Axel was paralyzed in place, frozen by that petrifying stare.

“Oh, Lea,” Calling his name with that weak half-smile, tugging at the corner of his lips, Saïx looked so young, just like a pup. “I would have rather you left me to die in ignorance.”

Breathing hard, his vision tunneled. He should have said something, _anything_ , and yet, before he so much as had the opportunity to gather his bearings, he heard the gentle tap of footsteps and the echoes of childish laughter ringing in the halls. 

“Hey, Xion! I found him!” Roxas called, as he jogged into the kitchen. When he saw Saïx behind the counter, however, he froze. His brow furrowed, and it was almost amusing, in a way, how a boy with no heart could put on such a convincing show of anger and palpable hatred. When Xion jogged in behind him, reflexively, she hid behind his back, fearing Saïx’s ire. It was ingrained into her, after all of the lectures and punishments she’d endured at Saïx’s hand. 

“What are _you_ doing here, Saïx?” Roxas asked, scowling. 

Immediately, Axel backed away. There were very few reasons why an alpha would ever corner an omega against a kitchen counter. If Roxas were only a few years older, perhaps he would have finally solved the biggest mystery of Organization XIII and discovered just who, among their ranks, was the one who broke Saïx’s heats every month.

In the face of an alpha’s anger, even one as young as Roxas, any other omega would have apologized and fled, but Saïx was fearless. Emboldened with a whore’s confidence, a virgin’s righteousness, and a mother’s dignity, he crossed his arms and stood tall, accepting the challenge.

“As the right hand of our Lord Superior, I hardly have any need to explain myself to you. On the contrary, it is you who must justify your actions as of late, Thirteen. You have an assignment to complete,” Saïx replied, ignoring his question. “The deadline fast approaches, and yet you linger in this castle, doing nothing of interest. Perhaps this mission is far too simple for you, and you require something far more difficult to engage you. Perhaps something dangerous.”

“N-No!” Xion stuttered, though Roxas quickly silenced her with a comforting hand on his shoulder. Going on a mission that Saïx had infamously labeled as ‘dangerous,’ was tantamount to suicide.

“Don’t do this to them,” Axel interjected, shaking his head. “They’re just kids. They just wanted to go out and get some ice cream. That’s it. It was only going to take an hour, and then we were all going to split up and get right back to work.”

“Come on, Axel,” Roxas mumbled, still seething in his anger, “let’s go.”

He wanted to. More than anything. Instead, however, Axel sighed and shook his head. 

“I’ll pass,” he said. “This is… It’s a bad time. Why don’t you two go for today, and we can all hang out together later?”

“What? But you skipped movie night yesterday, and then we have all these missions,” he whined. “We won’t be able to hang out for another week!”

“Sorry, Roxas. I just… It’s –”

“That’s quite alright. You should go,” Saïx interjected, suddenly, sounding just the way he did when he turned Axel away the evening prior. Quiet and dignified – with a solemnity that only someone close to him would ever recognize. Punishing himself to hurt Axel tenfold. “I will permit it, if only this once.”

“No,” Axel insisted. “I can get ice cream anytime. We should finish what we were talking about. Come on, let’s go to your office.”

“Axel!” Roxas whined, though Xion was quick to silence him, that time. 

“I think they were talking about something important,” she whispered. “Maybe we should come back later.”

“This is important,” Axel tried to explain, even when he knew that he was failing. “I have to –”

“You should go. I have other, more pressing matters at hand,” Saïx repeated, turning back to the coffee maker, effectively ending their conversation, even when Axel still had so many questions. “Regardless,” he added, at the very last moment, in a voice so quiet that Axel could just barely hear him, “There’s nothing left for me to say.”

Instinctively, Axel grasped for him, but the moment his fingers brushed against Saïx’s shoulder, the man disappeared in a cloud of darkness. The portal opened at his feet and swallowed him whole, taking him so far away, Axel knew that he could never hope to reach him.


	3. Chapter 3

“Don’t worry about Mum. I’m sure he’s fine,” Luxord insisted, patting Axel on the shoulder to assuage his fears. 

Saïx wasn’t anybody’s mother, of course. The nickname stemmed not from his official title but from feelings of fondness and familiarity amongst peers. It was a title reserved for older omegas, grandmotherly figures, who’d already birthed six or seven pups and who spent long afternoons, knitting in the sunroom. “Mum” was an omega who baked cookies and invited neighborhood children to relax in the family den after a long summer day of playing in the sun. In contrast, there wasn’t a motherly bone in Saïx’s body. Surely, Saïx must have known that he didn’t have the kindness and the selflessness to live up to the title that Luxord had given him. It could have been perceived as condescending, and yet, for whatever reason, he tolerated it, not as though Axel could ever understand why. Perhaps Saïx simply preferred any nickname at all over being referred to as just another number. 

He’d already endured eight years of that garbage in The Academy. 

“If he’s fine, then where is he?” Axel asked. “This is the third day in a row he’s missed dinner.”

And the second month in a row that he hadn’t called Axel up to his nest to tend to him the throes of his heat. It should have come, already. Either Saïx was seriously ill, or he was spreading his legs for somebody else. Axel didn’t know which possibility was worse, and yet he wasn’t in any rush to discover the truth for himself. The mere thought of confronting Saïx made him sick to his stomach.

“Well, it’s about that time of the month, isn’t it?” Luxord replied with a cheeky yet sympathetic smile. As smarmy as old ‘Number X’ could be, at times, Axel had to admit that he was a good man, all things considered. At the very least, he was kind to omegas and had a particularly soft spot for Saïx, which was more than enough to get him into Axel’s good graces. “Who knows, maybe Mum’s gone out on a date. Maybe he’s finally found himself a beau. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

“Nobody’s courting him. There’s no way,” Axel deflected – and he was relieved that Luxord had mistaken his defensiveness for disgust. 

The older alpha tutted at him, shaking his head.

“I know that Mum is a fallen omega, and I also understand that you and your group of friends aren’t particularly fond of him, but it wouldn’t hurt for the lot of you to show him a little bit of kindness, now and again, would it? You think it doesn’t upset him to be unmated at his age? You shouldn’t poke fun, Axel. It’s like kicking a stray dog.”

Endlessly amused, Xigbar clutched at his sides and cackled. His laughter, loud and boisterous, echoed through the kitchen like fireworks.

“As if! You mean it’s like kicking a _wolf_ , right?” he asked, wiping away mock tears. “This is Saïx you’re talking about. He’s tough as nails, even by alpha standards.”

Luxord lifted his hands in mock surrender, bidding Xigbar to give him time to explain before he burst into another fit of unquenchable laughter.

“Regardless of his personality, Mum is still an omega and deserves the chivalry afforded to one.”

“Look at you, coming to the rescue. If you like ol’ Blueberry so much, why don’t you mate him?” Xigbar teased. Before Luxord could so much as answer, however, Xigbar continued, pointing finger guns. “It’s because of the smell, isn’t it?”

Even without any clarification, Axel knew exactly what he was talking about. Saïx smelled like a _whore_. That was the implication which hung so heavily over their heads. Though Xigbar remained smiling and Luxord picked silently at the remnants of supper, an undeniable tension had settled upon the three of them.

Everyone knew the truth, and everyone agreed that the smell was intolerable, but it was a bit of an open secret, never to be mentioned in polite company. It wasn’t so much that they were kind enough to spare Saïx the humiliation as much as they simply wished to avoid the awkwardness, themselves. 

“Nobody wants to mate an omega that smells like that,” Xigbar continued, taking on a rare, serious tone that grated on Axel’s every nerve. “Might as well stick your knot in a gas station glory hole. It’s probably cleaner.”

Axel dug his fingernails into the side of the table until the wood beneath them splintered, piercing into his skin. He should have said something, anything, and yet he just didn’t have the courage. If it were Xion and Roxas on the chopping block, he would have been the first to come to their defense, and yet he couldn’t afford Saïx the same privilege when it meant revealing the past and all the ugliness between them. Shame welled up within him, mocking his cowardice, and yet, still, biting his tongue until it bled, Axel said nothing. Instead, eager to maintain the illusion of their distance, Axel stood back and let Luxord take up Saïx’s defense, in his stead.

“I hope he never hears you talking like that,” Luxord reprimanded, though Xigbar only shrugged in response. 

“Sirrah High and Mighty? Oh, like he’d give a damn. He's got thick skin. Like _leather_. You think me and Axel are the only alphas who’ve ever talked crap about him? I’m sure he’s heard insults twice as bad from alphas ten times better than we are.”

Xigbar was right, of course. As the only omega amongst them, even when he was deemed “undesirable,” Saïx had inevitably become the favorite subject of the Organization’s locker room talk. Nearly all of the alphas in the castle had voiced an opinion on how they’d fuck him, at least once. Even Axel had taken part, smearing mud over Saïx’s good name, if only to hide the true nature of their relationship. 

He wished he could forget everything he’d heard.

Larxene had wanted to poke and cut him. To shock him until he screamed. She’d wanted to torment him and make him feel ugly. Worthless. She’d always wanted to know whether Saïx would break down and cry if she shaved off his hair. According to her, his beauty was all he had going for him. Surely, even he knew he’d be nothing without it. 

Xaldin was far less subtle. All he wanted was to force his knot in dry and watch Saïx squirm.

Marluxia had wanted to bind and gag him. To tie him to the bed and force him down. He’d wanted Saïx to look at him during the whole ordeal, so he could see the fear and the shame well up in his eyes when he finally deigned to spear him on his cock. 

At the very least, with his trademark sarcasm, all that Xigbar had ever wanted was to know if Saïx was any good in bed, since he’d surely done it a thousand times before.

And he _was_ good – not as though Axel would ever tell him the truth, when he knew his old friend would never hear the end of it. 

“Hey. All joking aside, don’t worry about him,” Xigbar said, suddenly, dragging Axel out of his headspace. “I’m sure Blueberry’s fine. He’s probably just stuck working late or something. You remember how much paperwork we brought back from Castle Oblivion? I bet he’s still sifting through that garbage, looking for the answer to some question that only he and Xemnas really know.”

“Yeah, probably,” Axel sighed, running his hand through his hair and brushing aside the splinters under his nails.

“Besides, it’s not like a few days without dinner will kill him,” Xigbar added, with a teasing chuckle. “You see how much weight he’s put on, recently? …That’s what a desk job will get you, I guess. High blood pressure and morbid obesity.”

Shrugging, Xigbar stood and began gathering up his dishes. He and Luxord talked a little longer, sharing stories about gods only knew what; Axel wasn’t listening.

Far beyond the reach of his companions’ voices, his mind never stopped wandering back to thoughts of Saïx. 

________________________________________

In rhythmic staccato, Demyx paced up and down the hallway, biding his time. 

It wasn’t often that a “bottom feeder” like him received a summons to the illustrious Saïx’s office. On the contrary, private meetings with X-Face were an honor reserved for the likes of Xigbar and Xaldin. Under differing circumstances, maybe Demyx would have been jealous about being excluded from the Organization’s secret club of bigwigs, but it wasn’t like they were having a party or anything. No, instead of passing around weed brownies and jello shots, Saïx was dishing out hot, fresh… _missions_. Urgent, covert ops reserved for the eyes of high-ranking members only. It was time-consuming, dangerous stuff. 

And if that was the case, Demyx was fine with being left out, not like he’d ever spread the word that he even knew about those meetings in the first place.

They were supposed be kept under wraps, but Xigbar, that lovable blabbermouth, filled him in on all the juicy details after every single one. Not about the stupid, boring missions, but about Saïx and the fun little things that he’d about discovered about his nest. When they all lived together in a nonstop knot fest, meetings with X-Face were the only opportunity they had to catch a rare glimpse into the life of the fairer sex. 

Though, over time, Demyx realized that the details weren’t as interesting as he’d hoped. According to Xigbar, Saïx lived like any other dude – just a particularly tidy one. There were no lacey panties or little bathing suits. No cute dolls or bunny ear headbands. Taking the place of all the delicate, omegan flare he’d been hoping for were… an antique abacus and a bookcase full of stupid classic novels. There wasn’t even a single dildo to be found. To say that Demyx was disappointed at that discovery was an understatement. There they were, beating the odds, lucky enough to have a bona-fide _omega_ on their team, and they got stuck with one that wasn’t even sexy. Not even behind closed doors. Hell, X-Face had probably never taken a single nude in his entire life.

Omegas were supposed to be insatiable sex kittens, but Saïx was a _prude_. 

He was probably ashamed of his body, and that claymore was desperately overcompensating for something. Everyone knew that male omegas had dicks the size of cocktail weenies. If Demyx had a dick that small, he’d be embarrassed about it, too. Not that he would ever be brave enough to ask Saïx, himself, if the rumors were true, when he’d grind him up and turn _him_ into sausages at the very first provocation.

Before he could lose his nerve, Demyx imagined Saïx in nothing but his underwear – lacey panties – and walked into his office with his head held high.

It was because of all of Xigbar’s stories about Saïx’s frigid attitude and his boring nest that Demyx had thought that he’d known what to expect from the summons. He’d get some kind of special mission, and that would be that. No small talk, no nothing. Not even a hello or a how do you do. Stiff as a board, he’d take a seat across from X-Face at a big, ebony desk, and they’d get right on down to business. 

That was what was _supposed_ to happen, anyway.

Instead, when he took a seat that desk, he was greeted not with coldness or hostility but instead with something almost akin to omegan hospitality. A glass of wine and a cheese board were already there, waiting for him. It was expensive looking stuff, with an assortment of meats and – were those _figs_?

He’d never seen a fresh fig in his entire life. 

In any other circumstance, Demyx would have been eager to try one – but it was X-Face who had put that plate together, and, sadly, he trusted him just about as far as he could throw him. He knew it, alright. It was poisoned. Maybe Saïx had some secret agenda, or maybe it was just for shits and giggles because he was absolutely fucking evil. Either way, he wouldn’t put it past him.

Saïx was a snake, and everybody knew it.

“What’s up with the cheese platter?” Demyx asked with clear suspicion, as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Tentatively, he gave the piece of wood a little nudge with the tip of his pinky and flinched back, afraid that it would explode in his face like some kind of secret, omegan grenade.

“It’s a charcuterie board,” Saïx began to explain, before giving up. Clearly, that wasn’t the hill he wanted to die on. “Consider it a token of my hospitality.”

For someone trying to be hospitable, Saïx looked as sullen as ever. Properly grim, he didn’t even smile. Not once. That fact, compounded with the darkness of his office and the heavy scent of cigar smoke didn’t make Demyx feel particularly at home in the place – not that he was going to complain.

“I understand that this must seem rather unsettling,” Saïx continued, folding his hands on his lap. “Meeting me here. Deviating from the norm as such.”

“No, I get what this is all about. You give out special missions in your office, right? Xigbar told me all about it,” Demyx blurted out, before realizing that he’d just betrayed his best friend’s confidence. Like an _idiot_. “N-Not that we gossip! Especially not about you! Hahaha! Haha… Ha.”

Saïx went quiet for a moment – and Demyx _really_ thought he was in for it – but instead of losing his temper and tearing him a new one, X-Face simply let out a quiet, pensive little hum.

“Am I to expect this very same lack of discretion from you?” Before Demyx could stutter out an excuse and a bunch of false promises, Saïx continued. “I would like for you to answer honestly, Number IX. Rest assured that regardless of your answer, I will not impose any penalties upon you.”

Yeah, right. That kind of noncommittal, probing comment only served to unsettle him further. Demyx resisted the urge to inch his chair closer to the door with every passing minute. He’d always hated serious conversations.

“I guess it depends on what kind of mission you’re talking about,” he answered with an unamused sigh, already wishing he’d played hooky and stayed in his room. “…And what I’m getting out of it.”

Reaching into his desk, Saïx pulled out a little black envelope. Wordlessly, he slid it across the polished wood of his desk – like that clearly wasn’t ominous at all.

“The reward for a successful completion of this mission, along with the promise of your secrecy, is a full twenty-one days off of the roster. I will personally clear your schedule and mark you as unavailable during any time period that will please you.”

Demyx just about choked on his own spit.

“Seriously?!” he shrieked, slapping his hands down onto the table in excitement. “Three weeks off?! No joke?”

“You have my word.”

That was more off-time than he’d expected to have for the entire year! Already, Demyx’s mind was lighting up like firecrackers, swimming with pictures of music festivals and seaside naps. All the fun he would have and all the crazy shenanigans he would get up to. It was only until he thought about the details that he realized just how suspicious Saïx’s request actually was. Demyx didn’t have low self-esteem or anything, but even he could admit that he was, perhaps, one of the weaker, flakier members of their humble Organization. Why Saïx would choose him for a special mission when both Xigbar and Xaldin were available was beyond him. 

Taking the omega’s little black envelope, Demyx waved it like a paper fan, desperately trying to cool himself off – and hide the fact that he was profusely sweating. He couldn’t help it. In classic omegan fashion, Saïx had cranked up his heater as far as it would go. Omegas were always cold, and, as it turned out, old X-Face was no exception.

He was more delicate than he’d thought. 

“Hold on… What’s the catch?” Demyx asked. “I’m not going to have to kill a guy or anything, right?”

Slaying Heartless was one thing, but outright murder was… well, that was worth _six_ weeks off, at the very least. 

“No. It is a relatively simple task. That envelope contains a list of items that I would like for you to procure on my behalf – sooner rather than later. Due to the nature of said items, I am unable to obtain them for myself, but you should encounter no such difficulty. …I don’t anticipate that you will, at the very least.”

What the hell was that supposed to mean? Saïx had legs, didn’t he? His dark corridors were just as accurate as anyone else’s. Why in the world did he need someone to do his grocery shopping for him? Demyx didn’t question it for long. Three weeks off as a reward for a quick and easy mission. He was just the right man for the job.

“So, is this shopping for the Organization, then? Because the way you’re talking about it, it’s starting to sound a bit like it’s just _your_ shopping. You know what I mean?” he joked. He hadn’t truly been expecting an answer, but Saïx looked up at him, as stone-faced as ever. “I’m not just picking up your dry cleaning or something, am I?”

“Not quite… though it is a personal request. Consider it a favor that I will not soon forget. I understand that we are not the closest of allies, Nine, but I cannot entrust this task to any other, at the moment.” 

“You sure ‘bout that? If you were looking for an errand boy, you could’ve asked Luxord.” Demyx shrugged, leaning his chair back as far as it would go. A muscle twitched below Saix’s eye. He was probably afraid he’d scratch his precious floors. “He’s your friend, isn’t he? At least kind of?”

Luxord had taught Saïx how to play mahjong, and, apart from Xemnas, he was the only alpha in the Organization who was brave and shameless enough to buy him a gift for his birthday every year. 

“Regardless of what he imagines himself to be, the fact remains that he would not approve of what I intend to do,” Saïx replied, low and quiet. “I cannot ask this of him. As for the others…” His voice trailed off. He glanced at the corner of his little desk calendar, biding time. Saïx never did speak carelessly – which was one of his better traits, in truth. One of the few that Demyx admired.

“I get it. I’m your last resort.”

“…You are.”

It wasn’t a surprise that X-Face didn’t want to rely on the others for a personal request. Xigbar always teased him. Even if it was all in good fun, and Saïx never complained, Demyx didn’t doubt that he held some festering resentment. 

For his own, personal reasons, Xaldin just plain hated him. Xaldin was a classic meathead alpha, and it always drove him insane, having to take orders from a “lowly, pathetic omega.” Even if that omega was about twice as smart as he was.

…And Demyx had only considered Axel as an option for a split-second before remembering that, for as long as he could remember, those two had always held some grudge against each other. Saïx sure knew how to burn his bridges. 

In a vain effort to lighten the mood, Demyx put on his brightest smile, laughing. 

“Last resort or not, though, you must be pretty damn desperate, if you’re coming to me for help.”

“I suppose that you could call it that,” Saïx admitted, much to his surprise. The vulnerability in his voice caught him off guard, holding his curiosity despite his growing sense of dread. “I have been delaying the inevitable for far too long. I have to put an end to this before it gets out of hand.”

“…What are you talking about? Are you in trouble or something?” he asked, feeling bile rise up in the pit of his stomach.

“Open the envelope, and everything should be made apparent to you rather quickly. Do remember, however, that I expect your discretion.”

Fueled by a sickening, morbid curiosity, Demyx tore open that letter and took a glance at Saïx’s swirling cursive. Elegant, old-fashioned penmanship stared back at him from the page, more art than ordinary writing. Even when squinting, Demyx could just barely make out the letters, though he certainly wished that he hadn’t. There were only two items on that list, thought the both of them hit him with the force and sudden surprise of bullets in the back. 

Mifepristone and misoprostol. 

Demyx wasn’t a pharmacist – he hadn’t even passed high school chemistry – but there wasn’t an alpha above the age of eighteen that didn’t know what those drugs were for and what it meant when an omega requested them. For a long, lingering moment, Demyx sat paralyzed, listening to the steady rhythm of Saïx’s grandfather clock. Casting a careful glance at the man across from him, he watched as, silently, Saïx picked at the corner of his hangnail. 

“So… when did you find out?” Demyx asked, if only because he had to say something, anything, to break the heavy silence.

“I’ve known for quite a while, now.”

Right – Saïx had said that he’d been “putting it off,” so he wouldn’t have to deal with it and everything it meant. Even still, that was such a roundabout answer. Demyx was starting to get the strangest feeling that the omega wasn’t particularly eager to talk.

“Do you know who the dad is?” It was an awkward question that he regretted asking almost as soon as the words left his mouth. 

Faced with that kind of armor piercing question, Saïx went still and silent for what seemed like ages. When he finally answered, it was with a surprising honesty that Demyx hadn’t been expecting from an omega like him. 

“Yes. I do.” 

“Well, whoever they are, do they know about the pup? I mean, you should really be asking for them to help you with this instead of me.”

“I know,” Saïx admitted. Even when he tried so hard to maintain his composure, there was a sense of hopelessness engulfing him. “And… I do apologize, Number IX, for pushing this burden upon you. It is neither fair nor just, but I would like you to know that this is not a decision that I have made lightly. The father –” He shook his head, changing his wording mid-sentence. “The alpha who has contributed to the creation of this pup is not aware of its existence. Nor do I intend to inform him of it.” 

He was so tempted to just throw that paper back onto Saïx’s desk and walk right out the door – but as much as old X-Face annoyed him with his constant nagging and his stupid paperwork, Demyx wasn’t so low down and dirty that he wouldn’t hear him out when it came to something as serious as an unwanted pup. The only thought in his mind more pressing than just who the father could possibly be was why in the world they couldn’t be trusted with Saïx’s lethal shopping list. There must have been bad blood between them. He wasn’t entirely surprised, considering the fact that this anonymous alpha had refused to take Saïx as his mate, even after knotting him. 

By all means, it wasn’t like Demyx couldn’t understand. He wouldn’t have been particularly eager to bind himself to X-Face, either, but he liked to think that he wasn’t such an asshole that he could fuck an omega and give them the wrong idea about their relationship in the first place.

Demyx coughed into his fist, clearing his throat – and stalling for time while his mind caught up with him.

“I know this probably isn’t my business, but I think you’re making a big mistake by not telling this alpha of yours.” 

“You’re right: it isn’t your place to comment.” 

Stubborn little –

“Whatever. It’s your life, man,” he mumbled, lifting his hands in surrender. He worried at his lower lip and considered his options. “…You’re lucky I’m in a good mood, today.”

Sighing, Demyx ran his hand through his mohawk before digging around in his pockets for the old ID that he would need in order to purchase the medicine – if he didn’t want to rob a pharmacy to get it, anyway. There was no need to cause that kind of trouble. Though his ID was expired, he could renew it easily enough with nothing more than a photograph and a blood test for the alpha antigen. 

“Fortunate, indeed,” Saïx remarked with a subtle smile. Relief washed over his features, and though that cranky old omega never actually said the words, Demyx could hear the gratitude ringing clearly in his voice. He never thought he’d live to see the day. “I appreciate your hard work as always, Nine – and your discretion, as promised.”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone about the pup.” He could be just as big of a blabbermouth as Xigbar, but even he knew that there was something particularly nasty about betraying an omega’s confidence when it came to something so serious. Demyx never considered himself as a chivalrous kind of alpha, but he wasn’t an awful, dirty bastard, either. “So you can relax a little. Okay? I’ll be back by dinner.” 

“I eagerly await your return.”

Reaching out his hand into the darkness of the room, Demyx opened a corridor to Twilight Town. Before he stepped through it, however, he looked back at Saïx, who was glancing at another stack of paperwork, trying to put on a veneer of calm and normalcy even when he was clearly panicking. 

He was still picking at that hangnail.

For the first time since they’d met, Saïx looked less like a murderous sociopath and more like a normal omega. Maybe he’d misjudged him, if only that once. Gather his courage, Demyx sauntered back to Saïx’s desk and scooped up a few items from the cheese plate.

He’d definitely have to try the figs. 

____________________________________

“What is this thing?” Isa asked, as he waved his ice cream bar like a magic wand. His soft, blue eyes, filled with a pure and innocent wonder, traced its path with intense focus, as though he were waiting for the moment that it would sprout wings and fly away. 

“What do you think? It’s ice cream!” Lea answered with an incredulous laugh. It always amazed him how little Isa knew about the world. “Don’t tell me you’ve never had ice cream before.”

“Well, no… but I’ve heard about it!” he giggled, trying to hide his embarrassment. “This stuff just doesn’t look like any of the pictures I’ve ever seen. That’s all. In the books back in the Academy, ice cream never looked all blocky like this.”

Lea glanced back at him and smiled, warm and endlessly fond. Isa’s innocence charmed him more than any magic spell or fairytale ever could. It was funny, in a way. Isa had a vague understanding about a lot of different things: stuff that Lea hadn’t even heard about, like how a banana was actually a berry, but a strawberry wasn’t. Or how babies weren’t delivered by storks but were actually made by people – even if Isa wouldn’t tell him the details. His omega was the smartest kid he knew, but it was almost like Isa couldn’t apply any of his extensive knowledge to real world scenarios. 

Like there was a disconnect between what Isa knew and what actually _was_. 

He’d read about frogs in an encyclopedia; he could tell him all about how they lived, and how they grew up from tadpoles. But when he saw a frog in real life, he hadn’t been able to recognize it. Isa knew a lot about strawberries, and he knew about fifty different recipes that included them, but he’d never actually tasted one. Strangely enough, Isa hadn’t liked it. The flavor, especially the sweetness, was too intense for him. After eight years of protein shakes and nutrient bars, he just wasn’t used to eating real, good food. 

For a kid who knew so much about life, Isa really hadn’t done a lot of living. 

Maybe it was because of that, however, that the time they spent together was so very precious. Lea hadn’t been so happy since his mother was around. Living with Isa was an unbelievable adventure, filled with exploration and discovery. Living vicariously through his omega, every day felt fun. Everything was new. Lea had been there to witness so many firsts: Isa’s first game of checkers and his first sip of soda. The first time he’d ever been hugged. 

Nothing was quite as fun and simultaneously quite as tedious, however, as teaching Isa how to play pretend. He couldn’t seem to understand that a stick could be a pirate sword if he wanted it to be, or that a frisbee and some paint could act as a fireball. It was the strangest thing to see – a kid with no imagination, as though the Academy had drained the creativity right out of him. 

That fact was made apparent in more than just the games they played. Isa was the best cook he’d ever met. He knew over a thousand recipes, but when Lea had asked him to come up with something special, something original, just for him, Isa hadn’t been able to do it. He didn’t understand flavor profiles: what worked well together and what didn’t. He only knew how to follow the instructions that the wardens had given him. Even when it came to something with which he was intimately familiar, Isa never thought for himself. Not once in eight years.

“Are you sure this is ice cream?” Isa asked, tilting his head to look at it from another angle. “This isn’t anything like the wardens said it was.” 

“Well, the Academy was wrong about that, too. There’s lots of different kinds of ice cream. There’s snow cones, push pops, soft serve – but sea salt ice cream is my favorite.” Lea explained. 

He didn’t often have the patience to play the role of a mentor, but when it came to Isa, he was willing to make an exception. Perhaps it was the boy’s enthusiasm for learning or his vivaciousness which inspired him. It reminded Lea of planting roses in the garden with his mother: watching them sprout and blossom under his attention. He’d wanted to nurture Isa’s growth the same way he’d cared for those flowers, so long ago. 

Mimicking Lea’s motions, Isa took a bite out of his ice cream bar. 

Watching his face contort in disgust, wrinkling up like an old man’s, was almost worth the cost of a wasted ice cream. Lea’s face turned a bright and vivid pink from the force of holding back the hardest laughter he’d ever had. 

“Oh! It really is salty,” Isa commented with a quiet, gentle laugh that made butterflies dance in the pit of his stomach. “I-It’s good, though! It’s… really good.”

Lea could tell, from that nervous chuckle, that Isa was lying straight through his teeth. As his omega, he wasn’t supposed to disagree with any of Lea’s beliefs, from something as important as religion to something as stupid as favorite foods. 

“Didn’t I say that you don’t always have to agree with me?” he scolded.

“Sorry… I still have to get used to speaking my mind, I guess,” Isa replied with an awkward, lopsided smile. “I know I’m not in the Academy anymore. I know you won’t hit me, but it still scares me a little when I think about saying something that I know you won’t like. I can’t help it.”

Guilt crept over him, causing goosebumps to rise on his skin. 

“Is that because I used to hurt you when I first picked you up from the Academy?” He’d already apologized a thousand times over, but the weight of his karma, never got any lighter.

“No,” Isa reassured him. “To be honest, I’d always expected my alpha to hit me, at least a little bit. It was only ever a question of how hard and how often. And what would set him off. Little things like that, that I’d just have to learn. You know?”

Frankly, he didn’t. Lea knew from experience, however, that sometimes, it was better not to pry for details when it came to Isa’s Academy life. Some of it was just so sickening that he could feel the bile rise in his throat just from imagining it: the mental picture of Isa, with missing fingernails and bloody feet. Maybe they could talk a little bit more openly about the Academy when they were bigger, and they were both better prepared to face the horrors of the past. 

“So, the fact that you don’t beat me, now…” Isa continued, unable to repress his growing smile. “It means a lot to me. Thank you for that, Lea. I’m really, very lucky.”

“You don’t have to thank me. It’s not like I’m doing you a favor. You shouldn’t ever have to be friends with someone who hits you,” Lea grumbled, sulking. Even when he’d given him permission to cry and get angry, Isa was always so nonchalant when it came to the concept of pain and punishments. None of the Academy’s wrongdoings, no matter how heinous, ever seemed to bother him. “Remember that, okay?” Lea insisted. “If anyone ever picks on you, don’t just stand there and take it. Come find me, and I’ll teach them a lesson.”

For some reason, Isa seemed incredibly pleased about that prospect. His eyes lit up, bright and beautiful. 

“Really? Oh, Lea, that’s every omega’s dream!” he chirped, clapping his little hands together from the excitement of it all. “Would you really fight for me?” 

“Y-Yeah. Yeah, I guess I would!” he declared, emboldened by his omega’s confidence. Puffing out his chest and standing tall, Lea had gotten his first taste of maturity. Shaking off the remnants of his mother’s nest, he would become an alpha worthy of Isa’s trust. “I’ll protect you! You can count on me.” 

Isa looked back at him with a smile as soft as the moonlight. There was a sincerity of affection, there, that he hadn’t seen his mother passed. 

“Careful, Lea. I’ll hold you to that promise,” he said, at last, still glowing from excitement. “Maybe I’ll start picking fights, just so you can practice defending me. We can start with pups our age and then work up to big kids and maybe even grown-ups.”

“Wait a second! I-I can’t beat up a grown up!” 

He realized, with embarrassment, that Isa had only been teasing him. His little omega burst into laughter, soft and light as leaves on the wind. It was the first joke he’d ever made – and Lea sincerely hoped that it wouldn’t be the last. As they walked through the park together, Lea didn’t struggle when Isa reached for his hand, squeezing tight.

“Thanks, Lea. For everything,” he said, leaning up against him. “You make me feel like…” Embarrassed, Isa’s voice trailed off into a quiet chuckle. 

“Like what?” Lea asked, searching for more.

“Like I have a heart. Like I’m alive. That’s all.”

Lea turned to him, then, blinking back in disbelief. 

“You… don’t think you’re alive? What, do you think this is all a dream, and you’re actually just a brain in a jar in some mad scientist’s lab or something?”

Isa’s laughter rang like windchimes and wedding bells.

“Not exactly. I know for sure that I’m not something ridiculous like a brain in a jar, but… I’ve been having these weird thoughts lately. …Actually, I’ve been having them for a very long while, now,” Isa admitted, kicking his velcro shoes through the dandelions, blowing up little clouds of floating, white fluff. “I know that this world and all of the alphas on it are real, but sometimes, if I really think about, I start to feel as though I’m… not. There are times when I’ll look down at my hands, and I’ll get this feeling of foreignness – unfamiliarity and _wrongness_ – that spreads from my fingers and creeps up my elbows, until it hits my shoulders and spreads to my chest. And I’ll wonder whether this body is really, truly mine. Whether it’s is real, and if I belong it in. Or if I’m just some fake person that the wardens made in a lab somewhere because the world needs more omegas – and nobody wants to be one.” Isa gave him a strange look, then, scrutinizing and shrewd, wise beyond his years. “Hey, Lea, can I ask you a bit of weird question?”

“I-I guess.” 

He was afraid of looking stupid in front of Isa – and he didn’t want to admit that he hadn’t understood a word of what he’d just confided in him.

“What makes someone human?”

“Well, it’s… I don’t know,” Lea chuckled, trying to hide the fact that he felt like an idiot. “Being alive? Having a body? …Having a heart?”

“So, if I got sick and needed a heart transplant, would I be any less of a person?”

“No.”

“What if I got in an accident and the doctors needed to cut off my arm, or my leg, and replace them with robot parts in order to save me? By your theory, how much of my original body can they replace before I’m not considered human anymore? Even if my body is made of metal, if I think I’m human, if I think I’m me, then am I, by virtue of that alone?”

“Isa, I don’t know… This is kind of –”

“It’s okay,” Isa said, cutting him off with a quiet chuckle and a gentle hand, placed on his shoulder. “It was a bit of a hard question, I guess, especially for a pup. Maybe I’ll ask you again when you’re older, and see what your opinion is, then. In the meantime, think about it, okay? I’ll be expecting a really good answer out of you in the future.”

As though they hadn’t been talking about anything more complex than cartoons and picture books, with an innocent and carefree grace, Isa nibbled at his ice cream and walked off through the tall grass. The fields parted for him, swallowing him up. 

Lea shuddered. Whatever it was that made somebody human, he didn’t want to think about it. They were only eight years old. Their only concerns should have been whether they wanted strawberry or chocolate milk with their lunch, or what kind of games they wanted to play before the sun went down. Even if Isa always told him he felt older than his years, that he felt like he’d been alive for centuries, they were both too young to worry themselves sick over the concepts of karma and humanity.

“Want to play hide and seek?” Lea prompted, eager to change the subject, as he joined his friend in the field. 

“Sure, if you want. There are a lot of good places to hide around here.”

“Remember that the woods are off limits, though,” Lea warned. “They’re dangerous.”

“Why’s that?” Isa asked, eyes wide with apprehension. “Are there wolves in there or something?”

“Worse!” Lea replied, spreading out his hands for emphasis. “Those woods lead up to the haunted castle. My mom said that when I was a baby, there were a lot of kidnappings around this area. Pups like us got snatched up all the time. Everyone thought it was those scientists, but nobody ever had any proof.”

“…Kidnappers, huh? I’ll be careful, then, in that case.”

He’d only been teasing. It was just a scary story that his mom used to tell him to stop him from wandering off from the house, but Isa seemed to take it seriously. He hadn’t been afraid of any of the scary movies that they watched together, even the ones that kids weren’t allowed to watch in theaters, and Isa was never afraid of things like noises in the attic or monsters in the closet and under their bed. 

But at the mention of those scientists, there was real, visceral fear in his eyes. 

Lea wondered why that was: why Isa was always more afraid of human beings than monsters.


	4. Chapter 4

It wasn’t the first, and it wouldn’t be the last. 

Two nameless faces had come before it, but there was something different about that pup, in particular, that made the concept of its erasure, its disappearance, just a little bit more difficult to tolerate than all of the others. 

And they were, all of them, intolerable as it was, already. 

There was a certain gravitas to his current set of circumstances, however, that made Saïx hesitate a little while longer than he had for all of the rest. Maybe it was because he’d waited as long as he’d had, and he’d grown attached and made the mistake of naming it. And that had made it real. Or perhaps it was because this time, there was no domineering alpha to pressure him into doing the unthinkable and equally necessary. There was no one left order him to crawl through the barbed wire, and yet Saïx knew he had no choice. 

It was the first pup he’d carried since he’d joined the Organization. He was older and wiser that he’d been since his last, and yet no matter how strong he’d grown, he knew, somehow, that his third child would be the death of him, one way or another. Saïx had understood that fact the very moment he realized that he’d missed two heats in a row. From experience, he knew what that meant and, worse, what it meant he’d have to do. He couldn’t bear to think about it for long. He couldn’t face reality, when it was all so sad. 

The loneliness and the weight of his karma. 

The blood, the death, and the pain. 

What had wounded him most deeply of all, however, more than the fear of missed heats, was the fact that Axel hadn’t bothered to ask about them. Saïx knew that they weren’t mates, and they weren’t quite friends, but he’d expected some concern out of the man, if only out of respect for what they used to be. If only to pay him recompense for everything he’d done and failed to do. Even if Axel had only asked after him because he missed having a warm hole to knot, at least that would have been better than nothing. 

That mere train of thought, alone, was truly, undeniably pathetic. Saïx didn’t need a mob of alphas to brand him with a scarlet letter when he already felt the burning heat of his own degradation. With every passing day, the urge to break down and weep grew more overwhelming. Even when he didn’t have a heart, he still felt that instinctive omegan urge, building up within him: a pressure in his chest, raging against his ribs and clawing at his cartilage. Just as always, however, Saïx held himself together, clinging desperately onto pride and poise.

He wouldn’t have shed a single tear if all the worlds were coming to an end. No, he hadn’t cried since he was fourteen years old, and Lea had slipped that metaphorical knife in his hands and ordered him to tear apart the one good thing that he’d ever created, the one part of his life that still held meaning after Lea had robbed him of everything else. When he had nothing, his pup had given him hope and worth. 

Back then, he hadn’t been too proud to beg – both for his child’s life and for his, in tandem. It was then, however, that Saïx realized that tears would never earn him any pity. They couldn’t buy him love or mercy. On the contrary. Crying only ever made things worse. It served as a stark and solemn reminder of the fact that, in his life, he stood alone. No matter how far he fell, or how pitifully he pleaded, nobody would ever save him from the hell to which he’d been condemned from the start. Not because of what he did or didn’t do… but because of what he was.

And everything that he wasn’t. 

The weight of his karma clung to his ankles like iron fetters, dragging him down into the murky depths. There was no point in waiting for an alpha to come to his rescue. No one would ever come to save someone as wretched as he was. Saïx had learned that ages ago, and that was precisely why he knew that he had no choice but to personally put an end to the mess he’d made, before anyone in the castle could discover what he’d done. 

Desperate to stop him, his little pup had been kicking him for weeks. Pounding from within him. Screaming. With fluid in its lungs, it wailed, speaking to him in nightmares, if not in words. 

Kneeling naked in the strawberry fields, Saïx would watch, paralyzed, night after night, as three nameless faces ran circles around him in the blinding light of the sun. They laughed and they danced, trampling little bare feet, sparkling, painted toes, through the grass. Chubby fingers reached for him, braiding flowers through his hair. 

They had their father’s eyes. His hair and his smile. 

Through Saïx’s nightmares, his child spoke louder than words, as though it were attempting to convince him, in any way it could, that it deserved a chance at life. Desperately, it begged him to reconsider. If only circumstances were different, Saïx knew that he would have. He would have done so gladly. In the Academy, Saïx had never imagined that he would ever be forced to do something so wicked. He’d never thought himself capable of it, and yet there he was, doing it thrice, falling short of all of the expectations and all the lofty standards that he’d set for himself as a boy. 

Smearing mud upon his own morality.

He couldn’t allow himself to weep, and so instead, Saïx sat in silence, in the darkness of his office, and dug his plastic fork into the chocolate cake that Demyx had purchased for him as part of a care package, alongside a stack of towels and the medicine he’d requested. He’d been eating that cake and sipping at moonshine for the past two hours, pointlessly delaying the inevitable. It wouldn’t erase his pressing concerns, but at the very least, it passed the time, and it distracted him from the heinousness of what he had to do.

He’d killed before. He wasn’t as weak as people thought he was, and yet, at the same time, Saïx knew that he wasn’t nearly as strong as he often pretended to be. What tore him apart was not the fact that he was taking a life but the intolerable thought that he was putting an end to one that he had created. That was his pup. His, in a way that even Lea had never been. It would have loved him, he knew, and he wondered, then, with muted horror, whether it wasn’t his pup’s life that he was ending but his own. If he wasn’t killing the only person that would ever deign to love him. 

He grandfather clock chimed midnight, and Saïx shuddered, staring down at the crumbs on his empty cake tray. Another wasted hour. If he didn’t hurry, he wouldn’t be well enough to attend Xemnas’s meeting the next morning – and it didn’t matter whether he’d been knotted, or if he’d fallen ill, or if he’d just murdered his own pup. Saïx never missed an important event. It wasn’t in his work ethic. 

He didn’t want Xemnas to be disappointed in him. 

Even if they weren’t mates, even if they weren’t even proper acquaintances, having an authority figure like Xemnas, an _alpha_ , who would look his way and praise him every now and again, felt good and right on a primal level that Saïx couldn’t quite explain. It stroked his ego in all the right places, affirming his significance. When he’d already lost Lea, he couldn’t fail Xemnas, on top of that. He’d never survive it. 

He couldn’t be late to that meeting. He wouldn’t allow it. 

Like ripping off a bandage, Saïx took a deep, preparing himself, before tearing open the pill package and washing down the medicine with a swig of moonshine. The second pill was meant to be inserted into the birth canal twenty-four hours after the first pill was taken, but he didn’t have the time or the willpower to wait any longer. If he didn’t do it immediately, he knew he never would. He’d lose his nerve and be stuck with a fatherless pup, all alone, for the rest of his life. 

Pushing himself to unsteady feet, Saïx stumbled to his bathroom and prepared himself for the pain. He’d intended to mix medicinal herbs into his bath water to soften the scent of iron, but at the very last moment, he’d stopped himself. Lilac and bergamot would only mask the horror of what he was doing – and he didn’t have the right to shield himself from the gruesome truth. His pup deserved better than that. It deserved to exact its punishment upon him and to make him realize, in no uncertain terms, that it wasn’t some bundle of blossoms and herb, but a living creature made in his image, woven in flesh, and blood, and bone. He would endure it, just as he’d endured everything else. He had no choice but to break his own limits and muster a strength that he knew he didn’t have. 

It was the only way to get through the torture. 

Saïx slipped off his robes and inserted the second pill, before sliding down into the bath. He left the water running, crashing down into the tub with a deafening roar that echoed through his bathroom, carved in pure white marble. He didn’t want to hear himself scream, if it came to that – even when he knew it likely wouldn’t. The Academy had taught him well. A good omega was seen and never heard, even through the most unimaginable punishments. The wardens tore off his fingernails, and he hadn’t made a single sound. Lea had left him behind, all alone, and still, he never cried. 

He could stay silent if he willed it.

The first contractions tore through him like a rusted blade, and Saïx ignored the pain. Shuddering, he squeezed his eyes shut and slid down his bathtub, sinking deeper into the water. He didn’t know what it was – the alcohol, the steam, or the pressure in his gut – but all of it made him feel so intolerably tired. Weariness seeped deep into the marrow of his bones. 

He felt so old.

As though a sword had been driven through his gut, a gush of blood, dark and vivid, bloomed between his legs. Driven by morbid curiosity and nothing short of the vilest self-hatred, Saïx opened his eyes and forced himself to watch as his child’s blood spread throughout the water, staining the porcelain red as spider lilies in the equinox. Though he’d lost the strength to move his arms, Saïx had the strangest urge to run his fingers through the gore and see if long, scarlet hair wouldn’t wind around his fingers, tighter than a hangman’s noose. 

___________________________

Blood ran down Isa’s legs, dripping against the bathroom tile. It slid through the cracks, pooling around his feet and seeping in, warm and thick, between his toes.

Out of misguided kindness or maybe just guilt, Lea had prepared a bath for him. It smelled of lilac and bergamot. Hot tendrils of swirling steam beckoned to him, and yet Isa refused to so much as touch it. Naked and freezing, he shivered, goosebumps rising on his skin. He wouldn’t accept even the smallest of comforts. If he did, surely, there was no way that the primitive, omegan part of his brain would be able to stop that instinctive rush of gratitude towards Lea. If only for a moment, he would let go of his grudges and forget all about the fact that it was Lea who had condemned to such a terrible fate in the first place. Instinct would not be permitted to overwhelm his grief and his festering malice. Isa wouldn’t let it, even if it killed him. 

He would drown himself in bitterness first.

Adding fuel to the fire, fanning the flames, he would stand, and endure, and allow himself no respite. Even after the pup was lost, there would be no rest for him. As the sole omega in the house, he would have no choice but to clean up the mess he’d made, himself, and to see, firsthand, the depth of his own wretchedness. 

Strengthened by his own sense of righteous anger, Isa stood before the bathroom mirror and stared back at his reflection, expressionless. Something inside of him was dying. Though he had four years left on his timeline to earn Lea’s mating mark and prove to the wardens that he was worthy of the gift of life, in truth, Isa had begun to question the validity of that statement, himself. The longer he stood on that blood-soaked tile, the more he began to feel as though everything good and innocent in him was bleeding away, right alongside what remained of his pup. 

He could have lost himself in those spiraling thoughts, when instead, serving as his saving grace, there suddenly came a knock on the door.

“Hey, Isa?” It was Lea’s voice, drowned out by the ringing in his ears and the throbbing, relentless pressure of his own pulse. “Is everything okay? You know… with the pills and everything? You’ve been in there for a really long time. Are you hurt? Do you need help?”

Oh, he needed help, and he needed it desperately. He could feel his composure splintering with every passing second. Something thick and viscous splattered against the tile with resounding finality. Though he could feel the force of his screams building up within him, Isa choked them back and didn’t make a single sound.

“No. There’s nothing you can do for me, now, anyway,” he answered.

“Sure there is. I can get you towels and medicine, or water, if you need it.”

“The only thing that I need, Lea, is a mate.”

For a long time afterwards, Lea went silent. Not a single peep crept from behind that door. It was so quiet that Isa had almost begun to believe that Lea had given up and walked away, perhaps to spend time with the new, exciting friends that he’d made in high school. Together, Lea and his new, little gaggle of misfits could attend asinine club meetings, wasting lazy afternoons on vapid conversation and childish games. But there was no place for an omega on a baseball team or a band of teenage rock musicians. Seemingly overnight, Isa had gone from being Lea’s most precious treasure to being nothing more than a nag and a nuisance. No matter what Lea said to the contrary, Isa knew that those were the reasons why he hadn’t mated him. 

Lea thought that thought he was joyless and boring. He was more attracted to busty, blond alphas than he was to his own omega. He’d said it before when they’d first met. From the very beginning, his alpha had wanted a girl. Lea would never admit it, but Isa wasn’t as stupid as everybody though he was. 

“…We’ll figure something out before you turn eighteen. Okay?” Lea stuttered, losing his composure as he finally broke the silence. “I won’t let the wardens kill you.”

“Why not?” Isa scoffed, knowing full well that the question would sting. In more ways than one, Lea’s rejection had turned him cruel. He’d stopped smiling. He never laughed anymore. By all means, his joy hadn’t always been sincere, but now, Isa couldn’t even bring himself to pretend. “Let them do with me what they will. I don’t mean anything to you, anyway.”

“That’s not true,” Lea sighed, attempting to convince him of the same point for what must have been the thousand time. “You’re still my best friend. You always will be. It’s just… I don’t know if I’m ready to have a mate. We’re still just kids, you know? I don’t want to take care of a pup.” 

That was what he always said: that they were just kids. But Isa didn’t feel like a child. In truth, he wasn’t certain whether he ever had. The Academy had treated him like a grown man, like a prisoner, since he was barely old enough to speak. From the very beginning, he’d always been expendable. With all of the responsibilities and the harsh truths that they’d heaped onto him, he’d grown up quickly and lost his innocence. There was never any playtime for him, neither joy nor leisure. Even after Lea had exposed him to what a normal childhood was all about, Isa never saw the appeal of it. Those puerile games hadn’t amused him when he was nine years old, and they certainly didn’t, now, at fourteen. Why Lea was so attached to his youth, Isa would never know.

“You don’t have to worry about our pup any longer,” he said, slow and steady. “The pills you gave me did their job.”

“For what it’s worth, Isa… I’m sorry. I know you wanted to keep that pup and be a real family, but I’m really not ready for that yet. I’m not ready to stop being a kid. I still want to live my life a little.” He could hear the scrape of Lea’s jacket against the door as he slid down along it, leaning his back against the bathroom door. “Don’t you?”

“I _have_ no life without you,” he snapped, losing his patience. “Don’t you understand that?”

Though it had no vocal cords to speak of, his little pup screamed in its death throes. The contractions shook him like an earthquake. Isa clutched at his abdomen, fighting through the pain on trembling legs that felt as though they could shatter and crumble to dust at any given moment. 

“I’m not like you. You’ve got your friends, and your dad, and a fun, bright future, when all I’ve ever had is _you_ ,” he scoffed, bitter and hateful. “You mean the world to me.”

“Isa –”

“You _are_ my world,” he corrected himself, cutting Lea off at the very last moment. “I’m asking you not to take that from me.”

He’d received another flimsy, tearful apology, after that, and then he heard footsteps running away. Isa didn’t know the details of what Lea had said, when he’d stopped paying attention ages ago. Lea could make all the false promises he wanted. 

That he’d think about it. 

That he loved him – _but not like that_. 

That he’d be ready eventually.

It didn’t matter, when Isa knew the truth: Lea had already made up his mind. It was just matter of coming to terms with it.

___________________________________

For the first night in what felt like centuries, Saïx slept in stillness and silence, granted a moment’s reprieve in the form of oblivion, a dark and dreamless sleep. As though all life and consciousness had bled from his bones, he closed his eyes and sunk into the murky depths of the void. Slowly, he fell, deep into the abyss, into the grasp of the cold and comforting dark. 

His pup had stopped screaming.

Gone were the flowers in his hair. Gone was the childish laughter, like leaves in the wind. He’d forgotten his children’s faces. He’d forgotten the sound of their voices, calling his name. A strange restlessness bubbled up within him at the thought of it. He didn’t know whether to blame it on excitement or grief. Neither fit the circumstances, either way. It didn’t feel appropriate to celebrate, and yet Saïx knew that he hardly had the right to mourn. All he could do, now, was pray – though for what, he didn’t know. 

Perhaps it didn’t matter. 

His voice never reached the gods, anyway. That privilege was for alphas alone, and perhaps that was why the gods sent him back to the waking world despite the peace he’d found in oblivion. Saïx would have been content to float in the endless dark until even the sun and stars went dim, but, as merciless as ever, the gods didn’t permit him to stay for long. From somewhere far, far away, a familiar voice called out to him, tugging at the chains of his spirit’s memory. It roused him from his slumber, even when he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out the noise. He couldn’t fight it. Sturdy arms reached down and wrapped around his body, dragging him up through the murky depths. He struggled against his awakening, and yet the pressure was relentless, pulling him higher, so close to the sun. The heat bore down on him, merciless, melting the skin and tendon from his bones. It fell in rivulets.

He’d wanted to rest in the darkness for just a while longer.

Resisting the pull of the waking world, Saïx tossed and turned in the nest of blankets swallowing him up. Desperate to shield himself from the light, he pulled the sheets over his head – and realized, then, that the bedding, the pillows, the _room_ , bore a foreign alpha’s scent. 

He wasn’t in his personal chambers any longer. 

Even while teetering on the brink of unconsciousness, Saïx knew what that meant, and he understood the danger that it posed. The wardens had warned him of it when he was a boy. The Academy’s gates and guard towers, their concrete walls, were never designed to trap omegas inside. They were made, instead, to keep the nightmares out – not revenants and wendigos from ghost stories whispered in the dark, but real, living monsters, _men_ , whose wickedness knew no bounds. 

There were alphas out there who were bitter about their lot in life, angry that they weren’t fortunate enough to be granted an omega of their very own – and who therefore felt entitled to steal one. Academy omegas weren’t typically permitted to read anything other than textbooks, and yet every now and again, the wardens would bring in newspaper clippings: stories of runaways, raped and dismembered. Corpses, left to rot in the blazing sun. Kidnapped omegan children, buried alive after months of torture and captivity. 

For an omega, there was no place more dangerous than a foreign alpha’s den.

He had to wake up. If he wanted to live, he had to wake up. His limbs felt like lead and molten gold, and yet Saïx struggled against the weight of his inertia, forcing himself to pry open his eyes. Still weary from his trying ordeal, he could just barely put the pieces of his consciousness together. His world spun, a blurry mess of spinning shape and color, until slowly, the fragments congealed and took form. The top of an unfamiliar canopy bed consumed his field of vision. Blankets and down-feather duvets slid against his skin – and it was then that Saïx realized he was naked. Mere moments before the panic set in, however, he heard a gentle hum, innocent and curious, echo from his bedside. 

“Ah, so you live, after all.” 

He’d heard that voice before, reciting in grandiose speeches, barking out orders, confident and bold, booming with the force of natural authority. It was a voice, stern and proud, that could never be pleased. That it was, at least, at any other moment. Never before did that voice sound so soft. Never did anybody speak so softly to _him_.

There was a gentle touch against his forehead – the back of a hand, checking his temperature. Saïx turned his head, following the sound of that voice. It was a strange, unexpected comfort, like standing still in cool, spring rain, to find Xemnas, sitting at his bedside. He was as expressionless as always, but there was a kindness in his eyes that he’d never seen before in the past. Shimmering gold, like waves of barley in autumn. Mesmerized by the warmth of their color, the brightest shade of sun, Saïx stared into those eyes, unblinking. 

And it was the most incomprehensible feeling. He was both dreadfully relieved and unspeakably disappointed that the man at his side wasn’t Axel.

“And your fever has broken, of top of even that. What a splendid turn of events,” Xemnas remarked, as he brushed away a long, stray lock of hair from his forehead. “And what a relief. If I may be earnest, I had begun to fear that my efforts to save you were made in vain.”

“To save me from… what?” Saïx asked, his voice, trembling and weak. He must have been screaming; he could still feel the strain in his throat. “I don’t understand.”

“Perhaps that is for the best.” 

“What do you mean? What happened to me? I don’t –”

All at once, like a bursting dam, it came to him: the blood and the pain, the pieces of his pup. Cold dread washed over him like a tidal wave. In a panic, Saïx tried to pull down the blankets and look at his body, only for Xemnas to stop him with a firm hand, a commanding presence, weighing down upon his chest. 

“When I found you last evening, you were teetering on the brink of death,” Xemnas explained in soft, steady monotone, anchoring him down to reality just as strongly as the weight of his touch. “You had lost a great deal of blood, Seven. You were hypotensive. Nonresponsive. You were very fortunate that you left your bath water running – and that I saw the blood, leaking from the ceiling tiles below your office. It pains me to imagine what terrible fate would have befallen you, if I hadn’t noticed it. I suspect that if I had arrived a mere five minutes later, that there would have been nothing left that I could do for you. Nothing, save, perhaps, but to sit by your side and keep you company while you passed. What a terrible fate it would have been, to be buried alongside your child in a world as empty as this.”

Saïx’s eyes widened in horror. Xemnas had seen him with the child. Reduced to nothing more than the shameful image of a broodmare, would he lose his position in the Organization? Would Xemnas strip him of his rank and honors? Dread shot through him like an arrow. He should have asked for more details about what would happen to his job. He should have pleaded his case and testified that he was still fully capable of serving the needs of the Organization, and yet when he opened his mouth to speak, Saïx found that his primary concern surrounded something else, entirely.

He couldn’t help it. Running on nothing more than hormones, pain, and instinct, he didn’t care about his job nearly as much as he cared about – 

“Where is it?” 

“Are you asking after the pup?” Xemnas asked, as though he could ever possibly be speaking of anything else. “I hid its remains in my personal laboratory, in the event that you would like to bid it a final farewell before we put it, and this matter, to rest, once and for all. We, as Nobodies, stand above the realm of petty sentimentality. We must release our earthly desires in order to reach our full potential… and yet I cannot deny that there exists no stronger bond than the one which ties a mother to its pup. Thus, I will agree to overlook a momentary breach of conduct on your part, if you would so desire it.”

He hadn’t been expecting such a kindness from him. Fearful that Xemnas would be able to discern some weakness in his expression, Saïx looked away, hiding his face. Shameful tears welled up in his eyes, but just as always, Saïx held himself together with fraying seams and shoddy patchwork. It grew just a little bit weaker, just a little harder to maintain, with every passing year and every bullet he endured in silence. He held his breath and maintained his composure. His jaw trembled from the effort. 

“That… won’t be necessary,” he stammered, forcing out the words in cold, uncaring hisses, even when he would have given anything to see his child’s face. 

To know whether it had soft, red hair, just like its father. 

“Oh? I understand that you were the one who chose to put an end to the child, but you are still its mother. Have you truly no attachment to the child?”

“No,” he lied, straight through his teeth. “I don’t.”

“I see.” Xemnas folded his hands in his lap and looked at him, his head, tilted in quiet curiosity. “In that event, I will dispose of its remains posthaste. Pray tell, Seven, would you prefer a cremation or a burial?”

“I’d much prefer a burial,” he answered, almost by reflex. 

Xemnas’s eyes narrowed, shrewd and clever. A sly smirk tugged at the corners at his lips. He’d caught him in a lie – and Saïx knew it just as well as he did. A cremation or a burial… An omega as cold as Saïx often pretended to be, a mother with no attachment to its pup, wouldn’t have cared either way. Instead of taunting him for his weakness, however, Xemnas lowered his voice, meant to soothe him. 

“If that what you wish.”

Suffocating in his shame, Saïx released a deep, weary breath that he’d been holding for what felt like centuries. Weak, trembling fingers dug into his blankets. Though he’d wanted nothing more than to tear off the sheets, Saïx lay completely still, grasping for the torn, pitiful shreds of his dignity. From the corner of his eye, he watched as Xemnas sifted through the metal tray of medical supplies on his nightstand. 

“Take this.” Sitting at his bedside, Xemnas offered him little plastic cup containing a single pill. “It is an antibiotic,” he explained. “I did what I could to sterilize my equipment prior to the operation, but, considering the severity of your condition, I did not have the time to be as thorough as I would have liked.”

“What operation?” Saïx asked. A sinking feeling welled up in the pit of his stomach. His entire body tensed. As he shifted, he noticed the wetness beneath his legs, and he knew without looking that it was blood. 

“In standard practice, the use of mifepristone and misoprostol are not commonly recommended beyond the first trimester. In order to prevent further hemorrhage, I had no other option but to intervene surgically. You are fortunate that I succeeded. In truth, I have relatively little prior experience.”

Saïx wondered what that meant and what horrors his old friend in Radiant Garden, along with all of the omegas caged with her, must have endured. The implications were heinous, he should have been disgusted, and yet, when he was so weak and so damned tired, Saïx couldn’t bear to think of it, much less to question the hand that fed him.

“Now then,” Xemnas continued, offering him the cup once more. “Take the medication, Seven.”

There was a gentle yet commanding authority in Xemnas’s voice, a tone so classically “alpha,” that made obedience seem like the natural option. In a way, it almost felt… _right_. Without any further protest, Saïx obeyed, swallowing the pill and allowing Xemnas to throw away the cup and tend to him in other means. He fluffed his pillows and wiped the sweat from his brow, just like a proper mate. Xemnas’s quiet dignity left him with a strange, pleasant warmth in the pit of his chest. It was a fond familiarity.

“Well done.” Reciting gentle words of praise, Xemnas carded his fingers through his hair. It made Saïx feel just as precious as he did when he twelve years old and still naïve enough to believe that a happy future with Lea awaited him. Subconsciously, he leaned into Xemnas’s touch, urging him to stay just a little while longer. 

…But he pulled away, all the same. 

Saïx hadn’t expected anything different, and yet the rejection stung, regardless. He’d gotten his hopes up, and he’d been punished for it. It was nothing less than he deserved.

As though Xemnas understood just a fraction of the torment plaguing him, he turned back and looked at him, waiting. Watching. With an odd expression, lost between curiosity and pensiveness, Xemnas glanced over the shape of his naked body beneath the nest of blankets. Starting at Saïx’s toes, his gaze traveled upwards, lingering on his hips before their eyes met, gold upon molten gold. Saïx wondered, then, what Xemnas must have been thinking, at that moment. Was he eliminating suspects on the unwritten list of potential fathers? Was he imagining his quiet, dignified lieutenant with his head down and his ass in the air, begging for cock in the midst of his heats? Xemnas must have thought he was an easy lay – Saïx, himself, certainly would have, in his position. He was dirty and immoral, not only for having lain with an alpha for casual sex, but for daring to circumvent the consequences of his actions by putting an end to the pup he’d created.

Bones of his bones and flesh of his flesh, washed down the sewer pipes.

Xemnas’s unwavering gaze, that curious, silently accusatory stare, was _breaking_ him.

“I had my reasons for doing what I did,” Saïx testified, pulling up his shields, unprompted. His quivering voice died out in the wide expanse of Xemnas’s bed chamber. The gods would accept no excuses, and likely, neither would his Superior, but Saïx had to explain himself, if only to salvage what little remained of his pride. He’d expected an argument or perhaps only silence, unflinching and cold, but to his surprise, Xemnas reached for him, carding his fingers through his hair. 

“Of that, I have no doubt.” Met with unexpected and intolerable kindness, Saïx’s mask cracked, perfect porcelain, chipping away. “You were faced with a harrowing ordeal. I will not condemn you for what you had to do in order to overcome it.”

…It _was_ an ordeal. 

It had been so difficult, and yet in some ways, even the worst of the pain wasn’t quite as miserable as having Xemnas acknowledge that his trials had wounded him. It was true. It was so painfully true. With his Superior’s words still ringing in his ears, Saïx could feel his throat constricting with the force of a quiet sob that he would never allow to break free and take form.

“It is only the latest ordeal of many more to come, I’m sure,” he mumbled, instead, if only to mask his own, growing feelings of vulnerability. He ran the back of his hand over his forehead, drenched with sweat. 

“Oh? Why do you say that?” Xemnas asked, stroking his thumb along the side of Saïx’s hand. “Have you not earned a moment’s respite?”

“Any catharsis granted to me never lasts for long,” he replied with a tired, weary sigh, only half joking and morbidly so. “The weight of my karma won’t permit it.” 

It was only an excuse, really. 

In truth, Saïx was never particularly spiritual. During his human life in Radiant Garden, he never went to the temple. He never prayed, and yet, he had always believed in karma, all the same. It suited him, when it added a modicum of reason to the madness of his life. It was easier to believe that fate was, in some way, predetermined, and that his suffering was merely a well-deserved part of his current life’s script than to ever consider the possibility that he was simply… unlucky. That everything he had ever endured was random and pointless, adding up to absolutely nothing in the end. 

He couldn’t tolerate that. It was far too cruel a potential reality. His pain and his grief had to mean something. 

“An omega’s inherent karmic debt… what a peculiar concept,” Xemnas remarked, humming to himself, low and pensive. “I never believed in the scriptures, myself.” 

“I didn’t imagine that you would,” Saïx replied, looking up at him in quiet admiration. Even knowing the monster that he likely was, Saïx had to admit that Xemnas acted less like a man and more like a proper god, at times. He glowed with the touch of divinity, his motives unknown and his wisdom, infallible. A man who shone as brightly as Xemnas could never hope to be bound by something as contrived and intangible as karma. “You are the Superior of Organization XIII. You make your own fate. In a way, I’ve always admired that.”

In response to the praise, a gentle smile, barely there, tugged at the corners of Xemnas’s lips. It was so unexpected, so subtle, that if Saïx hadn’t known him so well, he wouldn’t ever have noticed the change in his expression. It was… beautiful. Nothing at all like the tense, tight-lipped smirk that he wore when addressing their group as a whole, calling them “friends” in an empty voice, devoid of joy. Xemnas’s smile, at that moment, just for him, was as comely and dignified as the man himself. In the right light and at just the right angle, Saïx could have sworn that it was kind. 

“I am not nearly as infallible as you seem to presume,” Xemnas chuckled, brushing off the compliment. His smile grew, regardless, crinkling the corners of his golden eyes. “Perhaps I may be, shall we say, closer to metaphorical enlightenment than some of our simpler peers, but I am still only a man – and only ever an alpha. As such, I remain prone, in some ways, to an alpha’s intrinsic vulnerabilities.” 

“What do you mean by that?” Saïx asked, knowing that he was overstepping his bounds. One did not simply ask The Superior to reveal his hidden weaknesses, and yet, as he looked up into those warm, golden eyes, Saïx saw a trace of genuine fondness reflected in their shadows.

“What, indeed?” Xemnas asked with a playful, muted chuckle. “I rescued you, did I not? That serves as evidence enough of my weakness. If I may be so bold as to speak freely, Seven, if you were any other man in this castle, dying from self-inflicted wounds, I cannot truly say, with certainty, whether I would have deigned to intervene.” 

Pulling away, if only momentarily, Xemnas began clearing up his medical supplies. Syringes and scalpels were thrown into sharps containers. Bloody towels were folded and stacked into laundry bins. After everything that Xemnas had done for him, Saïx knew that he should have offered to help, but instead, hanging on his Superior’s every word, all he could do was lie there and wait. There was something about Xemnas voice and the lingering memory of that subtle smile that held him spellbound. 

“You wouldn’t have aided Axel, were he in my position?” Saïx asked, wanting, if only to prompt conversation and hear more of that voice for himself. He wanted to bottle it up and keep it close. “If he’d taken those pills, if he were bleeding to death, you wouldn’t have done anything to save him?” 

“No, I cannot say that I would have felt the urgent need to do so,” Xemnas replied with startling sincerity, confirming his theory. Though Saïx knew that such callousness should have reflected poorly on Xemnas as both a leader and a man, Saïx couldn’t help but feel a rush of sickening joy at his admission. It made him feel special, and precious, and important. Xemnas wouldn’t have helped anyone else… but he had helped _him_. “With independence and authority come great responsibility, Seven,” he continued. “An alpha must face the consequences of his own decisions, regardless of their gravity – whereas you, on account of your nature, may still be afforded some degree of leniency. Your mistakes are still worthy of pity. Though I have lost my heart, the sight of a wounded omega still inspires something akin to compassion within me. The ghost of its memory resonates, deeply, within the most primal part of my instinct. …Consider it an alpha’s weakness.” 

Saïx felt a smile tugging at his lips – and for once, he didn’t fight it. As though Xemnas noticed, he took a seat at his bedside and peeked down at him through snowy curtains of long, white hair. 

“Do you find that amusing, Seven?”

“In a way,” he admitted, still smiling. “Here you are, speaking of the mercies afforded to the fairer sex, as though you’ve forgotten what I am.” 

“And what may that be?” Xemnas asked, though for whatever reason, Saïx couldn’t quite say. Surely, he must have known. There were a thousand, obvious names for what he was: a fallen omega, a whore, a slut, a slattern. A karmic demon and a waste of a womb. A traitor to his sex and a monster because of it. 

But what did Xemnas see when he looked at him?

“I am whatever my alpha wishes me to be,” he answered, only half joking and trying, poorly, to be clever. In a way, however, joke or not, he knew that it was true. For Lea, Saïx had pierced his ears and grown out his hair, and for the right alpha, he could do so much more. “I’ve played countless roles in the past. I’ve been a student and a servant. A friend, soldier, and advisor.”

“Though never a mate,” Xemnas said, calling him out like Saïx knew he would.

“…Though never a mate,” he echoed. “Never anything close to it. I fear that I’ve grown rather unaccustomed to chivalry. You are the first alpha in years to speak so openly of it in my presence, much less to treat me to a taste of it.” 

“In truth, I find that startling few omegas are worthy of the effort,” Xemnas replied, as confident as ever. “You are a rare exception.”

“Some would claim that you have poor taste,” Saïx teased, knowing that he was wandering dangerously close to the edge, pushing the boundaries of professionalism. Xemnas was a leader and a guardian – but not a friend. He knew that, and yet Saïx realized, then, that in speaking with Xemnas, he was holding his first casual conversation in what must have been months.

“Perhaps – and yet I would disagree.” A sly, knowing smile spread across Xemnas’s face – the first true display of playfulness that he’d ever seen from the man. His eyes glittered with mischief, constrained only by maturity and poise. “I have worked with quite a few omegas in the past, but never one as charmingly proper as you are. Male omegas, in particular, tend to be rather unconventional, overcompensating for their lack of perceived masculinity through boisterous, aggressive behavior, most uncouth. And yet here you are, perfectly omegan, in both appearance and in spirit.” 

“Does that please you?” Saïx asked, unsure of whether he shouldn’t have been offended by that rather chauvinistic comment. Beneath it all, however, regardless of how he _should_ have felt, a quiet inkling of pride blossomed in his chest. 

What omega didn’t want to feel desired? To feel beautiful and loved? He styled his hair and wore his jewelry just to get Lea to look at him – though, of course, he never did. Not the way he wanted. Knowing that Xemnas recognized his efforts validated him in a way that Saïx hadn’t known he’d needed. 

It felt good just to know that somebody had noticed.

“That it does. It pleases me greatly,” Xemnas answered with glowing, shameless confidence, so typical of an alpha of his status. “I would have come to your rescue regardless of your appearance, of course, but I would always prefer to play the hero to a traditional omega over one who thinks itself an alpha. I imagine that it is a common boyhood fantasy of young alpha pups everywhere –” he chuckled, “to take on the role of the honorable knight straight from the ballades.” 

Xemnas’s laughter, soft and reserved, reverberated through the air with a warmth that melted the frost from his bones. Saïx could have lain there, listening, until the worlds fell apart. For what felt like ages, through the gentle turning of the seasons, neither of them said a single word. Time passed them by in stillness and silence. Xemnas’s golden eyes, trained on his, scrutinizing his features with such intensity, such focus, that it seemed as though Xemnas were searching, in him, for all of life’s answers. 

Soon enough, however, with a lingering sigh, Xemnas pulled away from him, glancing at his clock. 

“Ah, but as much as I long to whittle away the morning with you, Saïx, I fear that I’ve lingered longer than anticipated. I should go. I have a meeting to lead and plans to discuss.”

To his horror, as Xemnas started to walk away, Saïx couldn’t stop himself from reaching for him. After all those years of loneliness and unsatisfying, impersonal knottings with Lea, the intimacy of Xemnas’s gaze and the pleasantries of casual conversation felt like a dream. He wanted to keep him close. He wished that time itself could stop. His fingers curled around The Superior’s wrist. As Xemnas turned back to look at him, Saïx flinched back, knowing that he’d crossed a line. Unspeakable shame flooded through him. He prayed, silently, for a void to open beneath him and swallow him up, and yet instead of scolding him for his misbehavior, Xemnas only smiled.

“Feel free to stay for as long as you’d like,” he offered, stroking his fingers along his knuckles. “Forget your troubles. Rest assured that everything we’ve discussed shall remain confidential, between the two of us. I will send you a summary of the meeting’s contents by the day’s end, so for now, simply rest and put your mind at ease.”

“Thank you, Superior,” Saïx replied, even as he averted his gaze and shifted beneath his blankets. Finally, after an intensive struggle, and only with Xemnas’s help, he managed to sit upright. “I appreciate your discretion and your kindness, both. Know that I won’t impose upon your hospitality for long.”

“I hardly consider it an imposition,” Xemnas retorted. “Yours is always a welcome presence. Even after you’ve made a full recovery, please feel free to return whenever you’d like.”

Saïx didn’t know what to make of that – whether it was a rare, personal gesture of friendship or a generic offer extended to all members of the Organization as a service provided to them by their leader. He sincerely hoped it was the former.

“Would you be extending such a generous offer if I were an alpha?” Saïx asked, eager to solve the mystery. 

Just as always, however he wouldn’t receive a straight answer. Not from a man like Xemnas. Golden eyes narrowed, sharp and cunning, with a thousand mysteries laying in their wake. 

“I will leave that as something for you to ponder in my absence.”


	5. Chapter 5

Saïx smelled of blood and death. That stench, sickening sweet as viscera, melting in the summer sun, permeated through the castle, slipping through the cracks. On his way to retrieve his latest assignment, Axel first caught onto the scent from the stairwell. He was certain that someone had died. A cold sweat ran down his neck at the thought of it, and yet when he pushed open that final door, Saïx was as alive and lifeless as ever, standing proudly. Wearing that same, porcelain mask, morose and taciturn, Saïx looked infallible even when he smelled of rot and iron. It was almost as though nothing in all the worlds could touch him. Axel knew him well, however. He could tell that something terrible had happened to him. Death shrouded him like a funeral veil, clinging to his hair and to every corner of his wrinkled clothes. 

Saïx had missed the group meeting that morning, marking his very first absence in over a decade. 

Despite Axel’s pressing curiosity, he didn’t want to pelt him with questions. He couldn’t risk it, when he knew just how far they’d drifted apart. Instead, he bided his time, lingering in the doorway, waiting for an opportune moment to make his approach. As the others went in and out, collecting their mission folders, still, Axel waited. He knew Saïx well enough to realize that he would never talk in the presence of others. 

Just as always, however, fortune turned against him. It was exactly when he needed a moment of privacy, that he couldn’t seem to get Saïx alone. For some reason that he couldn’t understand, Demyx dithered about in that room for a full twenty minutes. He hadn’t received a mission at all, he had no reason to be near Saïx, and yet there he was, smiling at him. Talking at him. Asking him about how he was feeling and whether he wasn’t overdue for his own vacation, someday soon. 

Axel didn’t know why Demyx was interested in him so much, all of a sudden, when he and Saïx had never so much as shared a simple, friendly conversation with each other. They were hardly even acquaintances, much less friends. Surely, there was something going on between the two of them. He just didn’t know what. When Demyx passed him in the hallway, Axel couldn’t stop his spine from stiffening. He shivered, tense and hostile. Sensing his malice, Demyx forced on a lopsided grin and weakly waved hello. Though Axel knew that he hardly had any claim over Saïx, some fierce, hateful part of him, the _alpha_ part of him, gave him the strangest thought to maul the smile right off Demyx’s face. 

He swallowed thickly around the lump in his throat. Smothering down his urges, Axel waited until Demyx’s footsteps faded from earshot and his raging flames died down to smoke and smoldering embers. From across the room, Saix stared blankly at his clipboard. He wouldn’t even look at him. Gathering his courage, Axel inched forwards making his approach.

“You missed the meeting this morning,” he commented with a casual lilt, feigning nonchalance, as Saïx handed him the manila folder containing the details of his next mission. 

“I was preoccupied with other, more pressing, matters.” 

Saïx’s focused gaze never left that clipboard. When he leaned over to look, Axel saw that it was blank.

“I bet,” he replied, refusing to call attention to it. “Whatever had you so busy, it must’ve been important. You know – since you wouldn’t skip out on a meeting even if the world was falling apart. The walls could be crumbling down, and your ass would still be in that chair.” No reaction. Not even a smile. “I couldn’t believe you’d ruin your perfect attendance like that, but I wasn’t actually _worried_ about you until Demyx started freaking out, ranting and raving. He was convinced that you were dead, for some reason. Even then, honestly, a part of me just thought that maybe he smoked too much weed last night, but now, I’m starting to think that maybe he had a good reason for thinking what he did. I can smell the blood on you. Did something happen?”

For just a split second, Saïx’s eyes went wide – until he schooled his expression back into cold neutrality, poised and dignified. His posture stiffened. He went quiet, gathering his thoughts, even under the oppressive weight of Axel’s scrutiny. 

It was typical, really. 

Every word of his was calculated. Gone was the boy who’d trusted him, who’d told him openly about his hopes and his dreams. Left in Isa’s place was an omega who would, for the most part, barely choose to speak at all.

“Are you hurt?” Axel asked, drawing closer. “Are you sick?”

“No.” Just like that, he’d denied everything, dismissing all of his concerns, with a simple two letter word. “Now then, Number VIII, I highly recommend that you refrain from interfering in the affairs of your peers, for once in your life, and begin paying more attention to your own duties. You’ve been underperforming, as of late. Continue that course, and I will have no choice but to submit a report to The Superior’s office.”

“Go ahead,” Axel challenged, calling his bluff. “I’m not dropping this. You didn’t answer my question.”

“On the contrary. I did. The problem lies only in the fact that you did not appreciate the brevity of my answer. I regret to inform you, however, that I don’t intend to change it. I will provide no further details. As such, I recommend that you forget about this conversation, Eight, and get back to work.”

“How am I supposed to forget something like this? You’re bleeding. You know that you can tell me if something’s bothering you, right?” Ignoring Saïx’s wishes, Axel pressed onwards, leaned in close enough to drop his voice to a whisper, so quiet that no one could ever overhear. “You can trust me. Even if we’re not as close as we used to be, we’re still...” 

What were they? They weren’t mates. They weren’t even promised to each other – not anymore. Now, they were more like strangers than anything else. He took a deep breath, holding it for what felt like ages.

“We’re still friends,” Axel concluded, though, after all the damage they’d done to each other, he was unsure, himself, of the sincerity of that statement. “You can talk to me about anything. I’ll always have your back.” 

That look in Saïx’s eyes – it was like exhaustion and annoyance fell over him in tandem, smothering all the joy in his body. He looked so irritated, as though he’d rather be shipwrecked and alone than safe, in a room, with him, for another passing moment.

“Omegas don’t have any need for friendship,” Saïx stated, expressionless. “I was never an exception.”

“You know that’s not true,” Axel argued, even when he knew the stereotype. Omegas had alphas, nests, and pups, and absolutely nothing and nobody else. “Think back to when we were kids. Don’t you remember? You, me, and her – the bond between the three of us was real. You should know that. The only reason why you’re spitting back the bullshit those Academy wardens fed you, now, is because you’re trying to justify the way you’re isolating yourself. Aren’t you?” 

Saix’s jaw tightened. He didn’t say a single word.

“But just because everyone says that omegas are supposed to be this or that doesn’t make it true,” Axel continued. “Nobody can tell you how to feel. You can have friends, you can want friendship, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it. You can be an exception to the rules.”

“And what purpose will that serve? What’s the point to any of it?” Saïx asked. Ever since Xemnas had taken him under his wing, he was always so cold, blaming his callousness on honor and rationality. 

“It doesn’t have to serve some bigger, grander purpose. You can make friends because they make you happy, or because you’re sick of being lonely, or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone to hear you out when you’re upset. Don’t you want to let people know how you feel, for once?”

“This body is nothing more than an empty vessel. I don’t feel anything,” Saïx retorted. It sounded so natural, like he didn’t even have to think about it. “None of us do. We’re Nobodies; it’s in our nature.”

“Do you really believe that?” he pressed, refusing to back down. “Look at me, and Roxas, and Xion. What we feel for each other is real. Maybe it’s not the exactly the same as the friendship I had with you and her, maybe it’s not as ‘intense,’ or whatever, but it still means something. Hearts or not, they’re my best friends. The best I could have ever hoped for in this life and even the one that came before it. We’re important to each other. Irreplaceable. The love that we have for each other still –”

A flash of bitter anger flashed across his golden eyes, cutting like gangrene and frostbite, broken bones. 

“You’ve… never said that with regards to me,” Saïx interjected, shaking his head. “I served as your omega for eight years, I… I let you _fuck_ me,” he hissed, “and you’ve never said that you held any love for me at all. Not once. I did everything for you, and yet two children, two… _simpering little troglodytes_ , come bumbling into your life, sharing a bit of cheap ice cream on a crumbling tower, and suddenly, they mean the world to you.”

“It’s not like that,” Axel growled, running his hand over his eyes. He wished that he could turn back the clock – that he could just start over. “I was just trying to make a point. ‘Love’ is just a word. Maybe I never said it to you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. That I don’t –” 

Even after all those years, he still couldn’t say it. Love wasn’t just a word, and they both knew it. Saïx’s eyes narrowed; he’d noticed the way Axel hesitated. Whatever little trust he’d had remaining vanished, just like that. Axel realized, at that moment, that he should have been honest from the start.

“Life is just… simpler with Xion and Roxas. With them, every day is fun and easy. When life is as messed up as it always is in the Organization, that friendship really means a lot to me,” Axel explained, rubbing anxiously at the back of his neck, scratching the skin raw. “It’s not that I don’t care about you, too. I always will. It’s just that… things are always so complicated between the two of us, and that makes it hard to be with you, sometimes. You have these expectations for me that I just can’t live up to. You always need more than I can give. There are times when I just can’t put up with the pressure, but just because I don’t want to spend every waking moment with you, just because I can’t say ‘I love you’ doesn’t mean that I don’t care. Maybe it’s not official, but in some way, you’ll always be my omega. It _kills_ me to see you torturing yourself like this. To watch you pulling away when I know you’re lonely. And for what, Isa? To save your pride? To punish me? I know that you’re angry, and that you’re jealous of Xion and Roxas, but –”

The slap across his cheek cracked through the room like a thunderbolt. It echoed with resounding finality and with all the crushing weight of their broken promises. Not once in his life had Axel ever expected Saïx to strike him. 

Attacking their chosen alpha was the gravest sin that any omega could ever commit. 

Though Axel was the one who’d suffered the blow, Saïx was the one who looked pained and horrified, shell-shocked. Like a typical omega, he flinched back in instinctive fear the moment Axel looked back up at him, as though he’d expected the punishment to be returned, tenfold. If Axel were any other alpha, perhaps it would have been. Gods knew omegas got punished with violence more often than not – especially if they dared to fight back. It wasn’t fair. Hospital ICUs were always full of them, bruised and broken, with no one to stand up for them and no one to stop their alphas from dragging them back home once the doctors patched them up. Even after all those years of independence and all their history together, after striking the closest thing he had to a mate, some part of Saïx still expected to end up in a hospital bed, just like all those other battered omegas.

Instead of getting violent, however, Axel remained still, cradling his cheek. He wasn’t about to escalate the situation any further. In the quiet stillness of the room, Saïx’s quivering breaths echoed like bombshells, every bit as lethal. He shivered, clutching at his clipboard like a lifeline. It took him ages to regain his composure, though when he did, he couldn’t quite patch up all the holes in his armor.

“I… apologize,” he muttered, sounding so defeated. “I shouldn’t have resorted to violence. It was barbaric.”

“No, it’s okay,” Axel reassured him, forcing on a sheepish smile. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed your buttons like that. I knew I hit a sore spot, but I wouldn’t back down. I’m sorry.”

For a moment, they stood in silence, the both of them, looking at the floor and the walls – anywhere instead of at each other. It was pathetic. At the very least, Saïx, by nature, had an excuse for his timidity, but Axel had no one to blame but himself. An alpha always took the lead. If anyone had to break the silence in take the first step in healing their relationship, it had to be him. 

“But you know, Isa, there’s really no reason why you have to be –” _Jealous_. “Why you have to… feel the way you do. Even if my social circle’s a little bigger than it used to be, it doesn’t mean there’s not room for you in it. I said you could hang out with us, didn’t I?” He must have extended that offer a hundred times, by then. “I know that you got off on the wrong foot with Xion and Roxas, but they’ll give you a chance if I vouch for you. They’re good kids. They’re a lot like how we used to be. I’m sure you’d like them if you just opened up a little.”

He shook his head. “I have nothing to say to any of you.” 

“What are you trying to accomplish by pushing everyone away?” Axel asked, blocking Saïx’s way when he tried to leave. “Don’t you see that the person you’re hurting the most is yourself?”

“You know nothing about me,” Saïx scoffed, as though the very concept of Axel’s empathy offended him, “much less what is best for me.”

“I know,” he admitted. “At the end of the day, I’m just an alpha, right? And someone as privileged as I was, someone who has everything, can never understand what it’s like to be in the position of a person who has nothing at all.” 

“Because of you, I _am_ nothing,” Saïx corrected, glowering up at him with palpable hatred, as though Axel were a monster. In some ways, perhaps he was. Somehow, his attempts at empathy always backfired. 

Fighting against that thought, resisting the shame and the hopelessness, Axel stood his ground.

“That’s not true. You were never nothing. Not when we were kids, and not now – and I’ll prove it. You asked me, a long time ago, about what it meant to be alive. Do you remember that?” he asked, slowly drawing closer as Saïx stepped back, trying to further the distance between them. “Well, I think that being alive is about having the strength to make the best of the cards you’ve been dealt. It’s about living your life to the fullest. Struggling through the tough times, even when you’re afraid. Gods know you’re capable of that. If anyone thinks they can push you around, you always, _always_ push back harder. You were always worthy of the life you’ve been given. I know you wanted an alpha to convince you of that, but you don’t need one for it to be true. You don’t need someone to help you find your worth. You never did. What does some bite on your neck matter, Isa? What will that change?”

“Everything,” Saïx answered, almost incredulous, like he couldn’t believe Axel would ever ask such an obvious question. “It would change _me_.”

“No, it wouldn’t. Nobody gets to tell you who you are; that’s something you get to decide for yourself. To be honest, I think you do a good enough job of that, already,” Axel argued, with as warm a smile as he could muster, trying his best to win him over. “You know I’ve always liked you – the real you, anyway. You were always a great friend. You don’t need to change yourself, not for me, and not for anybody. And I know other two people who will like you just the way you are, too.” Axel extended his hand, offering it to the omega that was, after all those years, still waiting for him. “Let’s make this right. I’ll reintroduce you to Xion and Roxas, and we’ll start over as friends – all four of us. It’s not too late to build a life for yourself.”

For a moment, Saïx just stood there, staring down at his hand with such hopelessness that it seemed, for a moment, as though what separated them was not a few, polished tiles but an unbridgeable ravine and the threat, the promise, of plummeting down into an endless oblivion. 

“Come on, Isa,” he pouted, practically whining, “don’t make me beg. I miss you. Come back to me, already.”

Axel felt so stupid, waiting for him. A weak, vengeful part of his mind told him to pull back, and yet he only curled his fingers, encouraging Saïx to take his hand. 

And finally, after what felt like ages… he did. 

Axel hadn’t expected it, but there it was: that familiar touch, gliding across his palm. The omega that wasn’t quite his any longer curled his little fingers around him. 

“That’s it,” Axel smiled, giving Saïx’s hand a gentle squeeze. “I knew you wouldn’t let me down.”

Soaking up the praise, Saïx couldn’t hide that little smile, timid yet sincere, embarrassed and intrinsically omegan. It made Axel feel as though he had a heart all over again. For just a split second, seeing that smile for the first time in years, Axel could recall the emotions that he’d felt during his youth: all of the hope and the joy. Back then, Isa had looked so innocent, curled up beside him on the bed that they shared. Perhaps he’d never said it, but Axel had loved him in his own way. Back then, their future had seemed so bright. 

After over ten years of darkness, Axel finally remembered, for just a fleeting moment, how wonderful it felt to stand in the sun. 

And, surely, Saïx must have felt the same way. Perhaps that was why his smile faded, in time, slowly chipping away to reveal that same, hopeless melancholia, before he regained his composure and returned his expression to its usual, stone-cold neutrality. He couldn’t quite describe the sorrow at witnessing it. 

It was like watching a marble statue, an effigy of the gods, crumbling away to dust and ash. 

“What’s wrong?” Axel asked, already knowing the answer. 

“Everything is. This… isn’t what I’d wanted.” Saïx grimaced, visibly disgusted with everything, especially himself, as he pulled his hand away. It took every ounce of Axel’s discipline to avoid grasping for it like a lifeline. 

“I know. And I’m sorry,” Axel admitted, allowing his hand to fall limply to his side. In a way, he didn’t have a right to be disappointed, when he’d already known Saïx’s answer from the start. He was never interested in friendship, especially not with the Xion and Roxas, when he was so intolerably vengeful and so defensive of his wounded pride. It was one of Saïx’s worst qualities – one that he’d developed only after losing his first pup. “I wish that I didn’t have to hurt you like this, but my answer still hasn’t changed. I can’t be your alpha, Saïx. I was just hoping that… maybe my friendship would be enough, and that maybe Xion and Roxas can help pick up the slack.”

It would never be enough, and they both knew it. At the very least, however, offering up his friendship as a consolation prize gave off the illusion of making amends. It he could trick himself into feeling as though he were taking the necessary steps to bridge the gap between them, then Axel could untie his mind and lighten his guilty conscience. After all, if Saïx rejected his offer, then the fault of any subsequent misfortune fell solely on him. If Saïx ended up alone, it was all his fault, and his alone. 

That was how Axel chose to rationalize it, if only to save himself.

“I know you’re disappointed, but I want you to know that my offer to hang out is still good,” Axel said, trying to console his old omega, even when Saïx never once asked for comfort. “Sleep on it a little. When you change your mind – and I’m sure you will – I’ll be here, and we can go back to hanging out and causing trouble like we used to.” 

“Not quite the way we used to,” Saïx replied, clearly referring to Xion and Roxas. 

“Those kids are an important part of my life. They’re not going away anytime soon. Now, I don’t want you to go, either, but if this is going to work and we’re all going to hang out together, you really can’t keep treating them the way that you do. They’re my friends, too, just as much as you are. They’ll always be equal to you. Maybe you won’t get treated like a mate but being equal to Xion and Roxas also means that you’ll never be any less important to me than they are.”

Predictably, Saïx didn’t say anything at all. Not a single word. He only stood still as a statue, staring straight over Axel’s shoulder to give off the illusion of eye contact. But Axel knew that his mind was drifting a thousand miles away.

“Saïx? Are you listening?”

“Yes, of course. I understand,” his omega answered, just as cold and distant as ever. “You’d like to invite me back into your social circle… as a friend.”

“Well, try not to sound too excited about it,” Axel joked, forcing on a pleasant, charming smile, in some vain hope that his cheerfulness would rub off on Saïx. 

It didn’t work. He didn’t say a single word. 

“Come on. Cheer up!” Axel begged, flashing him that lopsided smile that he always loved. “I hate it when you look at me like that.” 

Like Saïx was moments away from bursting into tears, if only he wasn’t so insistent on holding them back. Perhaps in an effort to hold himself together, Saïx still said nothing. His breaths were deep, slow, and even – perfectly calculated.

“It’ll be fun. You’ll see,” Axel added. Still smiling, he placed his hand on Saïx’s shoulder and stroked his thumb gently against his collarbone. “Being the fourth member of the ‘Sea Salt Quartet’ will be so awesome, you’ll wonder how you ever got by without us.”

“Lea –”

“Stop right there. Don’t get all broody and tell me you don’t want to,” he scolded, using that forced, authoritative tone that he knew Saïx always liked. “Just think about it. Okay? You don’t have to give me an answer now, but promise me that tonight, you’ll sit down and give it some thought. There’s a seat up there on that clock tower with your name on it – and there’s ice cream, and soda, and three friends waiting for you. You just have to come on up and get it. I want you to think about it, Isa. Promise me that you will. _Promise me_.”

Saïx closed his eyes, defeated. He looked so tired. 

“If that’s what you’d like,” he relented. 

“I want it to be what _you_ want,” Axel insisted, taking Saïx’s hand. “This is going to be good for you. You’ll see. You won’t have to be alone, anymore. You’ll have new friends – and gain back an old one. Don’t you want that for yourself?” 

He couldn’t read his expression, distant and cryptic.

“All I can say is that I will consider it.”

“That’s good enough for me.” With a lingering sigh, motivated by mixed relief and exasperation, Axel took a step back, letting him go. “Look, we don’t have to be super close best friends and share all our secrets with each other right away, if you don’t want to. We can start off small, like me and Roxas did, just talking about casual stuff. …You don’t have to tell me about what happened to you today until you’re ready. Or _if_ you’re ever ready.”

“Assuming that anything happened, why would I ever deign to confide in you?” Saïx asked, completely unapologetic.

“That’s what friends are for – supporting each other. Listening to each other. Even if it’s too personal, and you don’t think that you can ever tell Xion and Roxas… at the very least, you’ll always be able to talk to me. You can trust me, right?”

Without even thinking, he’d phrased it like a question. The irony of that wasn’t lost on him – and surely, it wasn’t lost on Saïx, either, with the way that he smiled, shaking his head. 

“I’m sure.” 

____________________________________________

Defying all of Saïx’s expectations, Xemnas had kept true to his word. In only two short days, he’d arranged a proper burial deep in the corners of The World That Never Was. It wasn’t an ideal resting place. Saïx had put up a protest, at first, but Xemnas had reasoned, with unshakable confidence, that a pup would rather be trapped in an empty, dying world, close to its mother, than rest alone in some beautiful graveyard far, far away. 

And so it was.

Inside of a polished, ebony coffin, lay seven white lilies and a soft, sturdy bundle, cocooned in silk sheets pure as winter’s first snow. It was perfect, wrapped like a statue of the gods. But perhaps it was precisely because the gods had shunned him that Saïx had been overcome, before the burial, with a pressing desire to defile their effigy. He’d wanted to tear the wrappings to ribbons and gaze upon the true horror of his child’s face. Teetering on the abyss of death, he was waiting for the moment when the dark would stare back. 

He never had the opportunity. Saïx didn’t know how Xemnas had foreseen his movements, but before he could so much as reach for the body, Xemnas’s hands had clamped down upon his shoulders, holding him back. 

He’d whispered to him: he’d regret it for the rest of his life if he looked. Whatever mental images of his pup that he’d conjured up in loneliness and grief wouldn’t match the appearance of the corpse beneath those sheets. It was bloody and torn with a gruesome expression. And yet, Xemnas had explained, it was every bit as human as he was. His pup was a girl, with ten fingers and ten little toes. On top of her head lay a tuft of downy, red hair, just as Saïx had hoped for and just as he’d feared. She was soft, and pink… and a little underdeveloped, which was no surprise, considering how much her mother had drank. 

How much he _still_ drank, now, more than ever.

Almost a full week after the burial, it still hadn’t gotten any easier to cope with it. The quietest moments were always the most difficult, when every train of thought would inevitably lead him back to her, lying six feet beneath an otherworldly tree with pale, white leaves, falling like snowflakes. In the shower, in his office, in the stillness of the morning, he always, always thought of her. Running his finger along the spine of his novel, Saïx realized he was thinking of her, still. He’d been staring at the same page for over an hour, long after the words had blurred together and lost all sense of meaning. He was so absorbed in his own thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed that he wasn’t alone.

“What are you doing in the commons, at this hour? You should be in bed.”

He would have recognized that voice from anywhere. It was stern and bold, at times, shaking the walls of their castle with commanding fortitude – and yet to him, it spoke softly. Xemnas was always so kind to him, as of late. With just the right trace of audaciousness, Xemnas traced his fingertips along Saïx’s back and took a seat beside him on the sofa. Their knees brushed together, yet instead of pulling away from the touch, Xemnas inched closer still. Saïx’s pulse quickened. When even Axel kept his distance, merely sitting beside another man felt intimate. 

“I’d hoped to finish this novel by the end of the night. I must have lost track of time,” Saïx lied, forcing an insincere, subtle smile. He couldn’t think of any reason why Xemnas needed to know that he was struggling to recover from his latest ordeal. 

“It must quite the compelling tale, to hold your interest for so long. Pray tell, what is it about?”

Looking down at the book, Saïx realized that he didn’t remember. He’d been looking at the pages, he’d glanced over the words, and yet he couldn’t summarize a single phrase. He’d been so preoccupied with thoughts of her. 

“Have you already forgotten?” Xemnas asked. “You have been scrutinizing that very same page for over twenty minutes. I had presumed that you had already memorized its contents, word for word, by now.” 

“Have you been watching me?” he asked, suddenly feeling vulnerable under Xemnas’s scrutinizing gaze. He clapped his book shut and tucking it into his pocket.

“Ah… it appears that I have. How very rude of me to do so,” Xemnas remarked, as though he, himself, had only noticed that fact for the very first time. “I must admit that in our private moments, once you catch my eye, I often find it difficult to look away. Forgive me.”

Silently, his breath hitched. It was foolish, he knew, but with that tiny word of praise, the repressed omegan voice in the back of his mind whispered to him, picking at the corners of his consciousness. _Sit up straighter. Smile. Tidy up your hair – he’s looking at you._ How foolish, to think that a single complement could constitute something as sincere as a traditional courtship. Clearly, and much to his shame, Saïx was far more desperate than he’d realized. 

“I do not mean to impose, but if I may speak freely for a moment, Seven, through my observations, I have noticed that you seem somewhat dispirited as of late,” Xemnas added. “Something clearly troubles you. If I may provide aid in some way, I bid you to ask. In truth, seeing you in such a despondent state, my dear, I cannot help but worry.”

That omegan voice quivered, shuddering from excitement.

“While I appreciate your concern, I fear that it is quite misplaced. Whatever my sorrows may be, Superior, you have my word that I will not allow them to interfere with my duties.”

“I trust that they will not.” Despite his rather harsh choice of words, there was a gentleness in Xemnas’s voice that made him feel as though his threat truly was more bark than bite. “I have the utmost faith in your abilities. I haven’t a single doubt that you will continue to impress, as you always have. To think otherwise never crossed my mind.”

“Flattery won’t get you anywhere,” Saïx scolded with no true bite of his own. Slowly, he realized that he’d grown comfortable enough with Xemnas to joke with him, in his own subtle way. It was casual friendliness that he hadn’t realized he’d missed, after all those years of solitude. “There’s hardly any point to such an effort, regardless. I am your soldier and your servant, both. Whatever it is that you wish of me, Superior, I am at your command. Don’t allow my petty troubles to concern you. Not even for a moment. You were meant for greater things than to waste your time looking after me.” 

“I hardly consider it as wasted time. Every moment spent with you is nothing short of a treasured memory. During both the best and the worst of our days, I would like for you to know that you may place your trust in me. You can tell me anything. …I want you to rely on me.” 

At first, Saïx, as stiff as ever, considered saying nothing at all, but there was something about Xemnas that put him at ease. Perhaps it was the warmth emanating from his body or the scent of his cologne, cedarwood and melting vanilla, that reminded him of his youth, of the peace and safety of tracing patterns against the Lea’s foggy, bedroom window. There was something strangely heartfelt about the way that Xemnas spoke to him, the softness in his voice, that made him believe what he said, as ridiculous as it sounded.

“I can’t stop thinking about her,” he admitted, leaning back and closing his eyes. “It’s a clear nonissue during working hours, when we are so occupied with our mission, but when there is nothing to do and nothing with which to distract myself… it’s difficult to think of anything else. My mind always wanders back to her.”

“Is that why you refused to take the week off for convalescence, even at my insistence?” Xemnas asked – and to his benefit, he actually did look concerned, instead of indifferent, as he usually did.

“Yes. I know myself. I knew that this would happen. Even during my Academy days, there was nothing more intolerable than idle time,” he explained. The more Saïx spoke, the more naturally confessing came to him. And he realized, then, that during all those years of loneliness, he’d forgotten how it felt to have someone who listened, who _truly_ listened without judgement. Not like Axel, always looking down on him, scolding him. “Locked in my dormitory, spurred on by morbid curiosity every time, I would stand on my bed, prop myself up on my toes, and look through the iron bars of my window. I had a view of the town from my room. Watching all those people walking about, smiling and laughing, eating together at the café across from the Academy, I would… dream of what my life could have been. Or what it would be like, after I’d been mated. That was a dangerous rabbit hole. I could never allow myself to explore it for long.”

“And why is that?” Xemnas asked, prying for details when other alphas would have shied away, either out of fear or indifference. “Did it turn you bitter?”

“It would have, if I’d continued with it. For the most part, locked in the Academy, I lived in relative ignorance. I never had any reason to doubt my role as a mate and a servant, but looking out at the world, at all of those free people, if only for a moment, I would… _think_. And I would question whether the Academy’s harsh treatment of me was just, after all. Even so, I had no outlet for my thoughts. I could never speak of it without risking punishment. The solitude and free time only made it worse. All of that curiosity, all my impotent rage would fester within me, just as trapped as I was. In comparison, work was a welcomed escape. It was the _only_ escape, when we had neither toys nor hobbies. I volunteered for as many extra shifts as I could, if only to pass the time. Twenty odd years later, I still feel uneasy if I’m not perpetually occupied.”

“Eternally mated to your work, hm?” Xemnas asked, with a smile that wasn’t entirely unkind. If it were anybody else who asked, Saïx would have questioned whether they were mocking him. “It’s hardly the worst of vices.”

“It keeps my mind from wandering.” 

There weren’t bars on his windows any longer, but he felt just as trapped as he did when he was six years old, staring at the dandelions growing beneath the guard towers. He glanced at Xemnas from the corner of his eye and realized that the alpha never once looked away from him. Scrutinizing his every movement. 

“Wandering to what will be?” he asked; his golden eyes fixed on his own, petrifying him like a gorgon’s gaze. “Or what could have been? Pray tell, Seven, does some part of you still wish to be a traditional mate rather than an independent man?” 

Saïx’s brows furrowed, unable to hide his suspicion. “That’s rather personal, isn’t it? And rather brazen of you to ask.”

“No more brazen than the fact that you would dare to call attention to it, speaking ill of an alpha. You forget that one of an omega’s greatest charms is its modesty, Seven.”

“You assume that I intend to be charming.”

A subtle, twisted smile tugged at the corner of Xemnas’s lips. “Intend to? You already are.”

He didn’t think he’d ever hear those words. Remaining silent, Saïx waited for the sword to fall. 

He was charming _but_ –

He would be lovely _if_ – 

But further criticism never came. Xemnas only looked at him and smiled. “Would you care for a special assignment, if only to distract yourself from what will be and what could have been?”

“…What would it entail?” he asked, hanging on his every word, seeking out praise. Just a little bit more. Just one more time.

“It’s nothing particularly difficult,” Xemnas assured him. His hand, pressed against his shoulder, seared him like a branding iron. “I would simply like for you to prepare a cup of coffee for me. If you would.”

Despite Xemnas’s taciturn façade, Saïx was certain he was joking. Waiting for the punchline, he glanced over at him, searching for weak points in his unreadable, neutral expression. 

“I beg your pardon. …Coffee?” Saïx asked, leaning closer. Surely, he must have misheard him.

“Indeed so,” Xemnas replied, giving him a firm, confident nod. “Mated alphas often testify that their favorite scent in all the worlds is the coffee prepared by their omegan partners. I doubt that it is the quality of the brew, itself, which appeals to them, quite as much as it is the warmth of domesticity. The tenderness of an omega’s affection. Tenderness which I have never experienced. In truth, Seven, I would like to shed some light upon that mystery of the heart.”

“What reason do you have for that? Don’t you think that we have more pressing concerns at the moment?”

“Ah, but even this will serve to further our agenda. The fact that it will simultaneously satisfy my curiosity is nothing more than a pleasant coincidence. Above all else, I wish to understand why Sora opposes us,” Xemnas stated, running his thumb along his shoulder blade. “He claims that he stands with the forces of light in the name of love, friendship, and unity… but those are foreign concepts that I do not understand. As a Nobody, I suspect that I will always lack the ability to ever fully comprehend such abstract, alien concepts – and yet I cannot help but wonder if I may, perhaps, be able to experience something similar. Though I have no heart, I still possess an alpha’s body, with all of its instinct and intrinsic desire. I can still feel a physical longing for companionship. The fondness of an omegan mate… I wish to know it intimately. I wish to know _you_ ,” Xemnas admitted, tracing down his arm and taking his hand. “You are a fascinating specimen, Seven. An extraordinarily charming omega. Pray tell, do you not think the same of me? Am I not an alpha who suits your fancy?” 

All those pressing questions sent a shiver down his spine. Alphas were never so forthcoming with him. It simply wasn’t done. It had been years since Saïx had even deigned to consider himself as a potential half of a bonded pair. When an alpha and a mating mark had lain so far beyond his reach, he’d simply stopped allowing himself to think of them as realistic paths that his life to take, and yet there Xemnas was, all but declaring his intention to court him. It wasn’t as seamless a process as government sponsored lotteries, perhaps, but it was a tried and true, classic method of courtship, straight out of the epic poems. A request for coffee and other simple, acts of service could never be interpreted as anything but a way to judge his skillset.

Surely, Xemnas, in his otherworldly ways, didn’t understand what he was asking of him. It must have been a mistake, and yet it filled Saïx with a strange, renewed sense of hope that he’d long ago abandoned, all the same. It was a relief to feel like he, too, was a viable option to be mated, for once in his life.

“I… honestly can’t speak to that. I’ve never given my personal preferences any thought,” he admitted in calm, steady tones, refusing to reveal his embarrassment and uncertainty. “There was never any point to it. An omega does not have the right to choose its alpha.”

“Perhaps. But now, away from Radiant Garden and the influence of the Academy, you have the opportunity to think for yourself. I want you to think carefully, Seven. What do you desire from a mate? If you could create a perfect alpha, what kind of man would he be?”

In truth, all Saïx wanted was an alpha who loved him. It could be anybody of any age, any gender, any appearance, so long as they would hold him and tell him he was precious. 

“Someone reliable, perhaps,” he said instead, if only so he wouldn’t sound so horribly pathetic. “A strong, capable leader, clever and interesting. I know that omegas are meant to be seen and never heard, but if I could, I would prefer an alpha who wouldn’t be too proud to speak with me. I’ve had enough of silence, over the years. I wouldn’t mind a bit of companionship. That’s not too much to ask for, is it? Some decent company?”

“Not at all. I doubt that there is a single omega in all the worlds who does not long to feel close to its alpha.”

It was true. A part of him still longed for an intimate connection. Even after losing his heart, Saïx still, undeniably, felt drawn to his Superior. He couldn’t help it, when Xemnas sat so close. When Saïx could feel the warmth of his hand around his, the sturdy weight of his body, trapping him against the arm of the sofa, he felt as though he were melting. Xemnas’s scent, warm and heady, shrouded his mind, drowning out his worldly troubles. 

“It’s a shame that my alpha never felt the same about me,” he admitted. “As the years passed, and I watched him grow from a boy to a man, I began to feel less like a proper mate and more like an antique children’s toy, a family heirloom, kept only out of obligation and a quickly fading sense of fondness. Gathering dust on his shelves. Of course, it isn’t as though I can’t understand, even if I will never approve. My alpha was always so naturally affable. He had other friends and other games to play. There was hardly any reason for him to stay in the den with me when he could go off and make a name for himself.”

“Even if that were true, however, an omega’s faith is something to be treasured. The fact that he was so eager to discard it speaks ill of him. You may phrase it however you’d like: the fact remains that he betrayed the hard-earned trust that you had chosen to place in him.”

“He did. I gave him everything I had. My devotion. My body. Eight long years of loving and coddling, and it added up to nothing at the end of it all. Can you imagine that? All those years, and he couldn’t even say he loved me. Not even out of pity.”

Perhaps he’d revealed too much, in his moment of weakness. If Xemnas was plotting against him, perhaps he’d wake up, tomorrow, and the entire castle would know that it was Axel who knotted him. It didn’t matter either way, he realized. Even if he fell from grace, losing his title and being demoted to the lowest ranking member in the Organization, his life was already over. His old friend was likely dead, and Axel was never coming back to him.

Leaning back on the sofa, Xemnas relaxed his posture and spread his legs. He let out a soft, pensive hum as he stroked his thumb over Saïx’s knuckles. He held him like a lifeline, firm and taut. His touch was equal parts unnerving and paradoxically comforting. In many ways, Saïx wished that he would never let go. 

“Do you still want that cup of coffee?” he asked, finally, struggling to pick up all the broken pieces of himself, scraped and bleeding.

He’d denied his basest instincts for so long. What harm could be done by giving in to omegan desire, if only just once? Perhaps he’d suffer shame and embarrassment, both, but no one would ever be there to witness it. It was just the two of them, alone in the living room. If Xemnas had intended to mock him, Saïx reasoned, he could have done so ages ago. 

He had plenty of ammunition as it was, already. 

Xemnas tilted his head, confused. 

“Have you changed your mind about serving me? I was under the impression that you had found my request rather asinine.”

“In some ways, I still do. We hardly have time for dalliances.” Saïx swallowed thickly around the lump in his throat and tightened his grip around Xemnas’s hand, squeezing him back for the very first time. “And yet, I must recognize the fact that you are not the only one who longs for domesticity. Perhaps I could spare you some time.”

“What an excellent opportunity for the both of us.” Xemnas perked up, positively glowing with excitement, constrained only by honor and maturity. “Do you intend to use this arrangement as an opportunity to relive your glory days?”

“There was nothing glorious about them.” By all means, serving as Lea’s omega was positively degrading compared to what Saïx did for a living, now. “What I miss about living as a traditional mate is the simplicity and my closeness, perhaps, to someone who had… meant the world to me.” 

Slowly, Saïx turned to meet his gaze, and for the longest time, saying nothing, they looked at each other. As though Xemnas had picked up on every social cue, as though he’d noticed his pain, his turmoil, and _understood_ , Xemnas lifted his hand to his lips and pressed a kiss against his knuckles. Saïx shivered – a whore, blushing like a virgin. 

Ridiculous.

“If you still want that coffee,” he began, letting out an exasperated sigh, if only to hide his embarrassment, “you should hurry and allow me to prepare it before I regain my senses and give up on this entire endeavor.”

Smothering down that lonely, quivering omegan spirit within him, Saïx stood, forcing on his best, blank expression. When he tried to turn towards the little kitchenette in the corner, however, his arm pulled taut. Xemnas’s hand clamped down like a vice. 

“Wait,” Xemnas requested.

“What is it, now?” 

“I wanted to thank you… _Love_. I am a lucky alpha indeed, to be blessed with such a wonderful mate.” 

A painful jolt, fluttering and searing hot, pierced through the empty pit of his chest. For what felt like ages, Saïx’s body wouldn’t obey his commands. He couldn’t walk away. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t even bring himself to blink until, with a subtle smile hidden behind a veil of soft, white hair, Xemnas gave his hand one last, gentle squeeze and finally let him go. 

Immediately, Saïx drew back, fleeing with his tail between his legs. Cruelty never unsettled him as much as unprompted kindness. 

When he tried to start the coffee maker, he couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. It had been so many years since he’d prepared anything for an alpha, much less one of Xemnas’s stature, and he was so out of practice. He wondered if he still had it in him to make something worthwhile, or if time had dulled even the best of his abilities. He prayed it wasn’t true when, for the first time in ages, Saïx had found a reason to prove his worth, not as a soldier or an accountant, but as an omega. In that aspect of his life, he’d always come up short, but perhaps now was his opportunity to change that. Choosing, finally, to ignore the coffee maker, Saïx became, at that moment, fully intent on brewing something just a little bit more interesting. Perhaps Axel, as brutish as he was, had never noticed how hard he’d tried to please him – the effort he’d put into his meals, only to see him order a pizza and tell him to shove what he’d cooked in the freezer – but an alpha as sharp as Xemnas would surely notice his efforts. 

“How was your day, darling?” Xemnas asked suddenly from the sofa, shattering the weight of the silence that had grown between them. For a moment, Saïx froze, until he realized just what Xemnas was doing: playing the role of the perfect mate with expert fluidity. It was so intolerably silly, so vapid, and yet Saïx couldn’t deny that the little omegan voice, nestled deep, inside his mind screamed back at him to respond. 

_Alpha_ was speaking to him, after all – it wouldn’t do to ignore his generosity. 

“My day was the same as any other,” he weakly chuckled, struggling to get into character. Even if it was nothing more than a pathetic little act, those familiar words that he’d never had the chance to say had soothed him. “Every morning, I watch you leave from our bedroom window, and all I can do is prepare for my vigil and pray for your swift return. The knowledge that you will soon be home is all that soothes me through the pain of your absence.” 

Xemnas’s smile was almost infectious. 

“So you claim that you do nothing but wait for me? My poor darling, have you nothing to occupy your restless mind? No friends? No hobbies?” 

“None at all,” Saïx replied, prim and proper. A perfect mate. “I have my books and my telescope, certainly, but they never hold my interest for long.”

Pouring a little pattern in cappuccino foam, Saïx put the finishing touches on his little pet project. For all his lack of practice, it seemed that old habits were not so easily forgotten. Every line, every detail, was perfect. The scent of bold espresso wafted through the kitchen, a welcome change from the usual stench of burned coffee and dirty dish water. 

“You are my moon and stars. No matter how I try to distract myself, my thoughts will always drift back to you,” Xemnas replied, as dramatic as ever. “I cannot live without my heart.”

Gods, the things Xemnas could say – those words in any other voice would fail to carry half the weight. 

“Listen to yourself,” Saïx scoffed, even when he couldn’t hide his smile. “What are you saying?”

“Is it not precisely what every omega wishes they could hear?” 

It was.

Pushing past the fear and the vertigo, Saïx made his approach, setting Xemnas’s cup and saucer onto the coffee table.

“My, what lovely artistry,” Xemnas commented, breaking character for a moment, as he leaned forward to peer into the cup. A perfect rosette shone back at him, white against a soft caramel. “How very unexpected. Outside of a proper coffeehouse, one would expect to see such craftsmanship only from a true Academy omega. I see that you are the genuine article, after all, Seven.”

“You doubted my pedigree? Did you imagine that I was raised in a red-light district?” Saïx asked with a grumble, falling back down onto the couch, exhausted from putting on a show. Already, he felt so stupid, trying to impress an alpha that wasn’t even his. Suddenly, however, he felt it: the feather-light touch of Xemnas’s hand, stroking gently against his knee. It validated everything, confirming his significance. 

“Never. But you fight so fiercely on the training grounds – and you speak with such confidence. It is difficult to remember, at times, that you possess far fairer virtues.”

Xemnas’s hand drifted up to his thigh and Saïx couldn’t help but tense under his touch. He was a fallen omega, too dirty to mate. Nobody ever touched him like that, with such tenderness and the quietest suggestion of lust. 

He’d forgotten how it felt to be desired – to feel worthy of a love like that. 

When Xemnas pulled his hand away to take the cup, it took every ounce of Saïx’s discipline to stop himself from reaching out to him. Instead, with deep, shuddering breaths, Saïx steadied himself and watched Xemnas sample his little creation.

“I see… An omega’s affection lies in the virtues of service and sacrifice – and is made most prominent through the sincerity of its efforts to please its mate. So that is love in its purest form: sacrifice. …Interesting indeed. I believe that I understand the subtlety of the Heart just a little more thoroughly than I had in the past,” Xemnas remarked, smiling at him. “Thank you – and I must say that you brew a wonderful cappuccino,” Xemnas added as an afterthought, at the very last moment. “Though I had expected nothing less from an omega of your caliber.”

It took a moment for Saïx to regain his composure, to ensure that his voice wouldn’t quiver when he spoke. 

“I wouldn’t mind if you requested another, some day,” he said, at last, fully understanding the heavy implication of the words he’d chosen. “I haven’t had an alpha that I could call my own for many years, now. It was… good to pretend, if only for a moment.”

“...It was.”

His mask fractured, and Saïx turned away, staring into the inky depths of the blank television across from them. From the mirror world, he watched, in silence, as Xemnas’s reflection took another sip of his cappuccino. He looked down into his cup and sat perfectly still, lost in thought, just like the shadow of an omega sitting beside him.


	6. Chapter 6

Staring down into his soup with bright, wide eyes, glowing with an almost childlike innocence, Xemnas swirled a little whirlpool into the bowl, digging up herbs from the bottom. His quiet hum, low and pensive, echoed through the stillness of his den, carved in marble and porcelain. Saïx wasn’t certain if that humming spoke of thoughtful enjoyment or, rather, intense disapproval of him and the food that he’d offered. The Superior’s expressionless smile never wavered, revealing nothing. Even after all the time they’d spent together as of late, Xemnas was such a mystery to him. 

“Interesting,” the Superior remarked, breaking the silence. “Of all the dishes that you could have prepared for me, you choose to present one as simple as this.”

“Have I displeased you?” Saïx asked, daring a glance at him as he took a seat on the sofa, right by his side. Xemnas looked so different without his boots and his coat. Dressed in nothing but a terry cloth bathrobe, with his hair tied back, that man, he who walked beside the gods, looked almost human. Almost as though Saïx could reach out, and touch him, and keep for himself just a little piece of Xemnas’s divinity.

“Not at all. Regardless of its simplicity, it is a wonderful dish – one that you prepare quite well. It was never my intention to complain, my dear. I was merely… surprised by your decision. I had presumed, erroneously, that you would attempt to impress me with a complex, culinary marvel. Instead, this is the type of dish that I would have expected from my mother, long ago, when I was a pup.”

“Nostalgic, isn’t it?” Saïx asked, cracking a subtle trace of a smile. “Comfort food is designed to remind an alpha of home. Does it transport your consciousness to memories of better days? Swirling autumn leaves and crackling firewood? Every omega knows of complex recipes to impress and to dazzle, but it is simple, inoffensive staples such as this that are designed to tie our mates to us, at the end of it all. Alphas are meant to taste something like this, remember the comfort of their mother’s embrace, and feel some similar form of closeness and affection for us… as ridiculous as it sounds.”

“What of your alpha? Did your ‘comfort food’ tie him to you, Saïx?” Xemnas asked, surprisingly bold. 

“No.” He swallowed hard around the growing lump in his throat. “But it worked well enough on you, didn’t it?”

He’d expected Xemnas to deny it just as Lea once had, when they were children. When Isa had mimicked his mother’s special recipe for cookies, all those years ago, he’d seen the wonder, the delight, wash over his little alpha’s features. Lea had looked at him and blushed, warm and affectionate, but when Isa had asked if he’d reminded him of his mother and happier days, Lea had denied it, and he never asked for those cookies ever again. He’d only been embarrassed, surely, hiding his sentimentality as alphas often did – but unlike his Lea, Xemnas knew nothing of embarrassment. With glowing, infallible confidence, the Superior’s smile never wavered, instead, growing brighter, wrinkling the corners of his golden eyes.

“That it did,” he replied with a fond and playful chuckle, so very bold. “For a moment, I felt as though I were six years old, all over again. I could almost picture myself at the dinner table with my mother. Imagining her smiling face, reconstructing the details of that island cabana, I could almost recall a sliver of the affection that I’d felt, back then, looking at her. How very interesting, indeed.”

They sat in silence, for a moment, as Xemnas sipped at the tea he’d prepared – a simple blend with honey and lemon, just as nostalgic as everything else. 

“If I may ask, how did you feel about your mother, as a boy?” Saïx prompted, suddenly, unable to hold back his growing curiosity. “What did you think of her?”

Xemnas raised an eyebrow, curious. Clearly, it wasn’t a question that he often pondered. He paused for a moment, brushing away the cobwebs in the attic. 

“I remember her fondly. She was a traditional omega, quiet and obedient, far closer to me than she was to my father, who had always been emotionally distant. On the day that I departed from the Destiny Islands, my mother fell to the floor and clung to my trousers, begging me to reconsider. I haven’t a doubt in my mind that she would have kept me locked away at home forever, if she could.”

“Certainly so,” Saïx only half-teased. “But is that not the nature of motherhood? In all likelihood, you were all that she had.”

“I was. …Very perceptive.” Xemnas’s flawless posture faltered. He leaned back, swallowed up by the cushions. Their knees brushed together. “My mother was a timid woman who rarely, if ever, left the confines of our home. Throughout all her years, she had never successfully formed a single friendship. All that she had to her name was an alpha and a single pup – though once she began to show evidence of her age, she lost the interest of my father, permanently. His eye would wander, and he would threaten my mother, occasionally, with disownment and destitution. …It was a difficult time for her. Perhaps in another life, I would have stayed with her, so as to spare her the woeful fate of betrayal and solitude. Ever since I was a young boy, however, I had understood that I was destined for greater ambitions than could be pursued as a simple islander: as a coconut farmer or a fisherman. I could not allow myself to be manipulated into remaining in the nest forever, eternally my mother’s pup. I had to leave. …Abandoning my mother was the most difficult part of my departure. Though I have no regrets, I can claim no excuses. I prioritized my needs over hers. That was selfish.”

Saïx wrung his hands together, cracking his knuckles. Their conversation was personal and intimate – far too much so for the professionalism between a simple lord and his dutiful lieutenant. There was a blossoming closeness between them, now, which could no longer be denied. It was all so dreadfully new, and yet it struck him with a natural familiarity that warmed his missing heart. Perhaps it was the missing piece. The unknown, nameless feeling that he’d been searching for his entire life. 

“I’m sure she understood. Pups grow into men and leave their mothers and their nests behind. It’s simply the way of things. So it was when the worlds were young, and so it always will be.” 

Despite his admission, there was a trace of indignation in Saïx’s voice, regardless. At a deeply buried, primal level, he could understand the pain of enduring a child’s betrayal. Pups grew up and left their mothers. It was the way of things, just as it was the way of alphas to abandon their mates once their youth and beauty faded. Just as it was _Lea’s_ way to abandon him. Saïx had accepted it. He’d understood, and yet he could not help but feel as though the fate he’d been assigned was somehow unjust. 

“The inevitability of separation does not make the bond between a mother and pup any less significant,” Xemnas stated, suddenly, strangely insistent. “Though I have no heart, when I think of my mother, I can still recall a trace of the closeness that we had felt for one another. My dear, there is not a single alpha in all the worlds who does not love his mother. It is simply part of what we are.”

Mesmerized by those words, Saïx thought back to that mess of blood, and skin, and bone that could have been a pup, and wonder if he’d killed the only creature that would ever be wretched enough to love him. He couldn’t stand the horror. 

He thought he’d kept his expression neutral and yet, somehow, Xemnas had seen past his veil and his barriers. Suddenly, he felt the alpha’s larger hand slide over his, warm and possessive. 

“There will be other opportunities to raise pups, if that is what you desire,” Xemnas said, his sharp gaze, unwavering. Saïx lost himself in those pools of molten gold. “That bond is not permanently lost to you.” 

“Oh, but it is,” Saïx retorted, shaking his head, falling down that same, depressive spiral. “Look at me –” At his wrinkles and his cruel, wizened eyes. His scars and his unmarked neck. “No alpha in Radiant Garden would ever accept me as I am now.”

“Then perhaps you should seek an alpha further from home. A foreign mate.” 

The way Xemnas looked at him, the way he smiled, soft and warm, tugged at something visceral, deep within the confines of his missing heart. Staring down at his toes, digging into the rug, Saïx realized how dreadfully inappropriate, how scandalously intimate, it was for a fallen omega to sit so closely to an alpha of Xemnas’s status. Sitting on his sofa, with his coat off and his feet bare, Saïx was crossing a very firm boundary. A wave of sickening discomfort washed over him at the first thought of scandal, but before he could say a single word in protest, Xemnas rose, towering over him. 

“I know that this is rather sudden, but I would like for you to wait here a moment, if you would, Saïx,” he commanded, cementing him down with a feather-light touch against his shoulder. When Xemnas rose, Saïx didn’t stop him, instead, watching in silence as he disappeared into the darkness of his bedchamber. 

Whether out of fear of crossing him or a simple desire to please the now closest thing that he had to an alpha, Saïx didn’t dare to disobey. He sat still. Motionless. When Xemnas emerged sometime later, he carried a delicately wrapped package, offering it to him. Instead of taking the box, however, he stared at it, unblinking. Gifts were for birthdays and the occasional holiday – though an omega knew better than to expect anything, even then. They were the least important members of their households, whose birthdays were more a requiem and farewell to youth than a celebration of longevity. There were no cakes and presents to celebrate their landmarks. Saïx had long grown accustomed to that fact when even Axel had begun to ignore him. In fact, Xemnas and Luxord were the only ones who gave him anything at all, in recent years: just small, insignificant trinkets, gifted out of pity more than fondness. It had never been anything too personal, when spontaneous, showy presents, gifted to an unmated omega, had only one implication. As such, when Saïx looked down at Xemnas’s gift, he didn’t know what to make of it. The pristine paper, white and silver, was adorned with a matching ribbon, perfectly tied. 

Dirty, tired old omegas like him, used goods, didn’t receive gifts as beautiful as that. It simply wasn’t done.

“…What is this?” Saïx asked, his voice, never rising above a whisper. 

“A token of my gratitude.” 

“I’ve done nothing to earn it.” 

An amused smile tugged at Xemnas’s lips.

“On the contrary. Look at all that you’ve done and all that you are. This Organization would crumble without you, my most dutiful lieutenant… and my dearest friend. I would like to thank you for revealing to me the value of companionship where before I knew nothing of the concept at all. Playing the role of your mate, Saïx, has been an honor and a pleasure in equal measurements.”

Xemnas extended the box just a little bit further. 

“Accept it, I insist – if not as a token of my gratitude, then as one of my overflowing affection,” Xemnas said, with a gentle smile. “Please.”

Wordlessly, Saïx took the gift and lay it on his lap. With Xemnas, scrutinizing his every movement, he pulled at the ribbon and slowly picked away at the tape bit by bit, refusing to make a single tear in the pristinely folded paper. He was taking an eternity to unwrap that gift, but it was all so lovely. _Too_ lovely. When Xemnas put so much effort into presentation, Saïx was reluctant to make a mess of it. Strangely enough, the Superior seemed to understand. He never rushed him. Never pestered. 

“Thank you, Superior,” he muttered, still shell-shocked. His smile shivered, quivering from the force of his racing pulse. “It was kind of you to think of me.”

“I must admit that I think of you rather often, as of late,” Xemnas confessed, as he returned to his seat beside him. His smile, warm and radiant, melted his heart like snow in the solstice. “…I think of you fondly.”

Saïx’s hands trembled. Peeling away the last of the tape, he set aside the wrapping paper in one, pristine sheet. When he opened the box, the first thing that hit him, like a bullet to the temple, was the smell. It was a bold and musky haze, alpha pheromones, laced only with the slightest tinge of custom cologne of subtle tones of vanilla and cedarwood.

It was an omegan nesting blanket. 

Saïx curled his fingers into the fabric, drowning them in soft, thick cloth, clearly expensive, designed more for a proper mate than a cheap whore and passing fantasy. 

“…You scented it,” Saïx whispered, unable to overlook that fact. 

Xemnas must have rubbed it against the scent glands on his neck. There was no other explanation, and yet Saïx still struggled to accept that undeniable fact. No alpha ever wished for an omega to bear their scent unless they intended to lay claim on them. It simply wasn’t done. It was too unbelievable. Adrenaline tore through his veins; he didn’t know whether to blame it on anxiety or excitement. 

“A rather bold risk, I understand. Have I overstepped my bounds?” Xemnas asked, daring to feign timidity which they both knew was completely ingenuine. 

“Superior, the implications of this gift are rather –” Some would say scandalous, and others, shameful, on Xemnas’s part. “It implies a certain degree of _familiarity_ between the two of us.” 

Despite knowing what it meant and how inappropriate it was for him to do so, Saïx stroked his hand over the blanket, regardless. It was far nicer than the Academy’s thin, wool sheets and the hand-me-downs he’d received from Axel’s father. And it was better than anything that he’d ever allowed for himself, as an independent adult.

“Are we not familiar with each other?” Xemnas asked, playfully incredulous, pulling his thoughts away from Axel and always back to him. “I do not intend to be rudely presumptuous, but I believe that I know you rather well.” 

Saïx was about to refute that point when Xemnas took the blanket and wrapped it around his shoulders, enveloping him in his scent. Afterwards, however, Xemnas never pulled away, tucking him in his embrace. His hand drifted down from his shoulder to his hip, holding him flush against his body. Saïx had forgotten how wonderful it felt: the warmth and the closeness of an alpha who cared for him. It made him feel like he had a heart – and perhaps, just maybe, a life worth living.

“I know that you are not as cold as you often pretend to be,” Xemnas continued, his voice, soft and gentle, only ever for him. “I know that you are lonely. Pray tell, is this not what you desire, Saïx? Do you have no wish to be mated?” 

“…I do,” Saïx admitted, allowing his mask to fall to the floor and shatter. 

“Then what, dare I ask, is the matter? …Is it me? Have I fallen short of your standards? Do you dislike me?”

“No, of course not,” he answered, with a furious shake of his head. Of all things, he wouldn’t allow Xemnas to believe that. He didn’t deserve it. “You know full well that I think highly of you. By the Gods, never doubt that. My hesitancy regarding this matter has nothing to do with you, Superior. Rather, it’s –”

“Why are you so intent on making life more difficult for yourself?” Xemnas asked, cutting him off. Leaning closer, Xemnas stroked his thumb against his hip, still engulfed in that thick, nesting blanket. That question pierced through his barriers – it was so unexpected, so frank. Saïx was just barely able to resist the urge to rest his head on his Superior’s shoulder. “You stated, some time ago, that you believed in karma,” Xemnas continued. “If so… I must ask, Saïx, do you believe that you are evil?”

“I… beg your pardon?”

“Do you believe that, as an omega, you are intrinsically inferior to others? Or that you are unworthy, somehow, of comfort and companionship? After all these years, after all that you have suffered, do you believe that you do not deserve a chance at happiness?” 

Every word choked the life out of him, bruising deep against his neck. Saïx hadn’t cried since he was a pup, but at that moment, he’d wanted to. More than anything. He could feel the pressure building deep within his gut, a raging deluge, held back only by his splintering dignity. Saïx bit down hard against his cheek, allowing the pain and the scent of iron to distract him from the growing torment. 

“Your alpha has been most unkind towards you,” Xemnas continued. “Why must you insist on treating yourself with the same disregard?” 

“Do I?” Saïx asked, his voice, breaking. He sounded so pitiful, so weak, just as the wardens had always claimed that he was. “Look at me. I am wicked. I am _dirty_. And I cannot help but wonder whether I had lost my heart with Lea and the others, as you’ve said, or whether I’d never possessed a heart at all. I know it. I can _feel_ it. I am just like your replicas, cold and empty. During our first few years in this castle, I could hear the others speaking of what they yearned for and what they missed from their past lives, their time in the sun, but for me, Superior, even after supposedly losing my heart and humanity, nothing had changed. I am just the same as I always was. I am no better than Axel’s Xion. On the contrary, I am _less_.”

“Not to me.” 

Those three simple words, nothing more than petty platitudes, certainly, meant the world to him, all the same. Coming from Xemnas’s voice, resounding with his confidence, they banished his doubts back into the darkness. Saïx couldn’t remember the last time that anyone had spoken to him so kindly, affirming his significance. Breathing the life back into him. 

“You are the one who gives me life. When your strength falters, allow me to carry you. When you lose your sense of purpose, let me lead. I want you to trust me,” Xemnas said, so infallible. “And I want you to accept the gift, Saïx. Allow yourself that simple comfort. If only through scent, I will always be with you.”

“Superior –”

Without warning, Xemnas reached for him, his fingers, tracing along his jaw, cradling his cheek. 

“I would like for you to call me Alpha,” he said, his voice, soothing and kind.

Saïx didn’t know what insanity, what madness, had gotten into himself. 

He was Axel’s omega; he should have refused him. When Xemnas tilted his head and leaned in close, he knew what was coming, and yet he didn’t pull away. Memories of Axel’s soft, red hair, his smile, everything they were and all they ever could be, flashed before his eyes, and yet, Saïx pushed them back and closed his eyes. 

It was his first kiss in ages, soft and gentle. Saïx wished that he would never let him go. 

Hypnotized, when Xemnas pulled away, Saïx clung to him, begging, silently, for him to stay just a little while longer. Their meetings, however, never ended on Saïx’s terms. They began and ended precisely when Xemnas wished it. 

And as _Xemnas’s_ omega, it wasn’t Saïx’s place to argue.

“Now, now…” his alpha hushed, carding his fingers through his hair, soothing him. “As much as I would like to whittle the night away with you, dear heart, we’ve a trying mission ahead of us. The hour grows late, and good omegas should prepare for bed.” 

“Then allow me to stay in your den.”

“Let us reserve that for our mating, my dear.” Xemnas patted his cheek, as though placating a child. “I would like for our first time together to be pleasant. There is wine to purchase and nesting blankets to acquire before your next heat – and I must find a bigger bed. I want you to be comfortable, Love. Please do allow me the time to prepare.” He looked so casually charming, so vulnerable, so human, smiling at him as he helped to stack up the dishes. “…Will I see you tomorrow?”

“You hardly have to ask. If you are to be my alpha, you can see me whenever you’d like.”

“Then I look forward to it with great anticipation,” Xemnas reassured him with a charming smile, flooding him with the precious warmth of an alpha’s affection. Xemnas’s parting kiss, just as sweet as the first, melted the frost from his bones.

___________________________________________

It wasn’t often that Axel thought about the Organization’s nascent days, back when they were all, for the most part, naïve, and all of them quite a bit younger. Though he’d hardly known it at the time, those, too, had been wonderful days. Even as a Nobody, floundering to pick up the pieces of his shattered identity, life was good. It would never again be so idyllic. He’d lost his heart, his home, and his name, certainly, but at the very least, back then, he’d still had his loyal, old omega, always by his side. Eager to relive their past lives, Saïx would cook his favorite recipes and stir up trouble with him. He’d force himself to laugh at all his terrible jokes, even when they’d both be more despondent than ever after realizing, every single time, that without hearts, any joy they felt was hollow. 

To that day, Axel didn’t know how to describe life as a Nobody. Even during the best of times, sitting on that clock tower with Xion and Roxas, what he felt wasn’t truly joy or happiness quite as much as the remembrance of it. It was nostalgia at its finest, a simple recall of what those emotions had felt like in the past. “Feeling” as a Nobody was more akin to… an intense and unsatisfying longing. If he went with the flow without focusing on the details, however, those kids could almost fool him into thinking his emotions were sincere. It was only when Axel focused on them that he realized how shallow they truly were. 

But if that were the case, then perhaps it was better for him to avoid thinking of it, at all. If he let it be and didn’t allow himself to focus on what he and Roxas were or what Xion could possibly be, if he took the world at face value, then perhaps he could be happy, after all. That was the difference between his new friends and his old omega. Roxas kept him distracted with jokes and adventures, Xion was always so kind and eager to make the best of their lives, whereas Saïx overanalyzed everything, ruining what little, false happiness they ever could have had. Even now, Saïx couldn’t escape his own proclivity for pensiveness, always obsessing over karma and mates, Nobodies and puppets.

It had been over a month, and he still hadn’t taken him up on that offer of friendship. If anything, they’d grown farther apart than ever. Saïx had called him up into his nest, and Axel had prepared himself for yet another heat, but instead of being met with a familiar, naked omega, covered in slick and begging for his knot, what he saw was a stranger, cold and silent. With a distant look in his eyes, a thousand-yard stare, Saïx, fully clothed and dignified, sat on his sofa and nursed at his whiskey. Ice clattered against the glass, ringing like death bells.

When Axel took a seat beside him, unprompted, he was overcome, suddenly, by the strangest feeling that they would never again be as close as they were at that moment. That it would be for the very last time.

“No heat this month?” Axel asked, if only to break the silence. “Why’d you call me up, then? Don’t tell me you just wanted to see me.”

“I always long to be with you,” Saïx admitted, surprisingly heartfelt, despite his sardonic smile. Axel turned to look at him, stunned by his candor. “There’s not a single moment when I don’t. But I did not summon you here, this evening, for the pleasure of your company. On the contrary, I… only wished to tell you something important while I still had the opportunity to do so.”

“Are you finally going to come hang out with us?” Axel chirped, unable to hide growing excitement. His smile blossomed, wider and wider, bubbling with the joy and sheer relief. “You know, you kind of had me worried for a bit. I was starting to look pretty stupid, buying an extra ice cream bar every time I hung out with the kids, only to have it to go to waste. I was starting to run out of excuses to convince Roxas why he couldn’t ever have it, when I just throw it out, every time.”

“You shouldn’t have wasted your efforts – and you shouldn’t be quite so presumptuous,” Saïx sighed, running his hand through his messy bangs. Axel was certain that he was the only one who’d ever seen him so unkempt, without his earrings and that product in his hair. “I never had any intention of joining your group. You, of all people, should know that.”

“…You promised me that you’d think about it.”

“I lied,” Saïx admitted with a startling coldness that he’d developed only in the Organization. With a dismissive scoff, he downed the rest of his whiskey and poured himself another glass. 

Omegas and children weren’t permitted to buy liquor, and yet somehow, Saïx’s table was practically overflowing with that poison. Half-filled crystal bottles shimmered, fighting with each other for every centimeter of precious space. Even Saïx’s precious planetary models were banished to the floor, stacked in boxes, to make room for more booze. Somebody in the Organization was buying that liquor for him. If Axel ever caught that man in the act, he’d beat the shit out of him, twice, for fueling the worst of Saïx’s habits. 

Saïx looked so tired, so defeated, looking up at him as he slumped against his pillows. “What leads you to believe that I would have ever been satisfied as a child’s playmate? I am nearly old enough to be Roxas’s _mother_ , Lea. Don’t you understand? I’m not interested in forging friendships with schoolchildren. I’m too old for that.”

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

“Then I have one foot in the grave, already,” Saïx retorted, crossing his arms. “Almost thirty years old, and I feel so much older. I should have been a mate and mother, by now.” He glanced at him from the corner of his eye, and slowly, hesitantly, he smiled. “I know that we rarely, if ever, spoke of it, but when we were young, I felt so very lucky to have been assigned to you. I was so excited to be your mate. To start a family with an alpha that I… loved.”

“How many times are you going to make me say it?” he hissed, more out of frustration and helplessness than genuine anger, even though it could have been perceived as such. He couldn’t help it. Saïx’s sorrow grated on his very last nerve. “How many times do I have to apologize? I can’t give you what you want. I just can’t.”

He’d expected a protest, an argument, just like always, but instead… Saïx closed his eyes, expressionless. 

“I know.” 

For a moment, they sat in silence, feeling the strain of the silence between them. He could almost see their breaking bond, weary and worn, fraying at the seams. The paint, chipping away like dust and ash. Saïx wouldn’t look at him; he took another sip of whiskey.

“That doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you,” Axel insisted for the hundredth time, though instead of accepting his pleasant platitudes, Saïx shook his head, brushing them off – not with bitterness, but with a cold and silent resignation. 

“It doesn’t matter. Whatever bond we had, friendship or otherwise, has lain dead for ages, now. I was simply too stubborn to put it to rest… and too fearful of the concept of solitude to dare to let you go. I was too dependent on you. I put my faith, and my hope, and my self-worth in you. That was my mistake and mine, alone.” There was something gut-wrenching about Saïx’s sentimentality. Hearing such tender words from a man as ordinarily taciturn as he was sent rancid bile bubbling up in Axel’s stomach. Somehow, Saïx’s gentleness only made things worse. He would have rather he went back to sneering at him, blaming him for everything, just like he always did.

“Hold on –” Axel insisted, holding up his hand just to cut him off. “…What are you saying? That being with me was a mistake?” 

“Wasn’t it? All those wasted years, and what do we have to show for it?”

“We have our friendship.” 

“We haven’t been proper friends for many years, now, Lea. If I break off whatever sham of a relationship that we have now, what difference will that make?”

He was right. They didn’t hang out; they barely spoke to each other. Even so, some part of Axel had always held onto the hope that Saïx would remember the kind, clever, innocent boy that he had been, that he _still was_ , and come back to him someday, if only to make amends and repair their friendship. He’d just assumed that Saïx would always feel the same way about him. 

“So… you don’t want to be friends, anymore,” Axel asked, deadpan. “A-Are you serious? You weren’t talking like that just a week ago.” 

“I’ve had time to think, to clear my mind, since then. This is the decision I’ve made.”

“The decision to dump me like trash?”

Saïx sighed, though he didn’t seem to give in. Despite his sadness, there was a strength of determination written in his expression that Axel hadn’t seen from him in years. 

“If that is how you choose to see it. …It is not an inaccurate assessment. If I may be frank, Lea, what I had intended to confess to you, this evening, is… the fact that I have been seeing another alpha, as of late,” Saïx said, folding his hands in his lap – his posture, soft and delicate, so typically omegan. “He’s offered to make an honest mate out of me, Lea,” he clarified, smiling at him with a sickening mixture of hope and desperation. Axel’s stomach twisted just from looking at it. “With him, I have been given an opportunity to defy my fate. I could have a home. A family.” 

Just not with him. 

“I know what I must do,” Saïx continued, despite the horror clear of Axel’s face, “and I require neither your permission nor approval regarding it. The only reason why I bothered to tell you this at all is… out of respect and deference for you, as the man who would have been my mate. I wanted to give you one last chance to stop me.”

“And how am I supposed to do that? By _mating_ you? Is that what you’re trying to do? Are you trying to corner me?” Axel hissed, snapping back at him. Bristling, a foul possessiveness bubbled up within him. He hadn’t intended to sound so angry. Even so, he could just barely hide his festering resentment, and surely, Saïx was able to sense it. Axel could see the traces of guilt in his eyes – but also the confidence to press onwards, regardless of it. “Well, that isn’t going to work. I made up my mind, Saïx; I can’t mate you. I can’t. You… _threatening me_ with fucking somebody else isn’t going to change that. But you don’t get to look at me and call me a traitor, now, when you’re the one who’s sleeping around! So, who is it, anyway? Who’s going to knot you? Is it Demyx? Luxord? Gods, don’t tell me it’s _Xemnas_.”

Though his expression remained serene, Saïx fidgeted, twisting his folded hands until his fingers went pale. For a moment, he said nothing, merely glancing away at him, silent. That spoke to his guilt more than anything else. 

Mouth agape, Axel floundered, struggling to find the words to convey the disbelief and disgust he felt at that very moment. “You’re kidding me. You want to mate an asshole like him? Are you _insane_? Have you forgotten everything he’s done? Giving the order to kill off everyone in Castle Oblivion. Hiding information from us. Being shady about everything that’s going on in this place and everything that’s happening with Xion and Roxas. Fucking with Sora’s memories until he’s floundering around as a shell of his old self. Even if you don’t like any of those kids, you know that what he’s doing to them is evil. What are you thinking, spreading your legs for a guy like that? …Did he bribe you? Is that why you’re doing this? Did he _threaten_ you?”

“ _No_.” Axel hated how defensive Saïx sounded, as though he would have taken a bullet to protect Xemnas’s sterling reputation. “He’s good to me. He makes me feel as though I have a heart.”

Even when he hardly had the right to jealousy, Axel felt the poison fester deep within the pit of his stomach, all the same. He was the one who’d rejected Saïx. He was the one who’d turned him away. By all means, Saïx was only giving him a taste of his own medicine. An eye for an eye. Axel hardly had the right to protest, and yet, the mental image of Saïx, naked and dripping, spreading his legs for Xemnas, of all people, filled him with palpable, inherent disgust for the omega sitting beside him. 

Axel realized that, even if they’d never mated, he’d considered Saïx as his omega, all the same. Perhaps not to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, but to humor and reject upon a single, fleeting whim. The reason why he could so easily scorn Saïx’s advances was because he’d always been under the impression that his old friend would always be there, sitting obediently in his toy box, gathering dust, waiting for the moment when, if ever, Axel would return to play with him. Never had he ever imagined that Saïx would actually succeed in finding somebody else to keep him company. At that moment, the only thing that sickened Axel more than Xemnas’s scent was his own hypocrisy. He was the one who always spoke of friendship and intrinsic worth, but if he truly practiced what he preached, then he should have been the happiest of all to see his old friend finally move on with his life, even if it was with Xemnas, after all those years of unrequited love and festering bitterness.

Saïx’s first, little victory in ten years, and he had to be the one to spit upon it. Axel didn’t have the strength, the maturity, to suck up his own bitterness and be happy for him for five minutes. Coming face to face with his own wickedness sickened him. He’d thought himself so civilized, so progressive, and yet even he was not immune to an alpha’s depravity. 

“You know he’s not a good person. You know that if anyone in this castle was involved in our friend’s disappearance, it’s him. He took her from us!”

“I know. In all likelihood, if not for him, our dear friend would be alive and well.”

“And you’re really going to mate him, knowing that? …What the hell did he do to convince you? What does he have on you?” Swallowing around the thick lump in his throat, Axel softened his voice and leaned closer, fearful. “If he hasn’t been bribing or threatening you… Gods, did he _rape_ you?”

He’d expected a quick denial, or perhaps tears, if he was right, after all. But instead, when faced with the possibility of rape, Saïx _laughed_ – a cold, mournful sound, echoing through the room with startling finality. 

“Oh… you’d like that. Wouldn’t you?” 

“Hold on – what?” he scoffed, incredulous. He stood to his full height, glaring down at him. “I’d like what, Saïx?” Axel repeated. Scowling, standing tall, Axel towered over him, a little omega, drunk and exhausted. It was a terrible sight. If anyone saw them, Axel would have looked like such a villain. “I’d like it if Xemnas _raped_ you? _What the fuck_ is that supposed to mean? Of course I wouldn’t –”

“You would,” Saïx argued. “You’re not saying it, but I know that it’s the scenario you’d prefer. Even if I’d taken his knot and lost the purity of my body, heart and soul, I’d still be yours, in that case. That would spare your pride, if nothing else.” 

Axel was horrified that Saïx would even consider something so horrible – and he was furious at the fact that he’d think so poorly of him after everything they’d been through together. And yet, the more Saïx explained himself, the more Axel’s initial anger simmered away. In the end, he was left to wonder whether Saïx wasn’t right, after all – whether he wouldn’t have preferred Xemnas to mate him by force over seducing him genuinely. Caustic bile rose within the pit of his stomach. Axel suffocated from the shame. 

Golden eyes looked up at him, piercing. 

“Would you like me to lie and say that he raped me?” Saïx taunted, his stare, hard and unwavering. “That he threatened and beat me, to coerce me into accepting him as my alpha? Would that make this process easier for you?”

“What I want is for you to tell me the truth,” Axel replied. His voice wavered. “Did he rape you? Because if he did, I swear, I’ll –”

“He’s always been a perfect gentleman.”

For some reason, the intimacy of that statement wounded him far worse than he’d expected. If all that Xemnas had wanted was Saïx’s body, then at the very least, Axel could cope with that. The knowledge that he was losing Saïx’s heart, however, was something that he couldn’t endure. 

“Those two months when you didn’t call me during your heats – was it because you were spending them with Xemnas?”

“It’s taken quite a while for you to ask. I was almost beginning to think that you simply hadn’t noticed my absence.”

“Of course I did,” Axel admitted, sighing as he ran his fingers through his hair. “I just thought you were sick, or maybe you were pissed about what happened last time and didn’t want anything to do with me for a while. I always knew there was a chance that you could be fucking some other alpha, but… to be honest, I didn’t want to think about it. Whatever the truth is, though, I’m ready to hear it, now. Is that what you’ve been doing this entire time? Fucking another alpha? Were you going to Xemnas instead of me?” 

“Not at the time.”

“Then what was it? What’s been going on for the past two months?”

As taciturn as ever, Saïx closed his eyes and folded his hands in his lap. His breathing slowed, calm and quiet, as time marched ever onwards. Perfectly still, Saïx looked like a statue: pitiful omegan sorrow, carved in polished marble.

“Tell me, Lea,” he prompted, his voice, barely rising above a whisper. “Do you ever spare a moment to think of our children?”

Axel folded his hands, squeezing tight. His leather gloves squeaked and groaned from the force of his movements, twisting the fabric. 

“What’s that got to do with anything?”

“I’d… simply like for you to answer the question.”

An instinctive uneasiness quivered through Axel’s bones. He’d always hated talking about things like that – about the pregnancies and what came afterwards. He’d never even thought of those lost fetuses in such a term, _children_ , as though they were laughing, smiling kids, like Xion and Roxas, instead of little clumps of cells that were never anything more than the sum of their parts. He should have asked, gently, what those pregnancies had to do with anything, but instead, watching his old friend pull apart at the seams, Axel, blunt as ever, tried to ground him. To remind him of the truth.

“No. _No_ , I don’t ever think about our… our kids, if you can even call them that. They never even got to the point where they could survive on their own. They couldn’t run, or play, or laugh. They didn’t even have vocal cords. Those weren’t kids; they were just fetuses, Isa. Those weren’t real kids.”

“You would call that puppet a genuine girl while denying your own pups? The pups that _you_ fathered?” he scolded, shaking his head with nearly palpable contempt for him. “Say what you will; they were real to _me_.”

“Those fetuses never made it to the point where they could even be _called_ pups,” Axel argued, refusing to fall for the bait and fight about Xion for the thousandth time. He knew that would only serve to validate Saïx’s anger.

“Even if that’s true, you admit that they had the potential to become them. Potential that we cut short.”

During the first unwanted pregnancy, when he’d handed Isa those pills, his omega had thrown a fit. Fighting for his child’s life, Isa had clung to his sleeve and begged him, weeping, to change his mind and deign to keep their child, after all. But they weren’t mated. They were only fourteen, and Axel hadn’t wanted to burden himself with a proper family and another mouth to feed. By the gods, he still played with his skateboard and plastic robots. He hadn’t been ready for anything like that. 

He still wasn’t.

Even so, it wasn’t as though he’d been insensitive about it all. He knew it would have been traumatic. After the abortion, he’d dragged Isa to therapy, and they’d talked it through. He’d thought that his old friend had come to terms with it. When the second pregnancy came along, Isa had taken the pills in obedient silence, and they never spoke about it ever since.

“What are you getting at?” Axel asked, wondering if those old ghosts still haunted him, after all.

“We didn’t have the right to do what we did. I’d always known it wasn’t just. For the longest time, however, I blamed their deaths on society and circumstance… and in my darkest moments, I blamed you. But the crux of the matter remains that, though you were the one who had ordered me to put an end to them… I was the one who had allowed it. I could have put a stop to it, and I chose to do nothing. At the very least, I could have fought harder. If their blood stains anyone’s hands, it’s mine.” He bowed his head. Long, blue bangs, obscuring his face. “Saṃsāra – the cycle of life and death. Of making the same mistakes again and again. Perhaps it’s fate. Two pups, already, and I hadn’t learned a single thing.”

Slowly, he put the pieces together, even when he wished they didn’t fit. Averting his eye contact, searching the floor for answers he would never find, Axel realized that no matter how much time passed by in steely silence, he would never find the right words to say. Not in response to something like that.

And so, like a coward, he made Saïx speak first.

“During those two months, Lea, I wasn’t seeing somebody else. I was attempting to cope with the consequences of our knotting. If Xemnas hadn’t supported me during that time, I… that child would have been the death of me, one way or another.”

So there was a third pup. For some reason, Axel hadn’t even considered that possibility, as obvious as it was in hindsight. In some ways, he’d simply assumed that after two failed pregnancies in the past, Saïx’s body would have simply… known better. That it would have just shut a pregnancy down before it ever had a chance to begin.

“You never thought about telling me any of this before now? Not even about Xemnas. You didn’t think to tell me about the pup? What, did you think you couldn’t trust me?” 

He tried his best to sound sympathetic, but even he caught the irritated tone in his voice. He hadn’t intended to blame him, and yet Axel felt deceived by Saïx’s omission all the same. 

“Empirical evidence proves that I can’t. Fifteen years ago, I trusted you with my life, and look where we are, now. Look at us,” Saïx sighed, running his fingers along the seam of his coat. “I didn’t dare to tell you, when I knew, already, what horrors would have come of it. You would have told me to put an end to her.” 

“Well, that’s what you ended up doing, anyway, so I really don’t see why telling me would’ve been that big of a deal. At the very least, you could’ve had the decency to fill me in.” 

“You would accuse me of indecency?” Saïx closed his eyes; a snide smile twisted across his face, mocking and wicked. “…Perhaps I am guilty of it. Even if I ended our child’s life, regardless, at the very least, I didn’t have to hear you request it of me. I had wanted to spare myself from the trauma of hearing those words from mouth for the third time in my life.”

“But if you’d told me, I could have helped. I could’ve… I don’t know – gotten you food and medicine. I could’ve talked to you afterwards. Maybe we could’ve gone somewhere else for a bit. You know, just the get your mind off of things.”

“Nothing that you could say or do would have ever brought me any modicum of comfort. I’ve endured your aftercare twice in the past, already.” He’d sat through the awkward hugs and half-hearted apologies. He’d listened to Axel’s excuses: about how he was doing the right thing. How a pup would have ruined their lives. How they weren’t ready. He’d eaten his tasteless cooking and slept in his cold, joyless bed, only to be pushed out of it the moment Axel’s annoyance at him overclouded his pity. “It never makes things any easier. I can’t tolerate it. In those moments, I can’t tolerate you; I can barely stand to look at you.”

“So you go to someone else? Hell, you go to _Xemnas_?” Axel asked, leaning in close as he lowered his voice. “He makes this easier for you when I can’t?”

“Yes.”

“And just what does he do for you that I don’t? What do you even like about him?” 

If it was something insignificant enough, like his hair or his cologne, Axel was willing to change himself and pick up the slack, if only it would ensure that it would tie Saïx to him for just a little while longer. It wasn’t selfish. Keeping Saïx and Xemnas apart was as much for the omega’s benefit as it was for his, when he knew that Xemnas was anything but a proper gentleman, no matter how courteous he pretended to be. Saïx was always such a good worker. He was so obedient. He’d never been the target of Xemnas’s ire. 

Not yet. 

But Axel had seen Xemnas’s bad behavior first-hand. He’d seen it from the way their “Superior” treated Xion and Roxas, as though they were only a means to an end. He’d even understood why Marluxia led his little rebellion, considering how often he belittled and humiliated him. Xemnas could be a demanding and condescending taskmaster, and Axel didn’t have a doubt in his mind that cruelty was that man’s true face. He wondered how he’d treat Saïx once his chivalry wore away.

“He makes me mean something.”

“You always meant something.” 

“ _No_ , Lea.” Saïx sounded so impatient, as though he were arguing with a simple child instead of a grown man. “On my own, I was nothing. I _am_ nothing. I never even had a name, a purpose, until I was granted one by you. Do you understand? An omega has no intrinsic worth of its own. It is as cold and empty a puppet as your Xion. You are the one who _gave_ me worth. You gave life to a soulless body.” Pressing his lips into a tight, thin line, quivering from the strain of his indignity, Saïx’s golden eyes narrowed at the corners. “And you are the one who took it away. But Xemnas will return it to me. With a new name and a new identity, with Xemnas, I can be something. He will bring me back to life.” 

It was then that Axel finally understood what Saïx had been asking all those years. What did it mean to be alive? What did it mean to be worth something? When alphas and omegas were raised so differently, when they were so different, any answer that Axel could ever give could never hope to satisfy him.

He didn’t try to argue when he knew he couldn’t win.

“He’ll kill you,” Axel warned, instead. “Look, I know you’ve been waiting to get mated for a long time, Isa. I know you think that this is the answer to all of your problems, and that it’ll make you feel the way you did when you were a pup and when everything was still good and right with the world, but is Xemnas really the kind of alpha you’ve been holding out for? Maybe he says some charming things once in a while. Maybe he compliments you and gives you important work, and makes you feel special, but if you look at him, if you really stop and look at him, you’ll realize that all of that stuff is just on the surface. He’s not a good person, Isa. Look at the way he treats people who are weaker than him. Look at everything he’s done. You really think Xemnas would treat you any differently than he’s treated Marluxia? You think he wouldn’t humiliate you or smack you around if you did something he didn’t like? Once he gets what he wants from you, he doesn’t have to put up an act, anymore, and he’ll treat you just like he treats everyone else – like we’re all just tools and servants to him.”

“The vast majority of alphas would think of me that way. I am already expecting it.”

“You don’t have to settle for ‘the majority of alphas,’” Axel argued, pushing back through any resistance Saïx put up in his own defense. “You’re lucky, Isa. You got away from Radiant Garden. You got away from the Academy and all the bullshit they fed you when you were little. You’re one of the few omegas that’s strong enough to stand up for yourself and make your own choices. Omega or not, you’re the toughest guy I know. Physically. Mentally. No one in this castle stands taller than you do. Are you really going to just throw that away? Are you really so desperate to get mated that you’d accept an alpha who hits you? Someone who treats you like a pet or a servant? Is that what you want? You’re already alive. You’re already worth something. You’d give all of that up just to have a mate who says it?”

Saïx didn’t say a single word, and yet his silence said it all.

“Have some self-respect,” Axel scolded. “Xemnas doesn’t give a damn about you. He doesn’t care about anyone. He can’t.”

“And you do?” 

“Yes!” Axel snapped, shouting, as he buried his face in his hands. Saïx flinched away, and as he looked at him, Axel could barely resist the urge to wrap his arm around his shoulders. The instinctive desire to provide comfort was overpowered only by his knowledge of the inappropriateness of the act, considering how their relationship had crumbled. As much as he cared for him, he didn’t want to give Saïx the wrong idea regarding his intentions for him. “Look, I know we’re not mates. Maybe we’re not even friends at this point, but you will always mean something to me, whether you believe it or not. I only want what’s best for you. I want you to be happy.”

Saïx stood, suddenly, purposefully distancing himself from him. In the past, Saïx never had much in the way of casual clothing, but as he searched through his closet for a nesting blanket of all things, Axel could see that his drawers were positively overflowing with luxury goods. Leather shoes and designer jackets, which all bore Xemnas’s scent. It flooded through the room, thick and viscous, suffocating.

Axel stood, still and silent, watching his omega adorn himself in a blanket, scented by another man. 

“Is he trying to impress you with all that stuff?” Axel asked, standing, himself. “Does he think that he can buy you? Like a hooker?”

“I am one,” Saïx answered, glancing at him over his shoulder. “A harlot. A slattern. It is precisely the fate to which you’ve condemned me. …I am not the virginal, little omega who used to hide in your shadow. You don’t have to watch over me any longer, Lea. I free you of that burden. You can forget about me and move on with your life, just as I intend to move on with mine.”

He didn’t know how much longer he could stand in that room and still retain his sanity. 

“And there’s nothing I can do to convince you not to do this.”

“Will you be my mate?”

“…No.”

“Then this is where we stand.”

With a trembling, mournful sigh, Saïx poured himself another drink. “For what little it is worth, Lea… the years we spent together were the best of my life. I doubt that even Xemnas can change that.”

“We had some good times, didn’t we?”

“That we did. I will always think of those days fondly.”

“Yeah. …Same here.”

Axel lingered longer than he’d intended to. They said nothing. Did nothing. The minutes passed them by, and the ice in Saïx’s glass had melted. Feeling as though he’d overstayed his welcome, cowed by the silence, Axel gave in, inching closer to the door. As he slowly began to leave, with every step, he half-expected Saïx to beg him to stop. To feel the warmth of his hand, clamping down upon his wrist. 

But when he reached the door and cast one last, forlorn look back, over his shoulder, Axel saw that Saïx had vanished back into the confines of his locked bedroom without so much as a parting word.


End file.
